Winter Clothing Watch 2009-2010 Season

As longtime readers know, my ability to lose items of winter clothing is unparalleled.

This year I made it to December 30 before losing my first article. On the other hand, I hit the trifecta, misplacing my hat and both gloves.

I have not had time to replace them, so I am wearing two mismatched gloves from previous winters and a hat that Bubba brought me back from South America.

If you're wondering about a South American hat's ability to retain heat in a Canadian winter, the correct answer is "Not great, but better than you might expect."

Happy New Year everyone. Best wishes for 2010.

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, January 4 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton
Tuesday, Januay 5 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton
Wednesday, January 6 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton
Tuesday, January 19 - The Laugh Shop, Edmonton

Wrestling Apprearances
Tuesday, Jan 12th - CWE, Gillam, MB
Wednesday, Jan 13th - CWE, Thompson, MB
Thursday, Jan 14th - CWE, Flin Flon, MB
Friday, Jan 15th - CWE, The Pas, MB
Saturday, January 23 - OSCW New Year's Glory, Edmonton

Coming This January: DAN!!itoba (*)

Just learned I will be doing a tour of Manitoba in January with CWE (Canada's Wrestling Elite)

There's nothing more exciting to me than visiting a place I haven't been before and meeting new people--Except maybe performing there doing something I love, accompanied by some of the best wrestlers in the business (**). In addition to Eclipse, Heavy Metal, and the CWE favorites, there will be special appearances from former WWE stars The Road Dogg Jesse James and Big Vito.

Here are the dates and towns:

Tuesday, Jan 12th - Gillam, MB
Wednesday, Jan 13th - Thompson, MB
Thursday, Jan 14th - Flin Flon, MB
Friday, Jan 15th - The Pas, MB


For more information including ticket info, visit the CWE website here.

(*) With apologies to CAM!!ikaze for the gimmick theft.

(**) And one of whom is trying to adhere to a Forty-Day Celibacy "diet." Bring your A-game, Ladies of Manitoba.

"Twists Off Just Like Lipstick!"

Went shopping for a USB memory stick today. I know nothing about them so I asked the marijuana-marinated 19 year old clerk for a hand.

MARIJUANA-MARINATED CLERK: Which one do you want?
DAN: Which one's cheapest?
MARIJUANA-MARINATED CLERK: (pointing to another option) That one's on sale.

Goodie. I reached for the sale item.

And froze.

This GSB stick was colored junior high school girl electric purple. On the packaging was written in breathless leatters: "Twists Open Just Like A Tube Of Lipstick!!"

It didn't look like a tube of lipstick. It looked like one of those discreet pocket-sized self-pleasuring aids professional women carry in their purses for trans-Atlantic flights.

I bought it anyway.

I might be cheap, but at least I'm secure in my masculinity.

"Silence Helps Perpetrators, Not Victims"

I have no idea where I picked up that quote, but it has always made me uncomfortable. I've always believed in letting others make their own decisions and minding my own business--but I've often worried I hide behind those beliefs as an excuse not to make a stand for what I believe is right.

Which Brings us to..

REASONS I LOVE COMEDY #1 (Being Able To Say What I want) and #3 (Surprising Myself)

The other night we had an unpleasant fellow at the comedy show. I was there on a date, which meant instead of sitting in my usual "gorilla position" where I can see both the crowd and the stage, I was in the back. I didn't think this guy was anything out of the ordinary.

But when I moved to my usual pre-show spot, I saw he was different.

The guy was grabbing at some girl in the crowd. I don't know if they were on a date, or if he had just met her there, but she didn't look very comfortable with his attentions. And he didn't look like he cared much what she thought.

He kept grabbing at her and she kept trying to push him away. If a cartoonist was to paint a thought bubble above her head, it might read something like: "This is the last time I go out with anyone I meet on Plentyoffish."

I wandered by the bench they were sitting, caught her eye and mouthed "are you all right?"

"I'm OK," she mouthed back, which judging from her body language and expression should be translated as: "I'm not okay, but I don't want to make a scene."

I'm familiar with that one. I am, after all, the man who years ago took a gay guy's phone number because I didn't want to embarrass him telling him I was straight.

I was quite irate that no one was doing anything. The whole point of having a date in a public place is to avoid these very situations. There are many things I love about human nature, but the bystander effect isn't one of them. And since I was one of the bystanders--and one of the few who could clearly see what was going on--the person I was most pissed off at for not stepping up was myself.

I pulled the MC, Mike Harrison, aside: "Man, that guy is not cool."

"I know, I know," Mike said. "I'm getting him out of here."

It was reassuring that Mike saw what was going on and was on top of things. But as I went up on stage, he was still getting people together..

The molester continued his molestations.

And that's when I took hold of the microphone, looked straight at the guy in front of the whole club and said: "I'm sorry. Is our show interrupting your DATE RAPE?"

A few minutes later, he was escorted out of the club sans woman.

I don't know if what I did was the right thing, or even if it made a difference. In crsis work, we're taught to be cautious about publicly calling people out for fear of the perpetrator taking it out on the other person later for "embarassing" him. They didn't LOOK like they were part of an ongoing relationship, so I felt pretty safe, but you never know. I didn't see what happened to the woman after, so there are a lot of unanswered questions in my mind.

And part of me felt it had to be said. Maybe to let the woman know it wasn't her fault and that she had support. Maybe to humiliate the guy so he didn't do it again. Maybe in hopes that taking a public stand might make a difference to someone watching in the audience.

Or maybe, it was someting I needed to do for myself.

It was a surprise to me that I was able to speak out. I'm not a public crusader and never have been. I don't see that changing in the future. At the same time, it was nice to know that I can speak up if I feel it needs to be done...even in front of a roomful of strangers and my comedian peers that I still feel nervous about impressing.

In the end, I'll never know what happened. I don't know if what I said was the right thing or even if it made a difference for anybody. I don't know that guy's story or if the woman was okay.

But that's how it goes. You make the best decisions you can and learn to live with the unknown.

That's not just a comedy lesson, but a life lesson. But comedy taught it to me, and that's one more reason I owe this business more than I can ever give back.

Things Dan Loves About Comedy #87 392: Comedians (And Other Funny People) Commenting On Each Other's Facebook Statuses

The Status:

"Dan Brodribb is contemplating taking Dawn's suggestion of naming his man-part "The Truth." Can you handle the Truth, baby?"

The ensuing comments:

Jeff: Mitch Fatel calls his "The Boss"
Adam: Yah, but then in intimate moments you'll be forever reminded of Tom Cruise shouting "I want The Truth!"
Dan Brodribb: Tom can't handle The Truth
Jacqulyn: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i so dont have a comment for this. im just completely and utterly amused
Laurie: I really think that Tom Cruise would very much like to handle The Truth though. I'd be careful Dan!
Shawn Gramiak: The problem is, we all inevitably come to the conclusion that no one really wants The Truth. Because The Truth hurts. Eventually people will ask you to water down The Truth, or bend and twist The Truth to fit their own devices.
Jeff: LOL Mr. Gramiak I tip my hat to your wit.
Dana: The Truth will set you free
Adam: "You can bend it and twist it... You can misuse and abuse it... But even God cannot change the Truth.”
Dawn Dumont: Don't give me credit for that - you came up with that all on your own.
Tanya: Or how about little man??
Shawn Gramiak: As long as its not Burning Man.
Shawn Gramiak: I love The Truth will set you free. However, also keep in mind that The Truth is often greatly exaggerated.
Lars Callieou: How about 'A Little White Lie'. A little white lie never hurt anyone.
Ryan Ash: your dick is brandon vera???
Shawn Gramiak: No, but Brandon Vera has sometimes been a...
Jeff: I was chatting with a guy at work and he came up with the best one yet. "Sometimes the Truth is hard to swallow." hee hee.

Dating For Shy Guys Book Update

I've decided to publish Dating for Shy Guys myself as an ebook in order to maintain my most exacting standards of quality control and as a means of taking a personal stand against the ravaging of the environment caused by the printing industry.

Also, that way I get to keep all the money.

Look for more information over the next month or two.

Comedy Entrance Exam (Opener's Edition) - Question 47: Spot The Idiot

Another comic and I were joking/complaining that there should be an written entrance exam aspiring comedians should be required to write before taking on a paid gig.

