Having a hard time getting this Valentine's Day column together. I've been writing V-Day columns for the last couple years, and it feels like I've said everything I have to say on the subject. Let's hope we aren't heading back to this.
Here are a ten things I like right now:
-Meeting interesting strangers.
-This song
-Hanging out with Dawn.
-Trying a new joke onstage.
-The Owen Hart vs. British Bulldog match for the European title.
-When the bus pulls up just as I arrive at the stop.
-Red peppers
-The library
-making bread in my new breadmaker--it makes my apartment smell nice.
-Cool words
Upcoming Comedy
Monday, February 4 - The Comic Strip
Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Shy Guys starts on February 25 - For details go to www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca
Upcoming Writing
Current Living Article is up here
Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles (co-written with Dawn Dumont) Current article is here.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Good, the Bad, and the Pathetic
THE GOOD: Watching PAUL MERCURIO at The Comic Strip Sunday. His crowd work is so good--he manages to create chaos, but still keep control of the room. Talking to him after was inspiring and I'm hoping to use some of what we talked about in my upcoming shows.
What upcoming shows, you ask?
These ones right here.
Tuesday, January 22 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, January 23 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, January 24 - The Comic Strip
Friday, January 25 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, January 26 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, January 27 - The Comic Strip
Monday, January 28 - The Comic Strip
Hope to see you there.
THE BAD: The Green Bay/New York NFL play-off game. Fifteen seconds of action followed by three minutes of commercials. No wonder the game was over three hours. Not all of us watch football for the ads.
THE PATHETIC: A woman at The Comic Strip last night who spent the entire show alternately yelling and crying at various staff members. A six-year old would have been embarrassed. I have nothing against people standing up for themselves if they feel they haven't gotten the service they expected, but there's a good way to do it...and a way that costs you the respect of everyone around you, disrupts the show, and strips you of your personal dignity. Just pathetic.
Other stuff..
Latest headLINES is up here. Includes Harry Potter AND Hulk Hogan jokes.
Also, I don't think I linked to the latest Pair of Singles article.
And here's the rest of the schedule...
Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, January 22 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, January 23 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, January 24 - The Comic Strip
Friday, January 25 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, January 26 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, January 27 - The Comic Strip
Monday, January 28 - The Comic Strip
Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Shy Guys starts on February 25 - For details go to www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca
Upcoming Writing
Current Living Article is up here
Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles (co-written with Dawn Dumont) Current article is here.
What upcoming shows, you ask?
These ones right here.
Tuesday, January 22 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, January 23 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, January 24 - The Comic Strip
Friday, January 25 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, January 26 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, January 27 - The Comic Strip
Monday, January 28 - The Comic Strip
Hope to see you there.
THE BAD: The Green Bay/New York NFL play-off game. Fifteen seconds of action followed by three minutes of commercials. No wonder the game was over three hours. Not all of us watch football for the ads.
THE PATHETIC: A woman at The Comic Strip last night who spent the entire show alternately yelling and crying at various staff members. A six-year old would have been embarrassed. I have nothing against people standing up for themselves if they feel they haven't gotten the service they expected, but there's a good way to do it...and a way that costs you the respect of everyone around you, disrupts the show, and strips you of your personal dignity. Just pathetic.
Other stuff..
Latest headLINES is up here. Includes Harry Potter AND Hulk Hogan jokes.
Also, I don't think I linked to the latest Pair of Singles article.
And here's the rest of the schedule...
Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, January 22 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, January 23 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, January 24 - The Comic Strip
Friday, January 25 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, January 26 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, January 27 - The Comic Strip
Monday, January 28 - The Comic Strip
Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Shy Guys starts on February 25 - For details go to www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca
Upcoming Writing
Current Living Article is up here
Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles (co-written with Dawn Dumont) Current article is here.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Dan Tries to Tell a Lie on Live Television - It Goes Badly
New headLINES is up
An important new goal for me is to express myself honestly. Too often in the past, I've kept my mouth shut for fear of what others would think of me or because I wanted to give the perfect answer. Instead of worrying about being right or wrong, I want to be genuine.
