Heaven and Hell

Saturday night I went to the bar. The first thing I saw when I walked in was a pirate.

Shit. Halloween.

A room of pimps, catwomen, cowboys, giant chickens, and anything else you could imagine, kind of like the afterlife waiting room in Beetlejuice. And me, dressed in jeans, a button-up shirt and Chuck Taylors.

A lesser man would have slunk off. But I had the third period of a one-sided hockey game to watch.

All of the bar staff were dressed either as devils or as angels. At first I thought they were just really unoriginal, until I realized it was a heaven and hell theme. Which explained the white fluffy shit around the entrance and the fake fire by the bar.

Anyway, a guy ended up recognizing me and I joined him and his friends for a tequila shot, which quickly became another tequila shot, a series of gin and tonics, and yet another shot of something I didn’t identify--it was minty tasting though.

One of this guy’s friends was from Mexico and I decided to show my cultural diversity by speaking to him in Spanish. These are the Spanish words I know. “Ay Caramba.” “Vaya Con Dios.” “Adios.”

It was a short conversation.

Afterwards, we ordered more tequila shots. “Drink this,” he told me. “It will teach you Spanish.”

Ole! Viva Multiculturalism.

I later tried to hook up with a woman dressed as Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction. She was drunk; I was drunk--what other commonalities do you need?--but I lost track of her on the dance floor.

While I was dancing a woman appeared in front of me by magic. A moment later I felt something soft and warm grinding against my body from behind. Another woman! Two more closed in from each side, boxing me in. It was like an armored car robbery with boobs.

This happens to me on dance floors from time to time, and I’m never sure how to respond.

This night, I said: “Umm…not that I’m complaining, but I think you got the wrong guy.”

They gave me funny looks and danced off.

I may have self-esteem issues.


Upcoming Comedy
Monday, November 5 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, November 6 - New City Lounge, Edmonton
Wednesday, November 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, November 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, November 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, November 24 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, November 25 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton


Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Dudes (three Tuesdays, starting November 13)
Learn more at www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca

Upcoming Writing
Living Articles in the Edmonton Journal
Friday, November 2 - The Power of Not Now

A Pair of Singles with Dawn Dumont appears in ed Magazine. Current article is here.

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. Current headLINES is here