Here's my contribution, a completely hypothetical situation that has NEVER HAPPENED TO ME PERSONALLY AT LEAST THREE TIMES.

Question 47: Spot the Idiot In The Following Conversation.

OPENER: (an hour before the show) This is a great set-up, but you know, we've run into sound issues in the past, so it would make me feel a lot more comfortable if I checked the mic and sound myself before the show starts.
GUY RUNNNING THE SHOW: Oh, the sound system is great, little buddy. Don't be so nervous and have a drink.
OPENER: (shrugs and drops the subject)

Spot the Idiot.

(HINT: There are two of them)

Hot Chicks & Strangers

I have a couple articles I finished for Suicide Girls some time ago, but never published.

Topics are:

1. First Dates
2. Non-Monogamous Relationships

I'm going to be posting them on my Hot Chicks & Strangers blog over the next couple days.

Enjoy.

Things Dan Loves About Comedy #2995: Comics Amusing Themselves During A Bad Show

Amateur night at a local comedy club. The audience is...less than responsive. To anyone.

The person hit hardest by this is the MC. The other comics do their five minute and are out of there. He has to go back up after each act and stare unblinkingly into the cannon barrels of apathy.

I was not scheduled on the show tonight. I was standing backstage offering support--and by "showing support," I mean, "hoping someone didn't show up so I could go on." At some point during my career, I decided the badness or goodness of the crowd is none of my business. The only thing I care about is getting up there and doing the best job I can.

Ryan Ash was the MC on this night, and he was not having a good time.

RYAN: Man, I so do not want to go back up there.
DAN: You should let me go up after the next act wearing your shirt and see if they even notice.

So that's what we did.

They noticed...although it took them a couple seconds. They even laughed.

Then I tried telling a joke about the movie "Twilight", and they shifted peacefully and went back to sleep.

I brought the next act up and left the stage.

That would be a good place to end the story.

But as a wise man once said, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

After the next act Jon Ramcharan went up wearing Ash's shirt to tell his own "Twilight" joke.

Jon is black; Ryan is white.

The crowd didn't give a shit.

Finally, Ryan went up again...not wearing a shirt at all.

The crowd still didn't react, but at that point we were just amusing ourselves anyways.

Good times. And I'm impressed by Ryan Ash's chest hair, which is nearly as expansive as mine. Whether it is as luxurious and sable-soft as mine is something I'll never know.


Upcoming Comedy
Thursday, December 17 - PRIVATE FUNCTION, Evansburg
Monday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling Appearances
Saturday, January 23 - OSCW New Year's Glory, Hazeldean Dome, Edmonton

Not The End, Not The Beginning Of The End, But The End Of The Beginning

Bastet and I are no longer romantically involved. Heartache is an annual Dan Brodribb Christmas tradition it seems.

As was the case last year, I’m hurt and sad, but not as sad or hurt as I THINK I should be given the circumstances. I can’t decide if it’s denial, equanimity, or that I just don’t have the capacity to be as bothered by relationship-stuff as most people. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I put so much thought and effort into romantic relationships is to convince myself I actually want one…or at least get enough practice in that when the time is right, I can do it without screwing it up.

But that’s not entirely true either.

Because--at this moment, at least--I am still love in with Bastet. Which is doubly frustrating because I’m convinced that if I wasn’t in love with her, she would be my perfect relationship.

But that’s how Being In Love works for me. It makes me behave in ways I wouldn’t normally behave. It makes me want things I wouldn’t expect from other people. It makes me put on the other person. It makes me put pressure on myself.

On the flip side, it’s also kind of fun. It’s cool at parties and has a way of convincing you to attempt things you never dreamed possible…with surprising and delightful results.

But for me personally, I feel a distinction between loving someone and being in love with them.

Loving comes from your core. It’s something that isn’t quite thought, isn’t quite emotion, isn’t quite behaviour. It’s the place inside you where all those things meet and combine to form something stronger and wiser and more honest than the sum of its parts. Loving means making the decision to listen to that part of yourself even at times you don‘t particularly feel like it.

Being in love is different.

I don’t trust being in love. Being in love is something that happens to you. It makes you compromise values you normally wouldn’t. It comes on you at inconvenient times with inconvenient people. And it has a way of slipping out the back door when nobody’s looking, often at the times when you most need it.

Worse, Being In Love isn’t very loving. Right now, for example, the part of me that is In Love with Bastet feels like it has failed. It’s hurt and scared and angry and humiliated. And it doesn’t understand why the rest of me isn’t hurt and scared and angry and humiliated too.

So it’s pulling good memories from the past and parading them before my eyes: Look at what you had and screwed up! It’s searching for mistakes like a crime scene detective scouring carpet fibers. It’s screaming about injustice like a tabloid reporter. It’s showing me all the ways I fell short and haranguing me about what I should have done differently. It’s dredging up every fear and insecurity. At the same time it’s pointing out every flaw real or imagined it can find in Bastet, looking for reasons to be resentful or jealous or self-righteous.

It’s hitting me in all the places that hurt the most , asking me what my friends will think of me and what her friends will thinki of me, showing me imaginary slides of Bastet happy without me, having sex, falling in love. It’s connecting the dots between this and every other relationship, drawing me a picture of myself under the caption: The Guy Who Can’t Make Her Happy. It's coming up with clever, legitimate sounding reasons for me to call her and tell her That One Important Thing You Forgot To Mention.

As far as upsetting me goes, it’s doing a pretty good job.

But I’m not bothered by being upset and that’s what makes the In Love part angriest of all. Why aren’t you mad? Look at what she’s done to us! Look at what we’ve done to ourselves!

And here is my answer:

I’m not upset because I love her. I chose to love her and I choose to keep loving her. I also choose to keep loving myself.

Written down it doesn’t look like much. The In Love part of me doesn’t understand.

I don’t blame it. I don’t completely understand it myself.

Loving won‘t fix anything. It won‘t change an situation we both knew was unworkable. It doesn’t clear my confusion or lessen the heartache. It doesn’t make me a better person. It won’t change what she feels. Most of all, it won’t answer any of the questions that the In Love part keeps screaming at me.

But in my own way, I am at peace.

Because I can love.

I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what I’m feeling from moment to moment. I don’t know what will happen. But I don’t need to know those things. Love is stronger and wiser and more truthful than I am. All I need to do is to remember in each moment-even this one, which quite frankly, isn't one of my favorites as far as moments go--to make that decision to keep loving.

The In Love part of me can yell and scream all it wants, but I know now that it is lying to me. It isn't "in love." It doesn’t care about love at all. It claims to love Bastet, but it doesn’t give a shit about her or what is best for her. It doesn't even like ME all that much. All it cares about is feeling like it has won. And if it can’t have that, it will lash out, trying to make others or other parts of me hurt like it hurts in order to feel less powerless and alone.

Truthfully, it's not doing a half-bad job. I'd give it a solid B-minus. But I've suffered worse things.

And now I know how to love. Bastet opened a door in me I didn’t know was there. Somehow I found the courage to walk through it even not knowing what awaited on the other side.

I wish I could repay her. I wonder if she grew as much from me as I did from her. I hope somehow she got something she needed from me. But that's just one more thing I can never know, and ultimately, doesn't matter.

What Bastet gained from our time together is up to her. I have no control over it, and furthermore, it's not really my business.

Right now myself is my business.

So I make the decision keep loving. Not just Bastet. Not just myself.

But I also choose to love that In Love part of myself. I can’t fix it. I can’t make its pain go away. I couldn’t get rid of it if I wanted.

But I can love it.

So instead of pushing it away, each moment that it wakes screaming in me like a terminal patient or a child gripped by a nightmare, I sit quietly at bedside, take its hand, and wait for morning.

Dan Uses Sports Cliches To Describe A Chance Meeting With A Beautiful Stranger

I had said my goodbyes to the pretty stranger in the LRT station and was on my way up the escalator when it hit me:

CRAP! SHE WAS HITTING ON ME!!

And I didn't even realize it. I missed a lay-up. Dropped the ball uncovered in the endzone. Fanned on the open net. Insert your sports metaphor here (*).

That didn't used to happen...at least not over the past few years. I don't have VH1 caliber game, but over the last few years I've done far better with women than you would think I should.

A lot of guys say you need to be tall, rich, good looking, and gregarious to be succesful with women. I am none of those things, and to be honest, I think it helps me.

