Monday, December 24, 2007

headLINES, Haircuts, and Happy Holidays

I got a haircut today. I miss my old hair. I may have a tribute to it later on in the week.

here's the latest headLINES


Finally, I wanted to wish everyone Happy Holidays and all the best in the New Year to you and your loved ones. I appreciate all your support.

Dan

Thursday, December 20, 2007

In Which Our Hero Is Outdanced By A Stripper

A couple other comedians were in the bar at the time this story happened and asked about it, so here it is.

Oh, hey...speaking of comedians--I am one. If you're looking to see me perform check out...

Upcoming Comedy
Thursday, December 20 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, December 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, December 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
Current Living article can be found here.

headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. The latest headLINES is here

A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles can be found here.


I had stopped by the pub to watch the game. At the time there were only three people in the place, each seated at their own table. One of them was a cute redhead.

I thought this was rather anti-social and I said so. Guess which one I was looking at the most when I said it.

CUTE REDHEAD: You can sit with me if you want. But you can't talk because I'm watching the game.
DAN'S BRAIN: A woman who likes football? This bears further investigation.
DAN'S LYING MOUTH: Don't worry. You won't even know I'm here.

I watched about 0.000006 seconds of the game--enough to confirm that neither of the teams playing were ones I gave a shit about and that their performance tonight would not affect the playoff hopes of teams I DO give a shit about--before yakking to my new best friend.

She turned out to be a genial sort. Originally she said she was in sales, but after a an hour or so of chit-chat, confessed she was a stripper.

DAN: No way. You're too short.
CUTE REDHEAD: I know. I wear five inch heels.
DAN: You should wear stilts.

I say the sweetest things.

I then segued into my stripper rant. Never let it be said I don't have the courage of my convictions. Change happens when we speak out.

That rocky start aside, I really enjoyed talking to her. People lead such interesting lives. In addition to her being a amiable conversationalist, she was also very nice for a) buying me drinks and b) not calling to much attention to the fact she was outdrinking me by a 3-to-1 margin. Not only that, even at five feet and change, she seemed completely unaffected by the alcohol while I was noticing the bar was shifting precipitously to starboard each time I stood.

Nevertheless, she HAD paid for my gin-and-tonics. In exchange, I decided to introduce her to the power of Dan's Super-Secret Dance-Floor Technique for Meeting Women Even If You're Too Shy to Talk to Them (DSSDFTFMWEIYTSTTTT for short...er).

Since no one else was on the floor, she was relucant, but I insisted. Finally she danced with me.

As it turned out, she did okay on her own.

Within three songs, everyone in the bar was dancing and she was being swarmed by other guys, the DJ, and even other women.

Me not so much. Not even my best moves could attract the attention of the throng. Not only that, my new friend was so surrounded by new admirers that I was no longer on her radar.

Who would have thought I could be out-danced by a stripper? Everyone, I suspect, but me.

Live and learn, I guess.

Monday, December 17, 2007

headLINES and other stuff.

headLINES is here

Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, December 19 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, December 20 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, December 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, December 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
Current Living article can be found here.

headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. The latest headLINES is here

A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles can be found here.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Latest Stuff

The latest Pair of Singles is up here. It's one of my favorite PoSs in a while.

My Christmas Living article is here.

The birth of the Christmas article was chronicled here.

ALSO: My Mom wanted me to make a correction to the article. Apparently, it was not 'Sesame Street' that made me flip out as a kid, it was 'Spider-Man.' It's good to have a fact checker.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Well We All Just-a-Wanna Be...(Dan Contemplates the Nature of His Existence "Backstage" at a Bon Jovi Concert and Plays Dance Floor Cupid)

So HEAVY METAL, MO FUNK, and I were chilling backstage during the Bon Jovi concert...

And when I say chilling back stage, I mean sitting in our seats BEHIND the stage, courtesy of ECLIPSE's ticket-buying acumen. Yep, instead of buying five seats together, Eclipse put himself and his beautiful blonde girlfriend in prime spots while placing the three of us in behind-the-backdrop hell. But what would you expect from the man responsible for the break up of the Brothers in Flight tag team. Do not trust this man

The opening band was Hedley. The music was okay, but it was hard to give them any sort of rock and roll credibility the lead singer's choice of red pants and his mincing stage mannerisms which could be charitably described as effete. We made fun of them...a lot.

For the record, there is nothing wrong with rock stars (or anybody else) being gay. There's nothing even wrong with rock stars LOOKING gay. But when if you're going with the gay (authentic or otherwise) in the world of hard rock, there is gay that Rocks (I'm thinking of Marilyn Manson, who isn't really gay, or Rob Halford who really is) and there is prancing prissily around. So this is my message to Hedley: A little less Blades of Glory and a little more Rock of Ages, if you please.

Eventually Bon Jovi came out. Say what you will about Bon Jovi, but they are one of the hardest working bands in music. I heard a story about when grunge killed the hair metal scene, Bon Jovi was still selling tickets and albums without radio or video play, solely based on Jon's tireless work ethic vis a vis promotions and interviews and putting on the best show he could. I don't like every song they've ever written, but I like a lot of them, and I respect them as much as I respect any group.

This is where I actually started to like our seats. I didn't have a great view of the band, but I had an awesome view of the crowd. Which made me realize something.

I don't care where I'm sitting when I'm at a show. The truth is, I don't want to be in any of the seats.

I want to be the guy onstage.

I spent all the boring songs looking around at the crowd and daydreaming about how I would work a crowd that big. Today Pub 99, tomorrow Madison Square Garden.

Very few people can understand the lure of being onstage, whether it's music, comedy, pro wrestling, or interpretative dance. And I can't necessarily explain it myself. But for those of us who do it no explanation is necessary. And for those who don't no explanation is possible.

After the show we went to an unnamed bar. I'm not naming it, because it was a pretty cool place and they even gave us some free drinks, but I am going to have to bash them for having the single worst DJ I have ever experienced.

If anything, he was more like an ADHD-J. I don't think he played a single song all the way through without jumping to another song--often a song that was completely different in genre and/or tempo. You can't do that! I'm trying to get my dance on!

He tried to put in a theme at one point by playing a bunch of Bon Jovi songs. That's a fine idea. You know who else plays a bunch of Bon Jovi songs in a row? Bon Jovi. The difference was, Bon Jovi knows how to pace their songs so the show has a coherent flow to it whereas this guy was randomly throwing stuff out there.

Pro wrestlers call it psychology. And if muscleheads in spandex who make their living pretending to beat each other up can figure it out, the rest of the entertainment world has no excuse.

On an unrelated note, I hate to toot my own horn, but---toot-toot--I got to play dancefloor cupid last night. I had clued Heavy Metal in on Dan's Super-Secret Dance-Floor Technique for Meeting Women Even If You're Too Shy to Talk to Them (which you can learn by either signing up for my "Dating for Shy Guys" course through Metro Continuing Education or getting two or three gin and tonics into my system.)and he had taken it and made it his own with some awesome air guitar.

Naturally, the cutest blonde in the bar was irresistably compelled to come dance with in, drawn in by the irresistable power of DSSDFTFMWEIYTSTTTT (I may need to work on that name) and Heavy Metal's own dark charisma and hard rock attitude (probably the reason Eclipse wanted to keep his girlfriend seperated from Metal at the concert--blondes can't resist the Pretty from Detroit Rock City). Sparks were flying, but they didn't seem to know how to take the next step.

Enter me, with my own subtle style of wingmanship.

With one hand I guided the woman closer to Heavy Metal's chiseled torso, with the other, I grabbed Metal's arm and placed it around the woman's shoulders. They figured it out from there.

I rule.