So far so good. Until this morning.
I was doing a live TV interview on the Dating for Shy Guys course. At one point, one of the co-hosts--a very attractive and very married woman--turned the full force of her charisma on me and said asked something like: "What's something you would say to an attractive woman?"
DAN'S GENUINE ANSWER: I want to answer your question, but when you look at me like that you are so f**king hot I can't think straight.
DAN'S BRAIN: Don't say that! Screw genuine! Tell a lie! Tell a lie!
WHAT ACTUALLY CAME OUT OF DAN'S MOUTH: Umm....
Although now that I think of it I have said "Umm..." to many an attractive woman, so technically, my answer was correct. Yay me...I guess.
Probably not a great way to sell yourself as a Dating Expert on live TV though.
The Dan is Not a Good Interview World Tour marches on.
Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, January 22 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, January 23 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, January 24 - The Comic Strip
Friday, January 25 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, January 26 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, January 27 - The Comic Strip
Monday, January 28 - The Comic Strip
Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Shy Guys starts on February 25 - For details go to www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca
Writing
Current Living Article is up here
Next article will appear on Friday, January 18
Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles (co-written with Dawn Dumont) Current article is here.
An important new goal for me is to express myself honestly. Too often in the past, I've kept my mouth shut for fear of what others would think of me or because I wanted to give the perfect answer. Instead of worrying about being right or wrong, I want to be genuine.
So far so good. Until this morning.
I was doing a live TV interview on the Dating for Shy Guys course. At one point, one of the co-hosts--a very attractive and very married woman--turned the full force of her charisma on me and said asked something like: "What's something you would say to an attractive woman?"
DAN'S GENUINE ANSWER: I want to answer your question, but when you look at me like that you are so f**king hot I can't think straight.
DAN'S BRAIN: Don't say that! Screw genuine! Tell a lie! Tell a lie!
WHAT ACTUALLY CAME OUT OF DAN'S MOUTH: Umm....
Although now that I think of it I have said "Umm..." to many an attractive woman, so technically, my answer was correct. Yay me...I guess.
Probably not a great way to sell yourself as a Dating Expert on live TV though.
The Dan is Not a Good Interview World Tour marches on.
Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, January 22 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, January 23 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, January 24 - The Comic Strip
Friday, January 25 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, January 26 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, January 27 - The Comic Strip
Monday, January 28 - The Comic Strip
Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Shy Guys starts on February 25 - For details go to www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca
Writing
Current Living Article is up here
Next article will appear on Friday, January 18
Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles (co-written with Dawn Dumont) Current article is here.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Intinerary Updates and Interview News
Monday at 6:50am I will be doing an interview with CityTV to promote the Dating for Shy Guys course.
A live interview.
Awesome.
Oh yeah. I showcased for Comedy Now last night. I wouldn't mentioned it, but it's the first time I've showcased for anything nationally so I wanted to see what that looked like in writing.
Not as good as 'Dan Brodribb: Comedy Superstar and Voice of a Generation,' but it's something.
Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, January 22 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, January 23 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, January 24 - The Comic Strip
Friday, January 25 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, January 26 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, January 27 - The Comic Strip
Monday, January 28 - The Comic Strip
Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Shy Guys starts on February 25 - For details go to www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca
Writing
Current Living Article is up here
Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles (co-written with Dawn Dumont) Current article is here.
A live interview.
Awesome.
Oh yeah. I showcased for Comedy Now last night. I wouldn't mentioned it, but it's the first time I've showcased for anything nationally so I wanted to see what that looked like in writing.
Not as good as 'Dan Brodribb: Comedy Superstar and Voice of a Generation,' but it's something.
Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, January 22 - The Comic Strip
Wednesday, January 23 - The Comic Strip
Thursday, January 24 - The Comic Strip
Friday, January 25 - The Comic Strip
Saturday, January 26 - The Comic Strip
Sunday, January 27 - The Comic Strip
Monday, January 28 - The Comic Strip
Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Shy Guys starts on February 25 - For details go to www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca
Writing
Current Living Article is up here
Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles (co-written with Dawn Dumont) Current article is here.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
The Trouble With Facebook Revisited
Original article is here
While you're at it, check out the latest headLINES
The girl I had a crush on in high school got in touch with me through Facebook the other day. I was crazy about her for the end of grade nine, all of grade ten, and if I'm not mistaken--the first portion of grade eleven. I don't mess around with my crushes.
I actually owe this girl. The only reason I signed up for biology class was because she was in it and biology ended up being the only science I didn't drop or flunk out of. If not for my romantic obsession, I might not have graduated from high school (*).
She told me I once wrote her a poem, which I don't remember at all. I do recall giving her a unicorn for her birthday (April 20--weird the things that stay with you) and fleeing in embarrassment.
I guess I'm the typcial self-absorbed writer, because my first thought upon learning of the existence of this forgotten poem was: "I wonder if it was any good."
Magic eight-ball says 'doubtful.' I'm a decent writer, but poetry has never been my forte. Perhaps it's better that this lost Dan Brodribb Masterpiece remains lost.
(*)I didn't realize this until recently, but I skated through high school by the narrowest of margins. Looking back, I'm amazed at how oblivious I was; I knew I was in danger, but it never occurred to me I wouldn't make it. My attitude towards academic was the same as some guys' attitude towards being a boyfriend--if you show enough potential, your actual performance gets overlooked. I've noticed that strategy gets less and less effective, the further you get from high school. I suspect a couple teachers added some 'participation marks' to help push me through.
Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, January 9 - The Comic Strip
Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Shy Guys starts on February 25 - For details go to www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca
Writing
Current Living Article is up here
Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles (co-written with Dawn Dumont) Current article is here.
While you're at it, check out the latest headLINES
The girl I had a crush on in high school got in touch with me through Facebook the other day. I was crazy about her for the end of grade nine, all of grade ten, and if I'm not mistaken--the first portion of grade eleven. I don't mess around with my crushes.
I actually owe this girl. The only reason I signed up for biology class was because she was in it and biology ended up being the only science I didn't drop or flunk out of. If not for my romantic obsession, I might not have graduated from high school (*).
She told me I once wrote her a poem, which I don't remember at all. I do recall giving her a unicorn for her birthday (April 20--weird the things that stay with you) and fleeing in embarrassment.
I guess I'm the typcial self-absorbed writer, because my first thought upon learning of the existence of this forgotten poem was: "I wonder if it was any good."
Magic eight-ball says 'doubtful.' I'm a decent writer, but poetry has never been my forte. Perhaps it's better that this lost Dan Brodribb Masterpiece remains lost.
(*)I didn't realize this until recently, but I skated through high school by the narrowest of margins. Looking back, I'm amazed at how oblivious I was; I knew I was in danger, but it never occurred to me I wouldn't make it. My attitude towards academic was the same as some guys' attitude towards being a boyfriend--if you show enough potential, your actual performance gets overlooked. I've noticed that strategy gets less and less effective, the further you get from high school. I suspect a couple teachers added some 'participation marks' to help push me through.
Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, January 9 - The Comic Strip
Upcoming Teaching
Dating for Shy Guys starts on February 25 - For details go to www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca
Writing
Current Living Article is up here
Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles (co-written with Dawn Dumont) Current article is here.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Living Article Is Up
New living article is up here.
It's on being a sports fan. Which I am. And right now I am praying to the Sports Fans Gods for a Packers/Patriots Super-Bowl showdown. I hope you'll join me. Except for Ryan, who is a die-hard Steelers fan.
For those of you who look at the picture and wonder about my lovely fashion sense, the hat is from my Dad circa 1967 and the t-shirt was a birthday present from my friend Victor, the lead vocalist for Desousa Drive.