Firstly, it screens out a lot of people I would be incompatible with anyways and makes it easier for me to get to know someone. When a person is rich and good-looking, it's easy to get "distracted by the pretty." It makes it harder to be yourself, either because you're nervous or because you want to impress them. It also makes it harder to pay attention to dealbreakers because well...They're rich and good-looking, damnit! I have to MAKE myself like him. Or at least make HIM like me.

Another thing I've noticed is that in general, the more people get to know me, the more they like me. I would much rather women have that experience than the alternative. Plus psychology tests have revealed that when someone is good-looking, we tend to assign them have postive traits that they don't necessarily possess. We assume they are smarter or braver or more competent than they might actually be...and there's nothing more disappointing that something that doesn't live up to our expectiations. A lot of times--through no fault of their own--those good-looking people have nowhere to go but down.

Suffice it to say, that is not an issue I deal with in the romantic arena.

With me, instead of disappointment, women often report a sense of discovery. "Wow, I wasn't sure about you until I saw the way you X, Y, or Z." I like hearing that. It appeals to my sense of fairness...I feel I've earned what they gave me.

HOWEVER...

It also means I can't and don't expect women to be throwing themselves at me. Quite frankly, I would really love for this to happen. Not forever. But just for, say, four months. I just want to know what it feels like.

Except that every once in a while--like this morning--a woman DOES throw herself at me. And because I'm not used to it, I don't recognize it.

And then I drop the ball. Or bobble the serve. Or miss the big elbow (**). Whatever.

Don't misunderstand me. The Pretty Stranger isn't the point of this story. I'm not necessarily looking for another relationship.

It's just embarassing when something I've always wanted to happen to me does, but I'm so busy believing it can never happen to me that I don't even notice it.

Oh well. I just need to manage the clock better...buckle down and give 110%...we've got a great bunch of guys here and we're focused on winning...it's all about playing a full three periods/four quarters/sixty minutes...

(*) Did you know the average man uses 10 000 words a day? 7 500 of them are sports-metaphor related. If you don't see it, you're just not keeping your eye on the ball.

(**) In honor of the upcoming OSCW show this Saturday at Hazeldean Community Hall, I've written a new article for my sporadically updated wrestling blog. It will be up later today...or possibly already, depending on when you read this.


Upcoming Comedy
Thursday, December 17 - PRIVATE FUNCTION, Evansburg
Monday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling Appearances
Saturday, December 12 - OSCW Above The Rest, Hazeldean Dome, Edmonton

Nice Article

I ran across this article a couple minutes ago. It's about salsa dancing, but the more I think about it, the more I think it applies to nearly EVERYTHING worth learning from martial arts to meditation to relationships to comedy and beyond.

I am amazed at people who don't think they have to practice something to be succesful at it.

I am also amazed there are people who don't find joy in practicing. They think it's the boring stuff you have to get out of the way (or avoid) in order to get to the fun stuff).

To me, the practice IS the fun stuff.

No More Suicide Girls

Suicide Girls and I have grown in different directions. I'm still pondering those darn relationships over on my Hot Chicks and Strangers blog.

I feel as though I'm at a crossroads with my writing. The places that want to pay me aren't interested in the things I want to write about and the subjects I'm passionate about writing on, few people are willing to pay me for.

It's not ALL about the Benjamins, but I like feeling like the things I write are worth something. I work hard at it, and I think I have valuable things to say.

It pains me to admit this, but I've been feeling uncertain the past little while. I know who I am. I know who I want to be.

But the path that will take me there is less clear.

I'm not used to feeling uncertain. It's uncomfortable.

But it also feels like the right feeling right now. So I shall embrace it like we embrace certain relatives. Grateful for it, happy to see it, but also keeping an eye on the clock.

After all, I have things to do.


Upcoming Comedy
Saturday, November 28 - PRIVATE FUNCTION, Grande Prairie
Wednesday, December 9 - The Laugh Shop, Edmonton
Thursday, December 17 - PRIVATE FUNCTION, Evansburg
Monday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling Appearances
Saturday, December 12 - OSCW Above The Rest, Hazeldean Dome, Edmonton

Dan On Video

Video promoting the next OSCW show is here. It's December 12 at the Hazeldean dome.

I also have a YouTube video up of a recent set. Because it's shot from a different angle and a different spot in the club in front of a different crowd, it's hard to compare it to this first video shot back in February and see if there's been any growth.

But that's comedy. You never get the same show twice.

So feel free to come watch and see what you get.

Upcoming shows are:

Saturday, November 28 - PRIVATE FUNCTION, Grande Prairie
Wednesday, December 9 - The Laugh Shop, Edmonton
Thursday, December 17 - PRIVATE FUNCTION, Evansburg
Monday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling Appearances
Saturday, December 12 - OSCW Above The Rest, Hazeldean Dome, Edmonton


I've never particularly enjoyed watching myself on video. I spent half the time staring at myself going 'do I always hold my right hand like that?'

According to Bastet, I do.

Off to Grande Prairie. The road is always fun. You never know what to expect. Sometimes it's Hot Chicks and Glory. Other times it's nearly running out of gas and freezing to death along a stretch of deserted highway.

Eitehr way the stories--and the memories--are great.

Dogs Dogs Dogs

Bastet is house-sitting for a few months.

They have dogs.

As her pseudonym might suggest, Bastet is NOT a dog person. During the first few days, she even referred to one of the animals as "Kitten," hoping it would start acting like one.

No luck.

They are now "Dog A" and "Dog B." Dog A is whichever one happens to be closest to her at the moment.

I've been helping out where I can, although I have to admit, I love dogs like I love children--other people's are great, but taking responsibility for one of my own is a little too much for me.

I spent all last night dreaming of dogs. Not the Slayer's quiet, comforting dog either (although The Slayer WAS in it). Dogs in my apartment. Dogs outside.

Big dog. Little dogs. Weirdly misshapen dogs with oversized heads and tiny bodies. Dogs with owners. Dogs with notes on their collar that I couldn't read (Because you can't read in dreams, doncha know) but that I knew were things like "We've moved. If you find this dog, please take care of it."

Dogs everywhere, and somehow I was supposed to look after all of them.

Doing a show in Grande Prairie this weekend.

I never thought I'd say this, but I think it will be good for my health to get on the road.

Saturday, November 28 - Grande Prairie
Wednesday, December 9 - The Laugh Shop, Edmonton
Monday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling Appearances
Saturday, December 12 - OSCW Above The Rest, Hazeldean Dome, Edmonton

Comedy Updates

Saturday, November 28 - Grande Prairie
Wednesday, December 9 - The Laugh Shop, Edmonton
Monday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

I also perform most Sundays at The Druid in Edmonton. Shows start at 9 O'clock. If you're interesting in TRYING stand-up comedy, it's a great place to get your feet wet.

Dan Vs. The Witch From Stardust

It's occurred to me that I spend more time talking about the OSCW wrestling after-parties than I do the actual shows...which probably isn't great promotion work

So here's the run down.

The show was great. Eclipse is the new OSCW champion after defeating Heavy Metal. Brady Roberts made his triumphant return. Barricade--well, he didn't WIN his match--but he's in the record books as "not losing" which is forward progress, I suppose.

Also, Big Jess accidentally pinned a referee and threw up under the ring.

Next show is December 12. I actually have tickets this time, so you can buy them from me.

In comedy news, it was a good weekend. I did a spot at the Comic Strip that was filmed. I was happy with the set, and if the quality is okay, I may shortly have a decent current clip of myself on YouTube. BUTCH BRADLEY is headlining there and he's a great comic in addition to having some hair-raising stories about his multiple tours entertaining troops in Iraq.

Say, did you know OSCW has after-parties?

As usual, many ridiculous things happened. We sang a lot, I salsa-danced with the promoter's significant other and had my shirt ripped open by a woman I hadn't met, and 'The Athlete' Alexander Hale and I were hit on by a rather interesting woman, which lead to me saying words that I've heard 93 235 935 times in bar pick-ups but have never actually uttered myself until that night.

This woman looked like a cross between Miss Hannigan in Annie, and the mummy. She was weathered by time and despair, extremely drunk, and terrifyingly sexually aggressive.

She slinked up to me as I was finishing my song and without saying anything, stood inches away from me, raking her gaze--which blazed with naked hunger--up and down my body.

To which I replied classily: "Lady, you're scaring me."