There's something about bringing young people together that makes me feel warm inside. Must be the holidays.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Nurses and Upcoming Events (Not every title can be a winner)

Went to a party at my sister's. There were a lot of nursing students there. I learned three things.

1) How cool my sister is. I knew that already, but seeing her through the eyes of her friends was awesome.

2) Nurses talk about poop a lot.

3) There is a professional way to hold a penis.

Let me go on record as saying I see nothing wrong with the traditional way of holding a penis. If I'm getting a garden hose rammed up my urethra, an accidental hand-job is the least they can do.

On that note, here's the latest headLINES as well as what I'm up to. I'm excited about Tuesday's show as it is an audition for Shaw Cable. We'll see what transpires.

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, December 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton

Writing
headLINES appears every Monday for the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here

A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles is here

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Dan's Schedule

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, December 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton

Other Appearances
Friday, December 7 - MPW Season's Beatings

Writing
headLINES appears every Monday for the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here

A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles is here

Monday, December 03, 2007

500

I love writing.

I love breaking down sentences and playing with the words until they express exactly the idea I want. Sometimes my sentences are economical. Other times I like tricking them out like a muscle car, ornamenting them with adjectives and adverbs and punctuation and rococo phrasal curlicues until they sparkle with extra features--Extended Special Edition Sentences, if you will.

But some days it doesn't come so easy. Below are my journal entries for one of those days.

December 2
11:13pm
It’s been a long time since I’ve been this far behind on a writing project. I’m writing this entry Sunday night. I promised my editor an article by Monday morning and I’m 500 words short. I worked on it a bit last night, but was feeling blocked so I went to the bar to “clear my mind and renew my creative process” which is Dan-speak for “hit on a pair of blondes at least ten years my junior.”

Anyway, I’m hoping blogging will help get me going. Or maybe it will serve as a warning to aspiring writers to get their shit in on time.

I wonder how many words I’ve written in this blog entry. Funny, I don’t seem to be blocked HERE.

December 2
11:40
What the fuck is a druther? I’ll tell you--it’s one more word towards my total.

296 words to go.

December 2
11:55

324 words to go! I’m going backwards! I’m hemorrhaging prose! And I can’t tell if what’s left is any good.

Adverbs-- Tonight we dine in Hell!

December 3
12:10am

Can you use the words ‘poo factory’ in a family newspaper?

That’s what I thought.

Screw it. I’m going to bed. Monday morning means before noon, right?

295 words to go.

December 3
6:28am

I can’t believe I have to get up and finish this stupid article instead of finishing my dream about learning to play Ratt’s ‘Body Talk’ on the guitar. That song rules.

295 words, etc.

December 3
6:47am

Hey, that’s a pretty good line. I’m hilarious in the morning.

209 words to go.

December 3
6:52am
Can you mention Santa isn’t real in a family newspaper?

Screw it. If they’re old enough to read, they’re old enough to have their dreams shattered.

188 words to go.

December 3
7:05am

157 words to go. The ones at the end are always the hardest.


December 3
9:58am

Whoop-a-daisy, got a little distracted there.

On the plus side, I finished my push-ups and squats, showered, rehearsed my comedy for tonight, and had time for my morning nap.

The bad news. It’s ten o’clock.

80 words to go.

December 3
10:19am

I hate endings. I need to tie this together like a Christmas package, wrapping up my column-which combines laugh-out-loud funny with poignant and tender commentary on family life in the new millennium. And I need to do it in less than twenty words.

With the write[sic] words, I can turn this into a piece for the ages, which will be passed down through generations. When I’m 126 years old, I will see this column reprinted yet again, and over the whisper of royalty checks passed under my bedroom door by my wife of at least ten years my junior. I’ll crinkle my eyes and hold the words next to my heart and remember the folly of writing those words at 10:30 in the morning so many years ago.

But first I have to finish the damn thing.

18 words to go.

Finished! I hope the column will be as fun for you to read as it was a living hell for me to write.

I’d like to finish up this blog with something profound, but… I hate endings.

Happiness Is...

Happiness is thinking you are out of groceries only to discover a quintet of frozen dinners you had forgotten about in your freezer. It kind of makes me feel like bloggin’

But first, here's the latest headLINES If the link isn't working go to the Journal website at www.edmontonjournal.com and you'll find it in the ed section.

I'm also on stage tonight at The Comic Strip. Their might be a film crew there...(for more on that see below) Show starts at 8pm. Hope to see you there.

Stuff that happened last week:

WEDNESDAY
I met a Nietzche-quoting oil worker and his friend at a karaoke night. I sang Alice Cooper’s ‘Welcome To My Nightmare.’ They bought me drinks. At some point Keith Sarnoski showed up with a comedy club waitress and the World’s Hottest Saskatchewan Roughrider Fan. Good times were had, but there’s some stuff that’s a little fuzzy in my memory.

The oil patch guys DID teach me an interesting bit of trivia which I will share with you (along with the disclaimer that this is something I’m passing along from a guy in a bar--if you try it and die, I accept no responsibility for the consequences). Apparently, mixing your drinks with children’s anti-diuretic medications is a great way to avoid hangovers. That’s assuming you don’t mind spending more money on mix than you do on alcohol.

One to grow on, I guess.

FRIDAY
I wet my beak at my first high-end corporate, opening for Lars. It’s definitely a different vibe than your normal comedy audience. Everyone was dressed up and it was a more mixed demographic. I felt I was playing comedy defense--instead of going for laughs, my mindset is more “don’t offend anyone.“ For many comedians, the Christmas corporate is the equivalent of the goose that lays golden eggs, and I don’t want to be the guy who kills one.

Going through my act before the show looking for squeaky-clean jokes, I felt like Spinal Tap doing their first concert after Nigel quit.

My performance wasn‘t spectacular, but it was competent, which is really all an opener needs to be. Lars took care of the rest.

Golden egg in my pocket? Check.
Goose still alive? Check.
Free buffet food? Check, check, and check.

Put that one in the win column.

SATURDAY
Somebody must not have gotten the memo that I’m a lousy interview because a camera crew came into my apartment to film me for a student project.

It was fun. I always enjoy watching film crews set up their gizmos and what sits. A lot of people don’t really think beyond what they see on the screen when they’re watching a broadcast, but a lot of times what’s going on behind the camera is a lot more complex and interesting than what’s going on in front of it. Especially if what’s in front of it is Rex Grossman.

My interview skills are getting better. The problem isn’t that I’m bad so much as that I’m self conscious. I’m trying so hard to say the right thing (or at least AVOID saying the wrong thing) that often what comes out is completely uninteresting. It’s also not genuine, because I’m trying to be right instead of being me.

Being genuine means giving yourself permission to suck. It also means giving yourself permission to excel.

Let’s see how it goes.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Schedule Update

Here's the latest. Note the latest Pair of Singles with Dawn. As well, I have a Living article running on Friday.

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, December 3 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
Living Articles in the Journal
Friday, November 30 - Getting Older

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine. Current article is here

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here

Rollerblading Adventure Pics




Monday, November 26, 2007

headLINES

I wanted to take my new rollerblades for a spin today, but it's snowing. Curse you, Alberta weather.

Here's headLINES.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Dan Learns to Rollerblade

And how, you may ask, did I find myself in a parking garage at 2am with my wrists taped together being dragged behind a van? Was it the mob? A cadre of mediocre exotic dancers who took my blog posts too seriously?

None of the above. The answer is: I asked Andrew Iwanyk for a ride home.

For those of you who don't know Andrew, well, let's just say he lives in his own reality. He's a combination of eight year old child, Harpo Marx, and Tyler Durden. Things I can count on with Andrew are absurd conversations and surreal situations mixed with the occasional burst of insight. As long as Andrew is around, I will never need peyote.

