Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Slow Ride

No exciting developments on the professional or interesting story front for a while. I DID however spend close to forty minutes yesterday imagining myself as the backup quarterback for an NFL team (I'm unspecific on which one because I haven't decided yet--New England would give me the most press, Green Bay is a sentimental favorite, but Atlanta apparently has a lot of attractive, educated women) who saves the day after the starter is injured.

Yep, clearly, NFL football season has started.

Time spent imagining the actual game: three minutes.

The rest was spent coming up with clever one-liners for post-game interviews.

Here's a sample:

INTERVIEWER: A storybook debut for you tonight on Monday Night Football, Dan. But what's your strategy next week against that tough Steelers defense?

DAN: I can't speak for my teammates, but I plan to call in sick. I'm thinking 'flu-like symptoms' or 'undisclosed lower body injury.'

INTERVIEWER & MILLIONS WATCHING AT HOME: Ha ha! This guy's great! Let's subscribe to his blog (In my fantasy I still have a blog. Although I have taken the liberty of making myself taller, younger, and more athletic, in every other respect, I am EXACTLY the same person and still have time to write and do comedy).

INTERVIEWER: Well, congratulations on your win.

DAN: Thank--cough, cough, sorry tickle in my throat--Thank you. (falls down clutching his leg) OWWW, MY GROIN!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to compose my Hall of Fame induction speech. It'll be better than Jordan's (*), that's for sure.

(*)On a side note, my favorite basketball player, John Stockton was also just inducted into the basketball hall-of-fame. I appreciated him because he was relentlessly hard-working, smart, made the people around him better, and socially awkward--not unlike your humble correspondent. He was ahead of the curve on booty shorts.

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