(Big Jess overheard this exchange and burst out laughing. I think he thought I was joking or teasing her. Naturally, I encouraged this interpretation in order to maintain my dignity in front of the guys, but I really was scared. It felt like coming face to face with one of the witches from Neil Gaiman's Stardust)

She then pulled the same move on Alexander Hale. Hale is over six feet tall and 200 pounds of twenty-something main event muscle. This man broke his arm in two places and gutted out fifteen hours of agony before he was able to make it to the hospital.

Alexander Hale is a tough, tough man.

Yet in this moment, he had the wide-eyed, pale expression of a four-year old who has just discovered the Boogeyman is real after his babysitter accidentally left the closet door open when putting him to bed.

And that's when I said the words. They're words I've heard in every awkward bar pick-up situation I've ever seen. I've heard them said to strangers, friends, and even had them said to me. But I've never heard them said by a male. Certainly I never believed I would say them.

But I did. I opened my mouth, straightened my spine, looked that woman assertively in the eye and said...

"I have to go to the bathroom now."

And Hale, without a second's hesitation, said: "I'll come with you."

I didn't actually grab his hand and pull him away like a nineteen-year-old girl saving her friend in a nightclub, but I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't flash across my mind.

(There's a post-script to this story. While the woman was singing her song, "Cold As Ice" William Saint, who is supposed to be OSCW's heartless, vicious, sadistic villain went up and presented her with a rose. And when she attempted to make out with him, he deflected her with grace and good-humour, citing loyalty to his wife. So in the end, the good guys hid in the bathroom while the bad guy made some lonely woman's night. There's a moral here somewhere.)

Open Letter To Evil Criminal Overlords

Dear Sir/Madam/Creature Beyond Human Comprehension:

I have been noticing an alarming decline in the quality of the minions conducting the Business of Evil's day-to-day activities. I would like to remind you that a minion's failure is NOT the minion's fault. It is YOUR fault for not providing them the foundation they need in order to serve succesfully as expendable cogs in your master plan.

Remember, first contact with your organization typically starts with your minions. They are the public face of your organization. As such, they should be well-trained, professional, and properly groomed at all times. Uniforms should be in good repair. There should be no in-fighting or profanity in public, especially when on-duty or around children and families. When attacking they should do so in orderly fashion.

Your minions are a reflection of your character. Please treat them as such.

Sincerely,

Dan Brodribb

Things That Make Dan's Head Explode

(This is a repost from my Hot Chicks & Strangers blog)

Read a post on a message board the other day about a guy who complains that women he hits on in bars rarely call him back. Then later on in the post he referred to women who go home with guys after meeting them at a bar "whores and fucked up."

That kind of shit makes my head explode.

First of all, there's the judgment.

Second of all, there's the weird madonna/whore psychology going on there.

Third of all, there's the fact that--oh I don't know--HE IS HITTING ON THEM.

If you really, truly, sincerely believe these women are whores and fuck-ups, WHY ARE YOU LOWERING YOURSELF TO HITTING ON THEM? It says your standards are either a) low or b) not something you are able to uphold. Neither of those qualities are panty-wettingly attractive.

Fourth of all, there's the fact that HE is hitting on them and then judging THEM when they do exactly what it is he's trying to get them to do in the first place.

Let's turn it over to the Hot Chicks & Strangers Cheer Team:

Gimme a W
Gimme a T
Gimme a F
Gimme a ?

That is the weirdest combination of counterproductive, hypocrital, and psychologically fucked-up I've heard of in some time.

If I were a woman, I wouldn't call him back either.

Conan The Bodhisattva: Film Studies With Dan

I like quotes from movies. Reservoir Dogs. Big Trouble in Little China. Tommy Boy. In an old Edmonton Journal column I once posited--inconceivable as it may seem--that the greatest pick-up lines in the world are lines from The Princess Bride.

Wrestler One (*) and I often amuse ourselves by quoting Transformers: The Animated Movie back and forth at each other. I've never met anyone else who knows it that well. My favorite line is one I use whenever someone ignores my helpful advice. In my best Orson Welles as Unicron voice I say. "Very well. Proceed on your way to oblivion."

Maybe I'm getting too into Buddhism but, I was watching Conan the Barbarian recently and something occurred to me.

As an action movie, Conan is plodding and slow. As a story...it isn't one. It's just a collection of scenes held together by the loosest of thru-lines.

But as a meditation piece, it's awesome (**). Where the Buddha talked about the suffering and the end of suffering, Conan asks the question "What is best in life?"

Every character in the movie seems to take a stab (sometimes literally) at that question. What can one believe in? Love? Revenge? Money? Power? Faith? Technology? Enemy-crushing and the resulting female lamentations? Every person in the movie is driven by their own answer to that question...as is their ultmate fate.

Think about it. The film opens with Conan's father giving his answer:

"The secret of steel has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its riddle, Conan. You must learn its discipline. For no one - no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts.
[Points to sword] This you can trust. "

It's a convincing and poetic speech, and only slightly undermined by the fact that less than ten minutes Conan Sr. delivers it, he is eaten by wolves.

So much for trusting the sword.

That's okay. Conan may not have his father, but there is no force stronger than a mother's love...oh, wait. She just got her head chopped off by the guy who plays Eric Roberts' taekwon-do coach in Best of the Best.

It sounds crazy, but I'm sure I'm right about this. Everyone from the gladiators to Thulsa Doom to Subotai to the dead skeleton king put their faith in something. And where did it get them?

Watch the movie to find out.

So what's the answer? According to the movie, what is best in life?

I don't actually know. I got bored and stopped watching. If I wanted to meditate, I would have fucking meditated. This is supposed to be a damn action movie.

But one quote stayed with me. I don't know why, but the old king said something that kept me up thinking for a long, long while:

"There comes a time, thief, when the jewels cease to sparkle, when the gold loses its luster, when the throne room becomes a prison, and all that is left is a father's love for his child."

I'm not a father. Partly because of circumstance, party because I decided seeking fame and fortune was more important to me.

Yikes.

Now I really HAVE to make it as a famous salsa-dancing, Buddhist, comedian/relationship writer.

After all, if my throne room becomes a prison, then I want to be able to afford a sweet stereo system for it.


(*)Who competes in OSCW, next show November 21 at the Hazeldean Dome, getchur' tickets NOW

(**) Granted, my views on movies are a little skewed. I still believe that the Nightmare on Elm Street series is not really about a dream-stalking monster but about parenthood and the generation gap--going full circle when Nancy, the daughter in the first film, becomes the mother in the New Nightmare. Except for the second one. That one was about being gay.

Never Cry Swine Illustrated

Read the post for context.

Never Cry Swine

Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, November 4 - The Laugh Shop, Edmonton
Monday, November 9 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling
Saturday, November 21 - OSCW Principals of Destruction, Hazeldean Community Hall - Edmonton

Writing
Dan Brodribb writes on dating and relationships for the Suicide Girls website. Current article is here.

My sweetie has been ill with the swine flu.

It sucks watching someone you care about suffer because there is only so much you can do. In my case, I have been reading to her. Of course, the book I've chosen--Eat Pray Love--is one I've wanted her to read for a long time. Naturally, I'm seizing the opportunity to force feed it to her.

There's no audience like a captive audience.

There's also no sweetie like my sweetie. The flu has given her chills so she's spent the last couple days wearing the giant, furry wolf costume her friend wore for Halloween.

She is the cutest wolf ever.

It's kind of weird coming upstairs to see a giant wolf laying sick and forlorn on the bed though. All she was missing was a caption beneath her:

Swine Flu--The Three Little Pigs' Revenge.

Or possibly it should have been a picture sent with a note formed with letters cut out of the newspaper:

"Dear Mr. Wolf,

You aren't the only person who can play dress up.

And wolves have grandmothers too.

Sincerely,

Red Riding Hood"

The H1N1 outbreak has also instigated a round of one of my pet peeves--people refusing to acknowledge their mistakes.

It drives me crazy when figures both public and otherwise either a) refuse to admit fault or b) issue these mealy-mouthed non-apologies. I suppose there are legal reasons for it, but I still get annoyed.

Is making a mistake that bad? Seriously, we've never had anything like this H1N1 thing before. There's nothing wrong with admitting you were not fully prepared or miscalculated how things would play out. Instead they refuse to acknowledge any problems whatsoever.

It isn't just him though. I've met people who refuse to admit they're wrong, even when they clearly are.