Andrew is probably one of the only people for whom I actually have a Policy, and my Andrew Iwanyk Policy is this: Know your boundaries, but beyond that, go along with whatever he suggests, because the results will usually be interesting.

The reason I needed a ride home was because the show ran late and I missed my last bus. Normally, I would grab a lift with Lars, but he was having a good time, and I was exhausted, so by sticking around, I would officially become Guy-Who-Is-Just-Hanging-Around-Because-He-Needs-a-Ride-Home...and I hate that guy. I especially hate BEING that guy.

So instead I turned to Andrew.
ME: Hey, Andrew, can I get a lift home?
ANDREW: No. But I have some rollerblades in my van. If you want, I'll tow you.
ME: Okay.

Hey, you have your boundaries, and I have mine.

So we went out to the parking lot where Andrew taped my wrists together. Then he secured the tape to the back of the van, grabbed some rollerblades from the van and stuck my feet in them.

Did I mention I don't know how to rollerblade?

Andrew got in the van and started the engine.

Maybe I should have been worried. But I didn't think the tape would hold at the van end. And even if it did, the tape was wrapped around my gloves, not my wrist, so I figured I could slip out of them if things got hairy. Plus, when Andrew tied me, I used a trick I read in a Hardy Boys book when I was seven to make sure my bonds were loose, and I kind of wanted to know if it would have worked in real life.

I figured my worst case scenario would be a few scrapes and ripping my pants. Whatever. You are not your fucking khakis.

The red lights went on at the back of the van and Andrew eased forward.

The tape did not break. What it did was, it started to unravel from my wrists.

So I grabbed it, determined to make this thing work.

And it did. I was being pulled along behind the van! Top of the world, ma!

The van continued to move slowly forward, and so did I, rolling in its wake. There was a dicey moment when Andrew turned, since turning and stopping were two things I had neglected to consider when agreeing to this plan.

But I made the turn.

The tape didn't.

When the tape snapped, Andrew braked. Me...not so much.

I continued rolling forward, flailing my tape entangled arms for balance, probably looking like a cross between the bird from The Rescuers and Roller-Mummy. I passed the van on the right (I know, I know) and finally stopped when I collided with the barrier at the edge of the garage.

Andrew drove up next to me.

ANDREW: Well, I did everything I could. I guess you'll have to rollerblade home.
ME: I appreciate you trying, Andrew.
ANDREW: See you tomorrow night, I guess.

I had skated three strides forward, when Andrew beeped his horn.

I skated back.
ME: Did you forget something?
ANDREW: I was just thinking, and I know this is probably more inconvenient for you, but if you're willing, I COULD give you a lift home.
ME: That would be great, Andrew.

After Andrew dropped me off, he insisted I keep the rollerblades, which means he's either a really cool guy, or the rollerblades actually belong to Mike Harrison. Or possibly both.

Life is good.

Andrew Iwanyk and I will both be performing tonight (Sunday, November 25) at The Comic Strip in West Edmonton Mall. Show starts at 8pm.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

You Give Blondes A Bad Name (Bad Name)

I'm almost done my latest run of shows at The Comic Strip. There are two shows tonight and one tomorrow. If you want to see me, call the the Strip. Their info is at www.thecomicstrip.ca. As of this writing at least one of the Saturday shows is sold out and the other is on its way, so don't wait until the last minute.

The shows have been a lot of fun. There's been a few different MCs over the week. KELLY TAYLOR is headlining and ANDREW IWANYK is sharing the middle spot with me. It's a show worth seeing.

In fact, the shows have been going so well, I was worried this would be another boring blog about how much I love comedy and how great the crowds were and how wonderful the staff at The Comic Strip is and bla-bla-bla. All of which are true, but make for pretty boring reading.

I was hoping something would happen to provide some drama for your reading pleasure, and wouldn't you know it, the Friday late show delivered in the form of a table full of peroxide princesses seated left of the stage.

Friday late shows are generally the rowdiest of the week, so it takes a lot to disrupt them. But these women did it: talking on their cell phones, bitching about the service, and carrying on vapid conversations at full volume, ignoring the fact THERE WAS A SHOW GOING ON.

Don't do this. Ever. I'm sure you're very cool and funny and worthy. But you are not the show. All you are doing is pissing off the comedians, the staff, and the people around you who paid good money to be entertained.

What set this table apart was that they were Hot Blonde Women. Not quite as hot as they thought they were, but attractive nonetheless. And while in theory being an Hot Blonde shouldn't matter (ugly people can be jackasses too), it does make a difference in the real world.

Because people like them give Hot Blondes a bad name.

There are a lot of advantages to being good looking. If you want to know what they are, read Survival of the Prettiest by Nancy Etcoff.

But there's also at least one disadvantage to being attractive, especially about being an attractive female, and even more especially being an attractive blonde, young female: People hate you.

Not everybody. Probably (hopefully) not even most people. But there is a significant percentage of people who will hate you, for reasons that have nothing to do with who you are, but simply because you happen to be young and blonde and pretty and female. Some are women who are jealous because they can't be you. Some are guys who are bitter and resentful because they can't have you. It's unfair, but it's human nature.

I've caught myself doing it a time or two. I try not to and I feel bad afterwards and hopefully I catch myself before I act like a jerk, but I'm not always as succesful as I'd like to be.

The stereotypes about Hot Blondes--shallow, self-centered,subsituting looks for a personality, stupid--aren't true. There's plenty of attractive blondes out there who are smart, capable and interesting.

Which is why it pisses me off when assholes like that Friday Late Show Table come along. You don't just make yourselves look bad--you're besmirching your entire demographic cohort.

There's nothing wrong with being attractive. And if that's the only thing you've got going for you, there's nothing wrong with that, either. It's short-sighted--there's always another younger, hotter blondes waiting in the wings, and you're getting older--so I'd advise you to take a few eggs out of the "I'm Hot" basket and put them in "Personality" or "Marketable Skills," but if the sun is shining, go ahead and make hay.

But if you ARE going to run with the "I'm Hot and That's All I Need" strategem, understand you are giving up the right to be appreciated for anything but your looks--because, well...because you have nothing else to offer.

Absolutely no one cares what you have to say. Least of all people trying to enjoy a show in which you play absolutely no part. If you want to be onstage, either develop a talent or sign up for a wet t-shirt contest.

In the meantime, know your role: Shut the fuck up and be pretty. Don't overreach yourself by talking. Because you'll just screw it up for yourself.

And unlike those OTHER blondes, you've got nothing else to fall back on.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Sex Show Report (Warning: May Contain Scenes of Graphic Boredom)

But first:

New headLINES here.

New Pair of Singles here.


And of course, as a reminder, I'm at The Comic Strip all this week.

Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, November 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, November 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, November 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, November 24 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, November 25 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton



As for the Sex Show at the AgriCom...It was lame.

Had Dawn been there, we probably would have had a good time making fun of various things, but I wasn't able to get ahold of her, so I was sans-Dumont.

I was surprised at how boring I found it. I love sex, so for a while I was scared I was turning into a prude. Then I remembered I love comic book characters, but I find comic fairs boring as well. So maybe it wasn't the sex that was annoying as much as the "glaze-eyed wandering through a crowd like a cow in a cattle chute while people in weird costumes try and sell me shit."

Also, no matter how much you dim the lights to give the place an erotic glow...it's still the fucking AgriCom. So there you go.

More random thoughts:

I'm all for freedom of sexual expression, but I wonder about sex toys. Do you really want to be known as a sexual prop act? Then again, maybe that's what the ladies want: A gentleman in the streets and Carrot Top between the sheets."