Even more frustrating, I've had people tell me that I shouldn't ever admit to being wrong or making a mistake, that it's a sign of weakness or lack of confidence.

I don't buy it. I've always believe truly self-assured people aren't afraid to admit when they mishandled things. I tend to respect and trust a person who acknowledges failure more than someone who doesn't.

And I think a lot of us would in a better place if we focused a little less on LOOKING confident and a little more on BEING confident.

Dance Like A Conductor

I suppose this is as good a time as any to talk about salsa dancing.

I don't think I've said much about it on this blog. What can you say really about something you like? With wrestling and comedy, I often talk about what I appreciate ABOUT it in an attempt to share why I like it.

But there's a difference between appreciating something and liking it. The former is something that you can express; the latter...forget about it.

So yeah, I like dancing.

I also find it frustrating. For the most part, I take mistakes in stride. I've learned enough new things in my life to realize any skill worth developing takes time and that if you put that time in, the results will come. As I used to tell my peers in martial arts so many years ago: "Tenacity trumps talent."

But one aspect of salsa dancing I take personally, and that's leading.

I'm not bothered by my footwork or timing being off--although as a former musician, you think I should be bothered by it. But a failure to lead properly really hits me hard.

Maybe it's because if I screw up a lead, it's my partner that looks bad.

Maybe it's because I've never really been comfortable leading in any other area of my life either. I can be assertive when I need to be, but my 'need' bar is set lower than many. It shouldn't bother me, but I do get sensitive about it in my less-confident moments.

So when I lead a move wrong when I dance, instead of just being a mistake, it's just another piece of evidence of how hopeless I am at taking charge or going after what I want.

I was talking me to Bastet about this, and she shared this link with me.

And something about it hit me really hard.

It helped me realize what I want to do when I lead, and knowing what you want to accomplish is a pretty good first step to getting there. Some might even say it's the ONLY step.

I'm sure I've mentioned in this space about how I want to "do comedy like a wrestler."

After seeing that clip, I know how I want to lead.

New Suicide Girls Article Up

It's on the bar scene. In fact, it was inspired by a post on this very blog some months ago.

You can read the article here.

The Absence of No

(This is a repost from one of my other blogs Hot Chicks & Strangers, where I often riff on dating issues in preparation for turning them into more polished articles. I'm posting it here, because I'm actively soliciting people's opinions on the issue and this seems to be the blog that hits the broadest demographic)

There's an idea a lot of folks in the dating advice biz(including myself sometimes)encourage, especially when we're dealing with the male side of the equation and even more especially when dealing with shyer, less confident males.

When it comes to approaching women, asking for phone numbers, or even "physcial escalation" (a euphemism for everything from hand-holding to kissing to...um...well, you know, THAT), we often encourage guys to err on the side of assertiveness. Better to be too aggressive, we tell than not aggressive enough.

A lot of guys are uncomfortable asking women out or making moves on them. One of the things we try and reinforce is that it is okay to be attracted to someone. It is not bad to strike up a conversation with a stranger and ask for her phone number. You are not a bad person for wanting sex.

We also try to educate them to the fact that women, for the most part, are not going to be mean to you or embarass you for talking to them. In fact, many women enjoy meeting attractive guys. To paraphrase Hitch, "No woman wakes up in the morning thinking, 'I sure hope I don't get swept off my feet by some awesome guy today."

However, some men--some of whom sadly enough are giving advice to other men--take it too far. According to them, "anything that is not a 'no' is a 'yes.'"

And that's simply not true.

The party line to support this argument goes something like this:

1 - Women like sex.
2 - Society punishes women for having sex.
3 - Therefore, any resistance a woman has to sex that isn't an outright 'no' is just societal programming.

In other words, she wants it, but she doesn't want to feel like a slut. By not forcing her to give us an explicit 'yes', we're leaving her the 'it just happened' defence.

And you know what? Sometimes that's exactly true. But using it as an across-the-board argument for steamrolling ahead in the absence of any explicit resistance... That makes me nervous.

I am friends with many women. I have heard a lot more stories about women having sex when they didn't really want to than times when they wanted sex and didn't get it.

Why would a woman have sex when she doesn't want to, you might ask? And if she didn't want to have sex, why wouldn't she resist or say something?

Believe it or not, there are reasons. Maybe she was worried about her physical safety. Maybe she was impaired. Maybe she DID say no and the guy didn't hear it or recognize the signal.

And then there's that whole social pressure thing. While it's true that society isn't always the most encouraging about women having sex. But there are also times when there is an equally strong social pressure on a woman to have sex even when she doesn't want to.

Most of all, I'm uncomfortable with anyone presuming to know what someone else "really" wants. When people do it to me, it pisses me right off. Not only that--even if you have good intentions, it's a dangerous attitude, whether the subject is sex, religion, money, power, or anything else.

I'm not against well-meaning guys approaching women and screwing it up. It sucks to be on the receiving end of these graceless attempts and I wish women didn't have to go through it, but I just don't know any other way for guys to learn but making mistakes.

Most of the women I know have dealt with worse problems than an awkward conversation at a bus stop. If it eases the sting, think of it as a compliment that the guy was interested or as a public service to other women--you're helping a guy learn so he's maybe a little more poised with the next woman he meets.

It's when guys don't take no for an answer--or don't recognize the signals of the 'unspoken no' that things turn scary. And when you bring sex into the equation and all of its potential physical and emotional consequences...not recognizing someone's comfort levels can have some pretty dire consequences.

The absence of no is not a yes. Moreover, deep down, I think we all know this. Telling lies to the contrary--to women, to less-experienced guys, and to ourselves--is a dangerous path to tread.

Scene From A Relationship: As You Wish

Dan and Bastet are concluding a rather tumutuous state-of-the-union discussion re: their relationship

DAN: Well, if you want to break up, I just want to make things as clean and easy for you as possible.
BASTET: I don't want breaking up with you to be clean and easy. I want it to be slow and lingering and painful.

A moment passes as Dan is bewildered into silence. Finally...

DAN: That also can be arranged.

Throw me down a hill and call me Westley.

Upcoming Comedy

Wednesday, November 28 - The Laugh Shop, Edmonton
Monday, November 9 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

I'll be MCing the 9th show, which is very exciting. The MC spot is the most challenging spot on a show, but also the most creatively rewarding.

Sometimes you even get people saying, "You're pretty funny too. Maybe YOU should try being a comedian."

I'll keep that in mind.

WIshing You The Best In All Your Future Endeavours (Joke Training Camp)

Guest spots are joke training camp.

For those of you who don't know, a guest spot is when a comedian makes a brief five to seven minute appearance early on a show. For me a guest spot is the best time to work new material since it's a) a short set and b) early in the show so there's little chance of derailing the whole night if you bomb.

If I do a five to seven minute spot and I'm NOT doing working on fresh material, I feel I'm cheating myself and I'm cheating those jokes.

Sadly, just like in training camp, sometimes I'm forced to make cuts. Sometimes it's obvious which jokes aren't ready for the big leagues. Other times, a joke shows flashes of brilliance, but just isn't consistent.

In such cases, the decision is a lot tougher? Does it just need more stage time to grow? Or is this as good as it will ever get?

It's tough to cut some of those jokes. Many are hard workers, show a lot of heart, and the raw potential is there. They just aren't getting it done. Maybe it's a chemistry thing. Maybe the joke just needs a little work on its fundamentals before it's ready for another shot.

The toughest part though, is sometimes I feel the fault is mine. Maybe I didn't perform the joke well enough. Maybe I didn't put it in a position to succeed. Maybe I'm a bad joke coach/GM.

Such is life.

Thanks for coming out jokes. Those of you that made the roster, you'll see your name on the list posted outside the dressing room door. The rest of you...

...well, like I said, thanks for coming out. Wish there was room for all of you, but you know how it is. Cap space and all that. You've got a lot of grit, kid.

Better luck next year.

New Dating Article Up

New article up. It's on the Progressive Buddhism blog and it's about how Buddhist training can help you with dating.

Read it here.

Slices Of Dan's Life and A Couple Of Links

SLICE # 1

I wanted to write an extended blog post about the OSCW afterparty on Saturday which included drinking, dancing, women, overloaded vehicles, missing wrestlers, Transformers: the Animated Movie quotes, getting pictures taken with random drunk strangers, and the most unconvincing declaration of fidelity ever(*).