Since I complained about strippers in this space previously, I do have to give credit where it is due, namely to Miss Nude Canada 2006. During her perfomrance at the sex show, she showed poise when her music didn't work, demonstrated some nifty athleticism--including some cool pole work and a few taekwon-do kicks that would make any red belt proud--and worked the crowd like Steve Rivers in buttless chaps (or if that image isn't horrifying enough--Rick Bronson in a thong). It's nice to know sex workers are reading my blog and taking my advice to heart.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Things You Only Hear In Bars (Part I)

(overheard by Dawn in the women's washroom)
WOMAN: A long distance relationship is Edmonton and Calgary, not Edmonton and China!

(overheard by me in the men's washroom)
GUY: Hey, man, I'm peeing in your pee.

(from the dance floor)
RANDOM GIRL: (after finding a bunch of unsmoked cigarettes (?!?) lying on the dance floor) Are these yours?
DAN: No. You're trying to turn me into a smoker. I heard about you guys in junior high health class. You're one of those peer-pressure people.
GIRL: (in a sleazy voice as she thrusts the cigarettes in my face) Just try them, man. Everyone's doing it.
DAN: I think I love you.

Life is good.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Dan's Mother Reviews Dan's Blog

"If you're using your blog to pick up chicks, you should dust your coffee table before putting up any more pictures of your living room."

Saturday, November 10, 2007

And People Say I Have No Social Conscience

Gentlemen, we need to take action. We need to make a serious change in the world we live in.

I'm not talking about global warming. I'm not talking about world peace or world hunger although those causes are okay too so long as it doesn't cut into Guitar Hero time.

I'm talking about strip clubs.

Last Friday I went to a strip club. I was thoroughly disguted.

Don't get me wrong. I like nudity. I don't even mind the fact strip clubs are basically a giant Money Flytrap from the cover charge to the coatcheck charge to the overpriced drinks to the VIP sections to the bathroom attendants to the...well...to the whole reason guys go to strip clubs in the first place. All they want is your money, but so what? Disneyland is no different.

What I hate is the mediocrity.

Every dancer looks more or less the same. Every one of them comes out and does the same five moves (insert Bret Hart joke here, smart marks). There's nothing interesting or cool or even anything that shows a hint of personality. All that changes is the costumes and the hair color. I don't know why the clubs don't just hire one woman and give her a few sets of clothes and some different colored wigs. For all I know, that's what they do.

I don't blame the dancers. If that's all they have to do to get your money, then why would they do anything else? Big budget Hollywood movies are no different.

No, gentlemen, I blame you for paying for this horseshit.

We call this city the City of Champions. The Oilers let us down and we do nothing. The Eskimos let us down and we do nothing.

City of Playoff-Missing Teams I can live with. But City of Substandard Nude Entertainment?

The line must be drawn somewhere.

I've done my part by raising awareness.

The rest is up to you.

The Trouble with Facebook

Just when you think humans can't complicate romantic relationships anymore, social networking sites come along and add a whole new twist to the game.

I'll tell you all about it. But first...how about some self-promotional stuff including this week's headLINES

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, November 13 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, November 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, November 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, November 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, November 24 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, November 25 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine. Current article is here.

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here


Where was I? Oh yeah, Facebook and its penchant for causing romantic complications.

A friend of mine told me about a pretty nasty breakup where the unhappy couple's friends became unwilling spectators for a scathing wall-to-wall exchange.

A comic I know met a couple of women after a show one night and for a joke, announced on Facebook that he was engaged to one of them. The resulting fallout...not pretty.

Josey Vogels latest column focused on her jealousy after seeing a message on her honey's wall from an ex.

Those of us in I'm-seeing-other-people-and-I'm-okay-with-you-doing-the-same phases find ourselves put to the test. It's one thing to know in theory that the person you're spending time with is seeing others--it's quite another to see the Others pictures and comments.

A couple days ago I noticed my ex- had changed her status from single to in a relationship.

It stung.

It shouldn't have. I know we did the right thing by breaking up and that a relationship with her would be unworkable for countless reasons (Okay, not countless. Probably only six or seven, but as differences go, they're pretty irreconcilable). I'm content with my current relationship status. And I WANT my ex- to be happy--and not in the saying-I-want-her-to-be-happy-through-gritted-teeth-in-a-passive-agressive-martyr sense either. I enjoyed our time together and learned a lot about myself and we parted on decent terms. As far as failed relationships goes, that's the most you can ask for.

But my heart doesn't really care that much about all that bullshit I just wrote. It's going to feel what it's going to feel when it's going to feel it. That's just the way it goes.

Funny thing. I've been writing about dating and relationships for nearly a year now. Sometimes I think I have a decent understanding about how they work and other times I think I know even less than when I started. That's what keeps me coming back, I guess.

And if things go badly, I can always blame Facebook.

Ugliest Suit in the World

Longtime readers of my column know about the my Dad's suit, affectionately known as the Green Monster. I thought it was the ugliest suit in the world.

I was wrong.

This suit I borrowed from a friend, and it is the Cthulhu of suits. Mortal eyes look upon it and go insane.

My favorite picture of the ones below is the one by the typewriter. All I'm missing is a tumbler of whiskey and I'd look like a real writer.

Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, November 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, November 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, November 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, November 24 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, November 25 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine. Current article is here.

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here

The Winner and New Champion





Sunday, November 04, 2007

K-Rock, Be Damned...What The Hell Happened to Ace DavidsonÉÉ

There are some questions that are universal. Who are weÉ Where are we goingÉ Why is blogger giving me Ès instead of question marks at the end of my sentencesÉ

But the most burning question of all is: What happened to former Monster Pro Wrestling villain, Ace DavidsonÉ

Saturday night, I found out.

Keep in mind, this wasn`t an easy decision to make. Through an unlikely chain of events I`d gotten a free ticket to a pub crawl on Friday night from a couple of soldiers on leave. I`ve never been to a pub crawl and the prospect of a school bus, free drinks, and Very Bad Girls was prety tempting.

But the lure of solving the Mystery of the Missing Heel proved too great. So that`s why instead of thowing up out a school bus window, I found myself riding through a snowstorm in a car with MPW wrestlers Heavy Metal and Young Lion Bobby Sharp.

We ended up in a dive Karaoke bar in Parkland village. If I had to describe it, I`d say it was a slightly downscale version of the bar Arnold Schwarzenegger tore up at the beginning of the second Terminator movie. Which was odd, because for a dive bar, it had the nicest, largest bathrooms I`d ever seen.

But you aren`t reading this for my thoughts on karaoke bar interior design. Get to the good stuff. Where was AceÉ

Ace was in the bar. Still towering over everyone, but instead of yelling at fans and hitting good guy wrestlers with a chain, he was singing.

He was really good. You haven`t lived until you`ve seen a six and a half foot tall biker-looking dude sing a pitch perfect version of Led Zeppelin`s `Babe, I`m Gonna Leave You.`

Actually, everyone who sang was pretty good. Better than pretty good. It was surreal. When I first walked into the bar, I thought I`d stepped into a photo shoot for White Trash Quarterly. Then I`d watch them go up one by one to sing and blow the doors off the place. I was floored.

Afterwards, we retired to Casa Davidson where I got to play Guitar Hero II for the first time. My competition was Heavy Metal.

I figured it would be a breeze. Okay, I`d never played the game before, but I could play real guitar (sort of). I was in a band for years, and Heavy Metal...well, let me tell you a story that tells you who Heavy Metal is.

Heavy Metal is a pro wrestler. He wrestled on Friday and the finish of his match was to end with him being ``hit in the head`` with a title belt. Unfortunatley, what with one thing and another, when the finish of the match game, Heavy Metal forgot to put his hands up so getting `hit in the head with a big metal belt` ended up with him--well--being hit in the head a big metal belt.

Metal was actually cut open from the impact, but decided since the lemon was there, he might as well make lemonade. He went to do his post-match interview intending to show off his bloody new cut.

Which turned out to be not as bloody as he would have liked for dramatic purposes. So Heavy Metal decided to make the injury worse by...and I swear this is God`s honest truth--punching himself in the face. Several times.

And when that didn`t work, he got my good friend and former toughman competitor Ripper to punch him in the head as well. Several more times.

And when THAT didn`t work, he resorted to tearing the cut open with his fingernails.

So I was pretty confident I could beat him at Guitar Hero II.

I was wrong.

Do you know how embarassing it is for a former semi-professional musician to be outplayed on ``Shout at the Devil`` by a guy whose main job requirement is the ability to look good in spandex and fall off a ladderÉ

Then again, maybe I should have known better. He does call himself Heavy Metal after all.

Halloween

I was going to write a blog about my Halloween, but Dawn covered most of the high points here.

The only thing I have to do is thank my friends and neighbours Adam and Shelley for loaning me the costume. There`s nothing like being friends with gamers when you need to put together a last minute costume. Or build a trebuchet.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Heaven and Hell

Saturday night I went to the bar. The first thing I saw when I walked in was a pirate.

Shit. Halloween.

A room of pimps, catwomen, cowboys, giant chickens, and anything else you could imagine, kind of like the afterlife waiting room in Beetlejuice. And me, dressed in jeans, a button-up shirt and Chuck Taylors.

A lesser man would have slunk off. But I had the third period of a one-sided hockey game to watch.

All of the bar staff were dressed either as devils or as angels. At first I thought they were just really unoriginal, until I realized it was a heaven and hell theme. Which explained the white fluffy shit around the entrance and the fake fire by the bar.

Anyway, a guy ended up recognizing me and I joined him and his friends for a tequila shot, which quickly became another tequila shot, a series of gin and tonics, and yet another shot of something I didn’t identify--it was minty tasting though.

One of this guy’s friends was from Mexico and I decided to show my cultural diversity by speaking to him in Spanish. These are the Spanish words I know. “Ay Caramba.” “Vaya Con Dios.” “Adios.”

It was a short conversation.

Afterwards, we ordered more tequila shots. “Drink this,” he told me. “It will teach you Spanish.”

Ole! Viva Multiculturalism.

I later tried to hook up with a woman dressed as Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction. She was drunk; I was drunk--what other commonalities do you need?--but I lost track of her on the dance floor.

While I was dancing a woman appeared in front of me by magic. A moment later I felt something soft and warm grinding against my body from behind. Another woman! Two more closed in from each side, boxing me in. It was like an armored car robbery with boobs.

This happens to me on dance floors from time to time, and I’m never sure how to respond.

This night, I said: “Umm…not that I’m complaining, but I think you got the wrong guy.”

They gave me funny looks and danced off.

I may have self-esteem issues.


Upcoming Comedy
Monday, November 5 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, November 6 - New City Lounge, Edmonton
Wednesday, November 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, November 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, November 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, November 24 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, November 25 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton


Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Dudes (three Tuesdays, starting November 13)
Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca

Upcoming Writing
Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal
Friday, November 2 - The Power of Not Now

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine. Current article is here.

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Office Space

For Halloween, the Board of Directors played a very funny trick on us. They moved our office.

Have you ever tried to find your way around an unfinished office building?

SAMSON was working "reception," which meant sitting with a laptop and a folding table outside the elevator. I was wandering the halls aimlessly...which come to think about it, is pretty much what I do anyway. Only usually the halls have light switches.

Here is a snippet of actual conversation

SAMSON: What are you doing?
ME: Trying to find the office I was in two minutes ago.

Photocopiers and server access be damned. I'll settle for a GPS and a flare gun.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Some Scheduling Changes

NOTE: My scheduled dates at the Comic Strip for next week have been moved to NOVEMBER 21-25

As well, my next Living Article will run this Friday, November 2 in the Edmonton Journal.

Latest headLINES is here

I'll also be updating this blog with a story from this past weekend in the next couple days. Uma Thurman might be in it.

Stay Tuned.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

I'm Shocked...Shocked

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, November 5 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, November 6 - New City Lounge, Edmonton
Wednesday, November 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, November 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, November 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, November 24 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, November 25 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton


Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Dudes (three Tuesdays, starting November 13)
Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca

Upcoming Writing
Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal
Friday, November 2 - The Power of Not Now

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine. Current article is here.

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here


I went to my first hockey game last week (thanks for the tickets, JL).

The game was great, but my favorite part was between periods. This local casino was doing a promotional thing where they have this giant electronic roulette wheel that goes all the way around the arena. A guy picks copper or blue and if the wheel stops on his color, he gets a prize.

He got three 'spins' and lost every single time. I think he walked out of there with a baseball hat.

I'm not in marketing like JL, but that struck me as the worst promotion for a casino ever. "Come to our casino and lose all your money."

If they watched 'Casablanca' these things wouldn't happen.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Hangover Music

The last few times I've gone drinking, I've felt terrible after.

That's patently unfair. You shouldn't get a hangover unless you were drunk enough to deserve it.

I guess I need to start drinking less.

Or drinking more.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Playing it Safe

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, November 5 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, November 6 - New City Lounge, Edmonton
Wednesday, November 7 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, November 8 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, November 9 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, November 10 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, November 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton


Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Dudes (three Tuesdays, starting November 13)
Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca

Upcoming Writing
Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal
Friday, November 2 - The Power of Not Now

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine. Current article is here.

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here


I don't have a lot in common with Tucker Max, but I do enjoy his writing.

One of the things I like is his commitment to being honest about what he feels and where he's coming from. MIKE HARRISON talks about the same thing when he talks about comedy. Personally, I feel there's a difference between being honest and being genuine. You can use honesty to some crappy stuff to people. I think the solution is to be genuine instead. It's a subtle difference, but an important one.

It makes me feel guilty when I look back at this blog. I've always played it safe here and a lot of these posts have been pretty bland as a result. Everything I've written has been honest, but I've also omitted a lot of stuff because I was afraid of offending people or having others "not like me."

That needs to change.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Duck Duck Bang

Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, October 24 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, November 6 - New City Lounge, Edmonton
Wednesday, November 7 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, November 8 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, November 9 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, November 10 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, November 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton


Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Dudes (three Tuesdays, starting November 13)
Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca

Upcoming Writing
Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal: TBA

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine. Current article is here.

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here


--Tuesday night I got to do a show at the Strip. AFterwards I ended up chatting with a couple from Fort McMurray who came to see the show. It's always interesting to get perspective from someone outside of the business. Once you've been doing comedy for awhile, you lose some of your objectivity, so it can be really helpful to hear things from the point of view of a fan. Valuable stuff.

--I saw Duck Duck Bang on Sunday. I know the woman who did the set design and costumes, so it was neat to see her personality shine through in some of it. She also wrote the lyrics to some of the songs and I kept listening trying to see if I could pin down which lyrics were hers.

The show itself was awesome. I especially liked the aerialists. I was just astonished at how much body control they had and the way they could wrap themselves up in these ropes and stuff. I can't explain it. You would have to see it to believe it. It was also kind of funny during the wire work, looking up into the rafters (or whatever you call them) and seeing the crew running around like madmen pulling ropes to make the actors 'fly.'

Friday, October 12, 2007

Moustache Watch

AAAAAH!!!! MY FACIAL HAIR SUCKS!!! THIS IS NEVER GOING TO WORK!!

On the other hand, it's given me an idea.

dansmustache.blogspot.com

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Stuff I'm reading

www.tuckermax.com

Radical Honesty article

Hard Work and Moustache Update

Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, October 10 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, October 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, November 6 - New City Lounge, Edmonton

Upcoming Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal: TBA

Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Dudes (three Tuesdays, starting November 13)
Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca


Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here.

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine. Current article is here.