Too much happened. You'll have to settle for this moment, which was representative of the evening.

A bunch of the wrestlers and I are wedged in one of the Sanchez brothers' car following Boris' vehicle to our next destination. I unwisely have my backpack with me instead of in the trunk and it is wedged under my chin and into the side of Mentallo's face.

MENTALLO: What's in that thing anyway that you need it with you--the fifteen thousand dollars from the Big John Studd Bodyslam Challenge?
BORIS: Hey, if I'm in here with you guys, who the F*** is driving my car?

SLICE #2

I am giving Bastet a backrub.

BASTET: You know you've gotten a lot better at giving back rubs over the past few months. Have you been practicing?

Dan's brain immediately flashes back to being locked in a community hall bathroom rubbing fake tan lotion on Heavy Metal's back at the past few OSCW shows.

DAN'S BRAIN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAN: I don't know, sweetie. It must be just because of how much I love you.

I'm performing comedy at the Rouge Lounge tonight on Jasper Avenue in Edmonton. If you have the night free, come on down.

OTHER LINKS:

For those of you interested in women's issues, here are a couple links I posted on my Facebook page today. One is from Poetry of Flesh on why she isn't a feminist. The second one is on why women have a hard time trusting men.


(*) "Overall, I've been pretty faithful to my wife." Put that on a 25th annivesary card, Hallmark.

Horse First, Cart Second (The Dan-ist Conspiracy)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Miss Mercedes, Male Privilege & Today's Question

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Blogs, Breasts & Bodyslams

OSCW Thriller is this Saturday. 5$ of each ticket sold is going to breast cancer. So come out and show some support. The main event is a triple-threat match between Eclipse, "The Athlete" Alexander Hale, and "Cold as Ice (*)" William Saint.

Shoot me an email for ticket info or else pick them up at the door on the day of the show, which starts at 7pm sharp at Hazeldean Community Hall (9630-66 Ave) in Edmonton

I'll be assisting with meditation instruction this week at the Strathcona Library. I will be talking about Precepts. Which means I have to give some thought as to what I'm talking about it.

So I did what I always do when I need to work out ideas about something--I started a blog.

So now, in addition to my scandalously irregularly updated blogs about relationships, wrestling, comedy, and umm...psychotherapy for 80s toy robots (I'm embarrassed about that one), I now have a blog exploring Buddhism.

It's called the Compassionate Degenerate, and you can find it here.

See you at the show Monday, everybody. Have an awesome Thanksgiving.


UPCOMING EVENTS

COMEDY
Monday, October 12 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, October 21 - Rouge Lounge, Edmonton

WRESTLING
Saturday, October 17 - OSCW Thriller, Hazeldean Community Hall, Edmonton

MEDITATION INSTRUCTION (I'll only be helping)
Saturday, October 17 - Strathcona Public Libary, Edmonton (10AM)

WRITING
Dan Brodribb's Geek Love appears every two weeks at suicidegirls.com. Latest article is here.

(*) And no, he doesn't use Foreigner as his entrance music. But he should.

The Big Issues

Misty Christine is great. She always writes quirky articles.

Also, she quoted me.

Check it out here.

Reasons I Love Comedy (# 13352)

"I kind of like bad shows. Because all of us have done lots of good shows and we never remember them. But when you're part of something truly awful...that's a show people will remember and be talking about for years."

-Andrew Iwanyk

Fear Of Loss - 1 Dan - 0

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

New Suicide Girls Article Up

It's about How to Ask Good Questions. It's one of those skills that seems simple, but with a little refinement, comes in handy when making connections with people.

You'll find the article here.

Tribes

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Good Decision/Bad Decision

I sometimes feel sorry for people who drive.

Walking home from the gig last night, I came across a church in Calgary called St. Mary's...which looked gorgeous under the moon. I never would have seen it had I not walked the 80 blocks from the show to the hotel.

I also would not have had the walk-in-the-dark-with-no-sidewalk-into-oncoming-traffic-on-a-six-lane-street experience, but a quick fence hop later, and things were fine. Except I was in a graveyard. No zombies, sadly.

I also seem to have a nose for finding comedy gigs. Partway into my walk to the Broken CIty show, I found the Comedy Cave two blocks from my hotel (doh!). On the way back, I came across the Elbow River Casino which hosts a Yuk Yuks show.

Walking a place really helps you get to know it better. The only downside is overpasses and fatigue--which leads to bad decisions.

It's been a busy weekend. I hosted a wrestling show Saturday, headed down to Calgary Sunday, did the show Monday, and have a conference presentation today. I DID miss Karaoke though--got back to the hotel too late.

I've learned over the weekend I have a game I like to play called Good Decision/Bad Decision. Basically what you do is you deliberately make choices that put you in a tough spot and then try and figure your way out in a way that minimizes the consequences.

The best part about the game is it's fun for people on both ends of the self-esteem spectrum because you can play the game as a way of building self-reliance or as a subtle form of self-sabotage.

Happy Playing!

Upcoming Comedy

Come to My shows...

UPCOMING COMEDY
Monday, September 28 - Broken City, Calgary
Tuesday, October 6 - New City, Edmonton
Monday, October 12 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

One of the problems with having a busy life is you don't get to write blog entries about how busy you are.

Then by the time you have time to sit down and write stuff out, it doesn't seem as exciting.

Ah, the existential angst of blogging.

The October New City Show theme is Time Travel. If you can do it, jump forward a week and let me know how it went.

New Suicide Girls Article

My latest Suicide Girls article is up. You can read it here. There are mysterious squares all over it, at least on my computer.

Head on over and solve the mystery.

In other news, this article is fantastic. Except for the fact that it's about baseball and I didn't write it. But it's funny and makes some great points.

An Editorial

A Facebook friend of mine posted this note. If you're too lazy to look (or not on Facebook), here's the short version: it's on marketing.

I found it kind of a downer.

This isn't a personal shot against the fellow who posted the note. I don't know if he personally subscribes to this mentality (He DOES refer to it as "Lies and Truth"). Heck, I don't even know if he wrote it himself or if he found it somewhere else and forgot to credit his source (Assuming a source could be found--not always such an easy thing on the internet, I've noticed).

Here's my problem with it.

All of the things in the note may be true. My beef is with the unspoken subtext: that success is measured by sales and popularity.

I have nothing against fortune and fame. I am allergic to many things, but you will find neither 'bling,' nor 'mad bitches' on that list. I would love to be rich. I would love to be famous (*).

HOWEVER...

I also think adopting sales or popularity as a benchmark for success is a great way to make yourself miserable. Because no matter how good your product, no matter how great your marketing plan, such things are largely out of your control. Yes, you can put yourself in the best possible position to succeed, but there are no guarantees.

To paraphrase something some editor said in a I once read book somewhere (**): "I can tell whether or not a book is good. I can't tell whether or not it will sell."

As I said, I don't have any moral objection to fame and fortune. I do have an objection to putting my sense of personal satisfaction in the hands of others.

Because you can't MAKE yourself commerically succesful. You can't MAKE yourself popular. That sort of status isn't something you can take. It's something other people give you for their own reasons in their own time.

As long as you are measuring yourself by outside standards, you are at the mercy of other people. You are tying your happiness to the mast to a ship that is not yours to captain.

Fuck that.

I know who I am. I know the standard I've set for myself, both as a performer and a human being. I know when I've done right and I know when I've fallen short whether there are 500 000 people watching, 15, or no one at all.

All things considered, I would rather have the 500 000. The more people I can reach, the better, especially if they're showering me with gifts, adoration, and cold hard cash. I want those things.

But I don't need them to tell me whether or not I'm successful. And neither, I suspect, does anybody else.

Because whether we want to admit it to ourselves or not, I think that is something that deep down, we already know.


(*) More precisely, I'd like to be famous for eight months, with an option to renew if I decided I liked it. But now we're splitting hairs.

(**) With that phrase, I officially give up my right to bitch about other people's lack of citations

Slow Ride

No exciting developments on the professional or interesting story front for a while. I DID however spend close to forty minutes yesterday imagining myself as the backup quarterback for an NFL team (I'm unspecific on which one because I haven't decided yet--New England would give me the most press, Green Bay is a sentimental favorite, but Atlanta apparently has a lot of attractive, educated women) who saves the day after the starter is injured.

Yep, clearly, NFL football season has started.