Went to the final open mic at the Riverside Pub in St. Albert last night. It's a tough room, but a good time. I'm osrry to see it go. I owe a lot to my nights at the Riverside. There were nights I wouldn't even want to go because I knew what a challenge it would be, but every night I went up, I was glad I did. LARS and I were talking about this phenomenon yesterday. The good rooms are fun, but the rough ones are satisfying. In the words of the legendary Arn Anderson: "Adversity introduces a man to himself."

One of the most rewarding things about comedy is that it is one of those things where working hard pays off. Onstage, at least, it really is a meritocracy. The people who make that extra effort to show up and hone their craft seperate themselves from the pack. For myself, I notice. When I'm lazy on stage or don't put the effort in to hit open mics, it shows in my act. But when I dedicate myself and challenge myself I see measurable improvement.

I am also seeing signs of growth on my moustache, but over all it is not encouraging. This may have been a mistake.

Shameless Plug Department.

The latest Pair of Singles is up. Check it out here.

I'm performing at The Comic Strip tonight. Show starts at 8pm, so come check it out.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

New Goals

I think I'm going to grow a mullet. And a moustache. And possibly start talking with a fake Australian accent (I'd prefer Irish, but that's beyond my impression abilities, which are pretty lack-lustre for a stand-up comic).

I'm going to get people to sponsor me. They'll pledge a certain amount of money for every date I'm able to secure (I will post pictures so people know I'm not faking) while sporting my new follicle-accoutrements. I'll give half the money for charity and keep the rest. Then I'll write an article about the experience.

And to think some people actually work for a living.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Under the Thinking Tree

Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, October 10 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, November 6 - New City Lounge, Edmonton

Upcoming Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal: TBA

Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Dudes (three Tuesdays, starting November 13)
Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca


Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here.

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine every second Saturday. Current article is here.


MIKE HARRISON is an interesting comic. He's a comedy idealist, and while I don't agree with everything he believes, I enjoy hearing his thoughts.

One thing I agree with him wholeheartedly on is being genuine on stage (offstage as well, I supposed, but let's keep the discussion to comedy). Being authentic and true to what you want, whether it's experimental or straight down the middle mainstream will keep you from going crazy. I suppose that could apply to anything in life.

That's not to say people can't be succesful doing something they don't like. I've seen it happen. But they aren't very happy.

The audience comes to be entertained. Nothing else matters to them. Authenticity doesn't make a difference to them. In the end, each time we choose to do something that isn't really us, we're cheating ourselves.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Ramble On

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, October 8 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, November 6 - New City Lounge, Edmonton

Upcoming Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal: TBA

Upcoming Teaching
Writing Fantasy and Science Fiction (five Thursdays starting October 11)
Dating for Dudes (three Tuesdays, starting November 13)
Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca


Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here.

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine every second Saturday. Current article is here.


At the last minute I got to participate in the 24 hour film festival where people try and make a movie in 24 hours. I helped on the script and then rushed off to do a show. (two shows, actually). The headliner was fun, and it's always a blast hanging out with Dawn.

Also, I have a new joke that works. Hooray. Happiness is a reliable one-liner.

I'm feeling a little foggy this week. I love the fall, but once it starts getting cold and dark, all I want to do is sleep. Instead I've been trying excercise to raise my energy level. A friend of mine is taking capoeira lessons--I'd love to get back into martial arts, but I don't think it's in the cards at this point given my current schedule.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Hello, everybody

Upcoming Comedy
Friday, September 28 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, September 29 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, September 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, October 8 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal: TBA

Upcoming Teaching
Writing Fantasy and Science Fiction (five Thursdays starting October 11)
Dating for Dudes (three Tuesdays, starting November 13)
Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca


Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here.

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine every second Saturday. Current article is here.



Living article in the Journal today. Check it out here

The shows are going really well. I'll be up for the rest of the weekend, so I hope you'll come down and check it out. The headliner JOHN ROY is really good. Plus, DAWN DUMONT is co-featuring with me, and it's always fun to work with her. We like to sit at the back and pick out the audience members with the best laugh.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

No Living Column Today

Apologies for those of you expecting a Living Column in the Journal Friday. The newspaper business is an unpredictable one.

In the meantime, the latest Pair of Singles can be found here.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Fear of the Dark

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, September 17 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, September 25 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, September 26 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, September 27 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, September 28 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, September 29 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, September 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, October 8 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal
Friday, September 21
Friday, October 5

Upcoming Teaching
Writing Fantasy and Science Fiction (five Thursdays starting October 11)
Dating for Dudes (three Tuesdays, starting November 13)
Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca


Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here.

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine every second Saturday. Current article is here.


There's nothing like hitting the stage for an MC spot, only to discover that the microphone and lights are off. It happened last night. I thought I was going to have to get them all to gather round and tell ghost stories. But that's what's cool about comedy, especially MCing. You can never predict what's going to happen, and you're forced to use your creativity to adapt. Or stock lines.

It all worked out all right, thanks to a good, energetic crowd, technicians who were quick to fix the problem, and my own amazing vocal projection skills. Maybe I should do my comedy like that all the time, with the mic off in the dark. A few people have said, I'd be a lot more succesful if people couldn't see me or hear me.

GAVIN STEPHENS who is headlining the Comic Strip this week is a really cool guy. I met him for the first time last night, and was blown away, not just by his abilities, but his sense of perspective on comedy and with life in general.

Over at Yuk Yuks, MIKE WILMOT, one of my favorites is performing. He also has an interesting outlook on life, though slightly different than GAVIN's.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Short Post

I'll be teaching two courses through Metro Continuing Education this Fall.

Writing Fantasy and Science Fiction runs for five Thursdays starting October 11

Dating for Dudes will run three Tuesdays, starting November 13

Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca

I found Dokken's old "Unchain the Night" on DVD. It was the first heavy metal video I bought and now I can watch it again. If I can find Skid Row's "Oh Say Can You Scream" I will be over the moon.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Dang It Feels Good To Be a Gangster

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, September 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, September 12 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, September 17 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, September 26 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, September 27 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, September 28 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, September 29 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, September 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal
Friday, September 7
Friday, September 21
Friday, October 5

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Mondayin the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here.

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine every second Saturday. Current article is here.


Okay, I'm not really a gangster, but I like that song. I have some exciting news, but it will have to wait as I'm finalizing some details.

In the meantime, I will be hitting On The Rocks tonight for some Salsa lessons. It will be fun. I'm not very good at it yet, but it's always a good time and there are lots of friendly people there. The last time I went, I ran into a woman I hadn't seen in a decade. She was a really good friend, so it was awesome reconnecting.

St. Albert Transit has changed their bus routes into the city, and thus far, I am not impressed. If--like me--you found yourself waiting in the rain yesterday, I strongly encourage you to contact St. Albert Transit and voice your displeasure.

If anyone is interested, I will be teaching my Writing Science Fiction and Fantasy Stories through Metro Continuing Education starting October 11. Register through www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca.

Friday, August 31, 2007

The Angel of Death Strikes

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, August 28 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, September 12 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, September 17 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, September 26 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, September 27 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, September 28 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, September 29 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, September 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal
Friday, September 7
Friday, September 21
Friday, October 5

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday at the Edmonton Journal's ed online magazine.

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont also appears in ed magazine. Dates TBA


Did you know I actually sound better singing Karaoke with a cold? I didn't. I've also gotten everyone I've come into contact with in the last week sick. I'm the Angel of Death. (In fairness, this isn't 100% my fault. I asked a friend if I was still contagious and she looked it up on Wikipedia and said I wasn't. I believed her--she's a Master's Student, after all so she must know what she's talking about. Also, Wikipedia)

Photo shoot today. I will have a co-star in the photos for an upcoming article. His name is Parker and he is a three (or possibly four) months old. His parents were gracious enough to let me use a picture of us together in an article.