Time spent imagining the actual game: three minutes.

The rest was spent coming up with clever one-liners for post-game interviews.

Here's a sample:

INTERVIEWER: A storybook debut for you tonight on Monday Night Football, Dan. But what's your strategy next week against that tough Steelers defense?

DAN: I can't speak for my teammates, but I plan to call in sick. I'm thinking 'flu-like symptoms' or 'undisclosed lower body injury.'

INTERVIEWER & MILLIONS WATCHING AT HOME: Ha ha! This guy's great! Let's subscribe to his blog (In my fantasy I still have a blog. Although I have taken the liberty of making myself taller, younger, and more athletic, in every other respect, I am EXACTLY the same person and still have time to write and do comedy).

INTERVIEWER: Well, congratulations on your win.

DAN: Thank--cough, cough, sorry tickle in my throat--Thank you. (falls down clutching his leg) OWWW, MY GROIN!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to compose my Hall of Fame induction speech. It'll be better than Jordan's (*), that's for sure.

(*)On a side note, my favorite basketball player, John Stockton was also just inducted into the basketball hall-of-fame. I appreciated him because he was relentlessly hard-working, smart, made the people around him better, and socially awkward--not unlike your humble correspondent. He was ahead of the curve on booty shorts.

Rage Of The Runaway Bride

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, September 7 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling Appearances
Saturday, September 26 - OSCW, Hazeldean Community Hall - Edmonton
Saturday, October 17 - OSCW, Hazeldean Community Hall - Edmonton
Saturday, November 21 - OSCW, Hazeldean Community Hall - Edmonton

Dan Brodribb's Geek Love appears every two weeks at www.suicidegirls.com. Current article is here.

More of Dan's musings on dating and relationships can be found on his Hot Chicks & Strangers blog.

I spent most of Saturday moping.

It was neat.

I used to get those feelings all the time this combination of sourceless unease and vague angst, kind of a 'what-am-I-doing-with-my-life-I'll-never-achieve-my-dreams" ball in the stomach. It didn't feel as strong or as intimidating as it used to. It was more like seeing an old friend.

So I ate Fruit Loops, watched wrestling DVDs, meditated, checked out some music and got enough work done on my comedy, writing, upcoming presentation for the CIRS conference (See? I can do Grown-Up Work too!), and other odds and ends that I couldn't get too mad at myself.

But Saturday night, ahh, Saturday night...

It was the Night of the Rage of the Runaway Bride.

Have you ever see a woman in a gorgeous wedding dress storming alone down a downtown street clogged with drunk partiers, homeless people and club doormen amidst a backdrop of nighclubs, Donair shops, and Money Mart loan places? It's an incongruous sight.

Here's what happened:

I was standing in line outside a bar with a bachelorette party. The bachelorette party was in good spirits, talking tipsily about their upcoming celebrations when out of nowhere this woman in a very nice wedding dress storms past screaming into her cell phone: "YOU RUINED MY WEDDING!! YOU DESTROYED IT!!!"

GIRL AT BACHELORETTE PARTY: (to the bride-to-be): This is NOT a good omen.

The bachelorette party reacted to her plight with the sort of compassion and nurturing for which tipsy young women are famous...they waited until she was out of earshot and started making fun of her.

But all of them had a nervous look in their eyes as they did so, like pilots joking about plane crashes. You could see it in their eyes. "If we laugh at it, maybe it won't happen to us."

Meanwhile, I went after the bride, partly because this looked like the sort of situation that called for a dating expert/crisis line worker and partly because I REALLY wanted to know what was going on.

She was quite far ahead of me at that point, but fortunately, a group of people eating at an outdoor patio saw me rushing past, noticed my suitjacket, leaped to a wrong-but-helpful-for-me conclusion and yelled, "Hey are you looking for a bride?"

I was.

They directed me around the block. I sprinted around the corner after my blushing blog entry-to-be...and skidded to a halt like a cartoon character.

There in front of me was the whole tableau. It looked like a painting: Newlyweds in Watercolor. In center foreground was our bride screaming at a young man in a tuxedo for "Dancing with HER at my wedding!" In the background left, a quartet of young east Indian men, oblivious to what was going on and yelling drunkenly at each other in their native tongue, and--and this is what made the piece for me, folks--off to the right, sitting surreptitiously on the curb at a polite, but still-within-earshot-distance of the unhappy couple, a woman in a bridesmaid dress with a bouquet in her lap and a cell phone in her hand, furiously texting play-by-play updates of the goings on back to her friends.

That's when I noticed something.

I wasn't moping anymore.

------------

As a post-script to this story, I ran into the bridesmaid later that night and chatted with her for a bit. As we were talking, the newlyweds came by again, this time holding hands.

So the story had a happy ending after all.

Fire Drill At The Office Today

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Ex-ual Healing (Also:New Suicide Girls Column Up)

Latest Suicide Girls article is up. It's on leading, which means I'm anticipating a modicum of controversy in the comments section.

You will find it here.

In other news, I had the good fortune to run into an ex- of mine, Cat in the Hat Girl on the bus (*).

My favorite exchange was while we were talking about how the mind cannot always distinguish between reality and the internet. Cat in the Hat girl mentioned that they often use computer programs and visualizations to train athletes.

DAN: So by that logic XXXX must be a great swordsman from playing all that World of Warcraft.
CAT IN THE HAT GIRL: He's got saddle sores from riding his raptor.

I forgot how clever she is.

I've been lucky to reconnect with a couple exes recently. In addition to seeing Cat in the Hat Girl, The Slayer and I (and her little dog too--the reincarnation of some Tibetan Buddhist Advsior to the Dali Lama) are reconciling as friends, and I'm enjoying it. It's curious seeing both of them and my current girlfriend within short time span, because it's kind of surprising to see how much they have in common.

The thing with exes is, often when I think of them, I don't think of THEM so much as about what I learned or how I grew from the relationship.

I think this is sometimes a problem in ongoing relationships as well, at least some of mine. You and your partner get so got up feeding and watering and tending the Relationship it grows between you into such a enormous thing that you lose sight of each other. You get so caught up working to make The Relationship work, you forget to stop and and appreciate each other.

Seeing my exes brings them back into focus and I can appreciate them as people instead of as a story from my past. I remember the things I like about them and how cool they are. Cat in the Hat Girl's wit, her world-view, and her unique organizational system. The Slayer's way of treating people, courage, and general geekery. You get to see them again as people.

Which is nice.

Another nice thing was the show last night. I was more angry and aggressive on stage. I was able to express a different dimension of myself in front of a roomful of strangers, and they were not only okay with it, they actually liked it.

As the line in American Beauty goes, It's a good feeling knowing you can still surprise yourself.


Upcoming Wrestling Appearances
Saturday, September 26 - OSCW, Hazeldean Community Hall - Edmonton
Saturday, October 17 - OSCW, Hazeldean Community Hall - Edmonton
Saturday, November 21 - OSCW, Hazeldean Community Hall - Edmonton

Dan Brodribb's Geek Love appears every two weeks at www.suicidegirls.com. Current article is here.

More of Dan's musings on dating and relationships can be found on his Hot Chicks & Strangers blog.


(*) I know I've written at least three Journal articles about her, but I'm unsure if she ever made the blog. If you're that interested check in the December 2006-May 2007 range.

Dan Leaves Nookie On The Table

Saturday night, during a routine OSCW post-show triathlon (karaoke, drinking, and woman-charming), a couple of the wrestlers and I found ourselves in one of those uncomfortable two women and three-guys situations. The women invited us back to their van for some free candy, and I ended up the odd man out for the stupid, nitpicky reason that I have a girlfriend I'm madly in love with.

Which is kind of annoying. Granted, in most cases, having a girlfriend would disqualify me from sharing in any shenanigans but in this case I feel there were a couple of extenuating circumstances.

Circumstance One: Both the wrestlers were injured. There was no way they could manage a van orgy, what with one of then nursing a sore arm and the other with a knee that locked into position with every other movement. We in the wrestling business have certain standards to maintain.

Circumstance Two: One of the girls LIKED me.

You know how some people who grow up broke are obsessed with money or people who grew up hungry often have issues around food? I'm like that with women.

Because I was never popular with the ladies growing up, I developed a mental rule that could be best described as "take any woman who likes you whether you feel a connection with them or not."

Or as the voice in my head Puts It, 'Don't Leave Nookie On the Table.'

Tired? Not feeling the connection? Already seeing someone else? Too bad, the voice tells me (in case you're wondering, the voice sounds suspiciously like a well-known African-American stand-up comic). "There are nerds starving in Africa who would be happy with The Nookie. You can't waste The Nookie. You never know when The Nookie will come round again."

I'm sure the voice in my head is well-intentioned, but I'm not convinced of the rightness of its cause, especially when it resorts to such a stock comic device of repeating the word "The Nookie" over and over, hoping that makes the bit funnier.

That was also one of the reasons I've been deeply afraid of committing to one relationship in my life. I was always worried temptation would come along and I wouldn't be able to resist.

Saturday night, I didn't have to resist. The choice was no choice at all, despite the voice's protestations. I found how easily I was able to walk away reassuring. Maybe I can do this commitment thing after all.

I walked to Bastet's house without looking back (although I did make a mental note to check the two wrestler's Facebook pages for any combination of the words "van" and "orgy").

I slipped in the door, rubbed the cat's belly, and went upstairs. I slipped into bed beside my love. She murmured in her sleep and woke up. We exchange pleasantries, and stories about our day (including the one I'm telling right now--I love how honest I feel talking about things like this with her) and she drifted back off to sleep in my arms.

It doesn't matter how much Nookie is left on the table. This is the only woman I need.

I dozed and snuggled closer, feeling the familiar warmth of her body, hearing the familar rhythm of her breath. Inside, I was aglow with the warmth of love and the self-satisfaction of moral uprightness. I had faced my insecurities and emerged victorious. Remain on the table, Nookie; I am nookie-obsessed no longer.

Then, as I was fading into slumber, the voice in my head, calling out as if from somewhere far away:

"But she LIKED you."

It never ends.

Still Dan Brodribb. Tell Your Family I Said Hi

At the show yesterday, I was telling Sean Lecomber about my new approach to comedy and my frustrations at not always being able to make it work.

DAN: You know, I tell myself each time I go up, I'm going to do stuff differently. I'm going to be high energy and pump up the crowd, and then I get up there..."

SEAN:...and you're still Dan Brodribb.

DAN: Pretty much.

There's a moral in that exchange somewhere.

In other news, This is one of my favorite blogs.

If you enjoy voyeurism into someone's life and sexual dynamics, check it out. She's also a wonderful writer, which helps.

I enjoy reading it. It's been a springboard for some nice discussions with Bastet. I've occasionally wanted to write her a message telling her how much I enjoy her writing (Or worse, give her advice, which is doubly stupid considering what I myself wrote in paragraphs five and six of one of my own articles), but I can't quite figure out how to do it. I always found it disorienting when people who read my articles in the paper would come up to me and start talking about my personal life. Now I'm on the other side of the fence and trying to figure out how to show my appreciation without sounding creepy.

Let's try one out and see how it sounds.

"Hi

My girlfriend and I love your blog. We love deconstructing your personal life and analyzing you in between Scrabble and trips to the Farmer's Market. We especially like it when you try and find your place in the world, so keep up those feelings of alienation. We need the conversational fodder.

Dan

PS - Tell your family I said hi."

Hmm. I don't know.

Of course, I know she reads my blog, so maybe what I could do is write a post saying how much I like her writing but I'm uncertain about how to tell her.

And then she'll read it and send me a message going "I never know you felt that way. I like your blog too."

And then I'll be like "Will you be friends with me and my girlfriend?"

And she'll be like, "Yes, of course. I love your blog and your girlfriend's, which I magically found and identified, even though I have know way of knowing who she is or where I could find her blog because you feel it's intrusive to post anything that would allow anyone to identify your romantic interests to the casual reader. I like her. You two are a wonderful couple. I only wish I could somehow find the peace, happiness, and sagacity you two have found over the winding course of your life journey together."

And I'll modestly go. "Well, it's important to understand that these things take time. You can't rush them. Bastet and I have a special connection, true, but it's been forged in the fires of our--let's see what's the date today?--three months together."

And she'll be like. "Wow. Do you have any advice for me?"

And I'll be like: Well, I DO hate to give advice, but...(insert pearls of glorious golden wisdom here)

And she'll go: "God, of course. How could I have been so blind? Thank you Dan Brodribb. You are wise AND hilarious."

And she'll go on to be one of our closest friends and we'll get letters from her (REAL letters in flowing feminine script) updating us on her life and how much happiness she's found since she took my words to heart. And each year for the rest of our lives she'll send us a Christmas card from her, and Bastet and I will read them together, our eyes twinkling in our aged, weathered faces while a fire crackles warmly behind us in our cozy little house and then I will put my arm around Bastet and hold her close and I will be filled with a warm contented glow right up to the point I remember that NOTHING I WROTE IN THE LAST EIGHT PARAGRAPHS HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

Yep. Still Dan Brodribb.

That's "Pretty Decent" Dan Brodribb to you.

I wouldn't be anyone else for the world.

The Glamour Never Stops

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Happy Anniversary to Me

I just realized that this summer marks(*) the 20 year anniversary of my pro-wrestling fandom.

That's longer than all but two of my closest friendships and almost ten times longer than every committed romantic relationship I've ever been in COMBINED(**).

As Ron Simmons would say..."DAMN!"

I don't know how I will celebrate this. Definitely tonight ring-announcing at the OSCW show at the Hazeldean Dome. Maybe I'll treat myself to this DVD from Jim Cornette's website.

I've been watching the PPV from 1989 that started it all for me, SummerSlam 89 and trying to notice little things I didn't see the first time such as when the Red Rooster injured his knee in the match against Mr. Perfect, forcing them to improvise the rest of it on the fly (***) or trying to figure out where Michaels and Santana were during the 6 man tag that left them unable to break up the pin on Marty Jannetty (****)

Weird seeing a guy in a wrestling match laid out by a basic punch, but that's the Rockers for you. Glass-jawed and stupid. Hard to believe they were my favorite tag team at the time.

What was I talking about?

A mark of my fandom is there are certain matches, events, or storylines that bring me back to certain periods of my life, the same way hearing "Stairway to Heaven" reminds most people of my generation of their first grope at the end of a high school dance. I won't say wrestling is my music--music is my music, and always will be--but it's interesting.

The Wrestlemania X ladder match reminds me of working at Pizza Hut, because I was told about it before I saw it by a morbidly obese co-worker. I even remember exactly where I was standing (In front of a counter, with a knife in my hand).

My relationship with Cat in the Hat girl was inextricably tied to wrestling. One of our first dates was at an MPW show headlined by Heavy Metal and Nite where she sewed a button onto my coat--a coat that was later stolen at an Ace Frehley concert that I went to with Heavy Metal, Slammer, and Ace Davidson. Shortly before we broke up, I remember reading about a one hour match between Shawn Michaels and John Cena on her laptop after she left for work while the back of my mind was thinking, 'this isn't working the way I thought it would.'

There are others. Some involve close friends. Some involve my brother. Happiness, heartache, and everything in between...Four-sevenths of my life has taken place in front of a backdrop of bodyslams and spandex.

Weird.

Hope to see you at the show tonight.

You know, I'll be there.

Upcoming Comedy
Sunday, August 30 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton
Tuesday, August 4 - New City - Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling Appearances
Saturday, August 22 - OSCW August Action, Hazeldean Community Hall - Edmonton

Dan Brodribb's Geek Love appears every two weeks at www.suicidegirls.com. Current article is here.

More of Dan's musings on dating and relationships can be found on his Hot Chicks & Strangers blog.



(*) Pun intended. For those who know such things.

(**)Depending on your math and what you count as a commited romantic relationship

(***) It's earlier than I thought--when he scoops Perfect for a bodyslam (I think). He actually tries to hobble through quite a bit, before they decide to go home. Too bad about that injury. It was shaping up to be a nice little match.

(****) Here we go (Deep breath) Shawn is brawling with Raymond. Santana is originally chasing Martel, but gets caught arguing with the ref (idiot) allowing Martel to slip away and nail Jannetty, who is originally fighting Jacques but has his attention caught by manager Jimmy Hart allowing Jacques to roll him up from behind. Jannetty reverses, and that's when Martel makes his move. Shawn is caught up by Raymond and Santana is too far away (though it doesn't help that he drops to the floor to come help instead of rolling into the ring) to get there in time. You're welcome.