I'm reading the Power of Now by Eckhard Tolle. I tend to dismiss a lot of that stuff as new age voodoo crap, but this one seems okay if a tad repetitive. It's all about living in the moment instead of worrying about the past or future. I have a hard time living in the moment as I am often looking forward to the next one. Especially if there's basketball in it.

Rumors are that MPW is up and running again and will be doing TV tapings again. If so, that's great news. There are some cool, hard-working, talented guys in that promotion and they deserve all the success in the world.

Dawn references Fellini movies in our next Pair of Singles article. I'm embarassed to admit, I had only the vaguest idea of who Fellini was. I hate having a co-writer who's smarter than me. Oh well. That's why Wikipedia was invented.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Return of Me

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, August 28 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, September 12 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, September 17 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, September 26 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, September 27 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, September 28 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, September 29 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, September 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton


Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday at the Edmotnon Journal's ed online magazine.

Sorry for the delay between posts. I'm getting over a Death Cold, which has pretty much had me whining and complaining for the last week. The good news is I was able to get some work done on the MIA Pair of Singles stuff. The POS (We need a better acronym) blog has been unavoidably delayed, but there should be more articles on ed online in the next week or so.

Flu-like symptoms (as they say on the sports injured lists) aside, I'm feeling pretty good. More importantly, I'm feeling very energized about the shows this month and my latest writing projects. Things are also going well in my personal life. As good as I feel, It's weird having nothing to complain about. Nobody wants to hear from a happy person.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Not much to report.

UPCOMING WRITING
Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal
Friday, August 17 - The Big Sleep


I've been reading a lot of JONATHAN TROPPER's books lately. I really enjoy his writing: angst with happy endings--the best of both worlds, really.

Tomorrow I leave for San Francisco. I'm excited. This has been one of the tougher trips to get organized for; everything is taking longer and causing more trouble than any previous voyage, so I have a slight feeling of nameless dread. Bah! It will be fun. Maybe I'll go to Berkley and become a communist. They have a good music school there too.

Okay, clearly, I'm just rambling.

I've noticed whenever I have something moderately healthy to eat, I always feel compelled to announce to everyone around what I'm having: "I guess I"ll go eat my YOGURT now!" or "I'm going to grab my SALAD THAT I MADE MYSELF from the fridge." Of course, if I'm cheating and sneaking off for Pizza Pops I'll just say "I'll be back" (and not in an Arnold voice either).

Did I say rambling earlier? I need a nap.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

New Column tomorrow

New column tomorrow in the Journal. Hooray! It's on break-ups (not-hooray).

The week has been pretty good at the Comic Strip. Although the jokes that worked on Monday, didn't hold up on Wednesday, so we may be revisiting the drawing board.

I love the weather in Edmonton right now. The sun makes me happy. Other things that make me happy include: hamburgers, Skittles, Scrubs, good books, jokes that work, semi-colons, and kissing.

Just so you know.

Here's what's going on:

Upcoming Comedy

Thursday, August 2 - The Comic strip
Frday, August 3 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, August 4 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, August 5 - The Comic Strip
Monday, August 6 - The Comic Strip

Upcoming Writing
Friday, August 3 - The Breakup, Living Column Edmonton Journal

Check out headLINES and A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont at ed

IN other news...

Sure Shot Dombrowski Skates into Edmonton International Film Festival

Sure Shot Dombrowski,
has been accepted into the Edmonton International Film Festival 2007 where
we will launch its world premiere.
The festival runs from September 28 through October 6, 2007. For more
information about the festival, please visit
http://www.edmontonfilmfest.com/

Check it out. The Russian Goal Judge has an awesome suit.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Update

Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, August 1 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, August 2 - The Comic strip
Frday, August 3 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, August 4 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, August 5 - The Comic Strip
Monday, August 27 - The Comic Strip

Upcoming Writing
Check out headLINES and A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont at ed


-I just finished reading Porn-o-lo-gy, by Ayn Carrillo-Gailey . It's a really funny book about a woman accused of being a 'pornophobe's attempts to understand the world of adult entertainment. I highly recommend it.

-If you're in Edmonton for the Fringe, SEAN LECOMBER, ANDREW IWANYK, KELLY SOLODUKA, and LARS CALLIEOU are putting together a show called STAND UP STAND OUTS. They're all hilarious and they have very diverse styles, so there will definitely be something for anyone's taste in humour. For info check out www.fringetheatreadventures.ca.

-Looking forward the shows this weekend. Hope to see everyone there.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Rock like a hurricane

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, July 30 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, August 1 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, August 2 - The Comic strip
Frday, August 3 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, August 4 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, August 5 - The Comic Strip
Monday, August 27 - The Comic Strip


Check out headLINES and A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont at ed

Next Pair of Singles: The First Move (Saturday, July 28, 2007)

Saw PAUL BROWN on Thursday outside the TUPELO HONEY show. I always enjoy chatting with him. He's one of the hardest working guys I know. It was also cool to see Greg from Tupelo Honey. He and the bassist were two of the guys that succeeded me in Sweet Alibi. The lead singer of that band has gone on to form DESOUSA DRIVE. Everyone still with me? Watching them rock the house made me miss doing music a little. Then I saw them hauling amps out after the show, and remembered why I left.

I watched Weird Al on Wednesday. Hard to believe he's been making a living doing parodies for over 20 years. Maybe I should try it. That way I'd get to continue to doing comedy, but I'd still get to rock people's faces off.

Oh yeah. Hauling amps.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, July 30 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, August 1 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, August 2 - The Comic strip
Frday, August 3 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, August 4 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, August 5 - The Comic Strip


Check out headLINES and A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont at ed


I was up all night reading "Soon I Will Be Invincible," a novel by Austin Grossman. I'm probably the only fiction guy not reading Harry Potter righ now. "...Invincible was a great read though, and I recommend it to fans of super-heroes and good writing in general.

I'm looking to see San Francisco in August. And no, I won't be wearing a flower in my hair. That will probably be my last trip this year. I'm not sure what's next on the agenda. For Canadian cities, I'd love to see Montreal and Quebec City. In the U.S., Boston and Seattle. And Truth-or-Consequences, New Mexico. I know nothing about it, but I like the name.

I spent an hour last night complaining to JAMES BALL how even though all my other writing is going well, my joke-writing seems to have ground to a stand-still. Then I went home and wrote for an hour. My brain is strange.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Darn it.

Well, it's official. I am the world's worst interview. I have a new respect for anyone I've ever interviewed for an article.

Thank goodness I'm pretty.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Update

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, July 30 - The Comic Strip

Upcoming Writing
Living Columns in the Edmonton Journal

Friday, July 20 - Banana-Face: Live and Let Diet

Check out headLINES and A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont at ed online


-I don't normally write about my personal life in this space, but this is too good. My Mom climbed a mountain. Sadly, I wasn't there, but that is awesome. My mother is X-treme. I guess now I really have no excuse not to start living a more active lifestyle.

-CAM TATE came by to perform at the Comic Strip a few weeks ago. It was cool to meet him. He used to write for sports in the Journal and I remember reading him as a kid. I didn't know he did comedy also, but he toured with RICK BRONSON back in the day. He's a funny guy.

-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! I got an e-mail from Miss Alli. I'm very excited.

-For those of you anxiously awaiting the return of A Pair of Singles, we're working on it. It will be worth the wait.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Random thoughts.

The shows went really well last week (except Thursday, where I went down in flames--but the impact crater was glorious). My personal goal was to do more crowd work. The great thing about a string of shows like that is you can pick a goal and work towards it over the course of the series. By Sunday I was answering other peoples' cell phones like a pro. Go me.


A new person tried stand-up last night at the Riverside in St. Albert. It was fun watching her go from excitment and anticipation to dawning horror as she realized just what she was getting into. The Riverside is a 'unique' show. The good news about starting at the Riverside is, after that, amateur night at Yuks or The Comic Strip seems a heck of a lot easier.

Photo shoot tomorrow for the Journal. Naturally, I woke up with a zit on the end of my nose. Awesome.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Max's MC Debut

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, July 3 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, July 4 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, July 5 - The Comic Strip
Friday, July 6 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, July 7 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, July 8 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, July 26 - Crown & Anchor, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
Check out headLINES and A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont at ed online


-Yesterday marked MAX MAULT's debut as an MC for the Comic Strip. Max is one of the nicest, funniest guys in comedy, so it's awesome seeing him get opportunities. The show was headlined be ANDREW IWANYK who tried to set up KELLY DAKUS with an audience member. Kelly has awesome stage presence so seeing him and Andrew share a stage was really cool and hilarious.

-I had a good time doing shows at the Comedy Factory. Hard to believe I'd never done that room before. Until I think of what a pain it was to get there via bus (because that's how I roll). Then I believe it.

-I got my picture taken at the Journal for the masthead of the online version of A Pair of Singles. One of the editors told me I am one of the most photographed people in Journal history, yet they didn't have one normal picture of me. I've been mugging for the camera for so long, I don't know how to look normal when people are taking my picture anymore. I'm exited for the blog version of A Pair of Singles as it will have more opportunities to interact with readers.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

REturn to Edmonton

Upcoming Comedy
Thursday, June 28 - Crown & Anchor, Edmonton
Friday, June 29 - The Comedy Factory, Edmonton
Saturday, June 30 - The Comedy Factory, Edmonton
Thursday, July 26 - Crown & Anchor, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
Saturday, June 30 - Ed magazine--Relationship book reviews.

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the ed section of the Edmonton Journal



-After this Saturday, ed magazine is heading completely online. headLINES will be posted Mondays, and A Pair of Singles will be re-vamped into blog format. I'm very excited.

-Las Vegas was great, albeit very hot. I may have over done it on the sunscreen though. I came home as pale as when I left. And all my shirts are sticky. I won twenty-five cents playing the slots. High roller, coming through.

-I'm done with myspace. It's a wasteland. Sorry, Tom.

Time to sleep for a week.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Giddy

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, June 18 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, June 28 - Crown & Anchor, Edmonton
Thursday, July 26 - Crown & Anchor, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
Friday, June 15 - Living Section, Edmonton Journal

A Pair of Singles (with Dawn Dumont) in ed magazine every second Saturday
Next: Online Dating (Part 2)

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the ed section of the Edmonton Journal

Be Dan Brodribb's friend on MySpace at www.myspace.com/danbrodribb


-I'm going to SmackDown!!! I'm giddy like a schoolgirl. Dino, the Comic Strip manager was able to get luxury box tickets and was kind enough to invite me.

-I've been thinking about women's clothes recently. Part of it is because of the dating column, and part of it is from watching women on comedy stages. I think it's interesting how women have to dress both for other women and for guys. Some women go strong one way or the other. I know some single women who have trouble attracting guys. Sometimes I think part of it is the way they dress, even though they actually have a pretty strong fashion sense. Their choices are fashionable, but it isn't particulary attractive. On the other hand, the hoochie-mama (or whatever the kids are calling it) looks sexy to guys, but turns off women. I really admire those women who can hit that balance between being attractive to men and non-threatening but fashionable to women.

On the other hand, maybe I shouldn't be talking about fashion at all since I just found I've been walking around in my new shoes with the price tag still attached.

Random Comedy Thoughts

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, June 18 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
A Pair of Singles (with Dawn Dumont) in ed magazine every second Saturday
This Saturday: Online Dating

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the ed section of the Edmonton Journal

Be Dan Brodribb's friend on MySpace at www.myspace.com/danbrodribb


--You always hear that likeability is important for comics, but that was really reinforced this weekend. My mom came to a couple shows. She liked one comic, and was less impressed by one of the others. Later she was doing her best in her mom-like fashion to retell one of the jokes the comic she liked did. The funny thing was, the comic she liked didn't do that joke. It was the other guy's, the one she didn't like. All the jokes she liked, she attributed to the comic she liked, even if he wasn't the one who told them. Interesting, no?

-Writing jokes is fun. One of the cool mysteries about writing though, is the quality of the joke has no correlation to how much time and effort you put into writing it. I've had jokes come off the top of my head that worked great, and jokes that I spent hours on bomb. I've had jokes I've thrown off the top of my head bomb and jokes I spent hours on work. There's no rhyme or reason to it--and that's what makes it so interesting.

-SEAN THOMPSON is a classy dude. At the fundraiser last night, he raised close to five hundred dollars for the Bear's Children's Fund, by getting his chest waxed onstage. PAUL BROWN and I, no strangers to body hair ourselves were most impressed.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I Shook Hands With Samoa Joe

Monday, May 14 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, May 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, May 31 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday,June 1 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, June 2 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, June 3 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, June 5 - Cliff's Pub, Bear Children's Fundraiser, Edmonton
Monday, June 14 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

A Pair of Singles (with Dawn Dumont) in ed magazine every second Saturday
Next: Online Dating Part 2

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the ed section of the Edmonton Journal

Be Dan Brodribb's friend on MySpace at www.myspace.com/danbrodribb

Dan Brodribb's Wrestling Blog can be found at maritalartgallery.blogspot.com


How the hell to people manage to find time to update their blog every day?

This isn't a wrestling blog, but SAMOA JOE was in town. SHAWN GRAMIAK had an extra ticket so I tagged along. It was a fun show. Samoa Joe is incredibly charismatic, and is a great performer. His face and body language is awesome. He had the crowd in the palm of his hand from the moment his music hit. He was facing JOHNNY DEVINE, who is no slouch either.

Shawn brought his niece along, which was cool. Her favorite part was when a wrestler would jump off the ropes at his opponent but miss, crashing and burning on the mat. She's right. That never gets old.


When I grow up, I want to be as relaxed onstage as KELLY TAYLOR.

I'm excited about this next run of shows. If you happen to be at the show, stop by and say hello afterwards.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Back For More

Comedy
Monday, May 14 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, May 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, May 31 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday,June 1 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, June 2 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, June 3 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, June 5 - Cliff's Pub, Bear Children's Fundraiser, Edmonton

Upcoming Writing
Living Columns in the Edmonton Journal
Friday, May 25 - Lasagna Pan Blues

A Pair of Singles (with Dawn Dumont) in ed magazine every second Saturday
This Saturday: Online Dating Part 1

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the ed section of the Edmonton Journal

Be Dan Brodribb's friend on MySpace at www.myspace.com/danbrodribb

Dan Brodribb's Wrestling Blog can be found at maritalartgallery.blogspot.com


You haven't heard from me in a while, because I've been obsessed with the NBA playoffs. Of course now with the best series (Spurs vs. Suns) being over, and the Spurs halfway through stomping my beloved Utah Jazz into Mudhole-Town, I think I'm done (OPEN LETTER TO THE JAZZ: I love you with all my heart. But those powder blue uniforms have got to go. It's hard to take a basketball team seriously when their road gear is the same color as a baby's footie pyjamas).

According to KATHLEEN MCGEE's blog, Rugby fest was quite an event. I only saw the aftermath, as ANDREW IWANYK and TRAVIS ROBINSON dropped by the Comic Strip afterwards. IT was a...memorable show to say the least. Drunk comics, drunk audience members...I've never seen anything like it.

If you like 80s glam metal, you might want to check out RATT POISON, a Edmonton cover band. They do a pretty good job. HEAVY METAL would love these guys.