It's on being a sports fan. Which I am. And right now I am praying to the Sports Fans Gods for a Packers/Patriots Super-Bowl showdown. I hope you'll join me. Except for Ryan, who is a die-hard Steelers fan.
For those of you who look at the picture and wonder about my lovely fashion sense, the hat is from my Dad circa 1967 and the t-shirt was a birthday present from my friend Victor, the lead vocalist for Desousa Drive.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
New headLINES and Pair of Singles. Also: The Hack Album
Dawn and I have our latest column up, containing our New Year's resolutions. Check it out here.
As well, headLINES is up here. This week it's my predictions for 2008.
Finally, my next Living article in the Journal will run this Friday. It's on sports.
One of my predictions is that I'm going to be a best-selling hip hop artist. Here's the lyrics to my first single, which is about the perils of the stand-up comedy game:
If you’re having laugh problems I feel bad for you son,
I got 99 problems, but this bit ain’t one
I got the hack patrol in the back, you know
Jokes that the haters want to say I stole
My critics all say “It’s easy laughs” Whoa
Too many words, sucka, these bits is gold.
If you bought a ticket to see my show
I’ll give you all I got plus a whole lot mo’
Loudmouth in the front trying to break my flow
He go, “Son, do you know what I’m hecklin you for?”
Cause your drunk and you’re fat and your IQ’s low
Do I look like Bill Cosby, sir? Shut your hole
Laugh, tip your waitress, show some love for the MC
keep your voice down I can hear you cause this ain’t TV
When you think the joke’s over--tag!--we ain’t done
I got 99 problems but this bit ain’t one.
Time to clear some space for my Grammy
As well, headLINES is up here. This week it's my predictions for 2008.
Finally, my next Living article in the Journal will run this Friday. It's on sports.
One of my predictions is that I'm going to be a best-selling hip hop artist. Here's the lyrics to my first single, which is about the perils of the stand-up comedy game:
If you’re having laugh problems I feel bad for you son,
I got 99 problems, but this bit ain’t one
I got the hack patrol in the back, you know
Jokes that the haters want to say I stole
My critics all say “It’s easy laughs” Whoa
Too many words, sucka, these bits is gold.
If you bought a ticket to see my show
I’ll give you all I got plus a whole lot mo’
Loudmouth in the front trying to break my flow
He go, “Son, do you know what I’m hecklin you for?”
Cause your drunk and you’re fat and your IQ’s low
Do I look like Bill Cosby, sir? Shut your hole
Laugh, tip your waitress, show some love for the MC
keep your voice down I can hear you cause this ain’t TV
When you think the joke’s over--tag!--we ain’t done
I got 99 problems but this bit ain’t one.
Time to clear some space for my Grammy
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Remembering My Hair
I got a haircut. It isn't too bad, but I miss waking up to my hair every morning.
At least, I have the memories.
At least, I have the memories.
Monday, December 24, 2007
headLINES, Haircuts, and Happy Holidays
I got a haircut today. I miss my old hair. I may have a tribute to it later on in the week.
here's the latest headLINES
Finally, I wanted to wish everyone Happy Holidays and all the best in the New Year to you and your loved ones. I appreciate all your support.
Dan
here's the latest headLINES
Finally, I wanted to wish everyone Happy Holidays and all the best in the New Year to you and your loved ones. I appreciate all your support.
Dan
Thursday, December 20, 2007
In Which Our Hero Is Outdanced By A Stripper
A couple other comedians were in the bar at the time this story happened and asked about it, so here it is.
Oh, hey...speaking of comedians--I am one. If you're looking to see me perform check out...
Upcoming Comedy
Thursday, December 20 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, December 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, December 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton
Upcoming Writing
Current Living article can be found here.
headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. The latest headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles can be found here.
I had stopped by the pub to watch the game. At the time there were only three people in the place, each seated at their own table. One of them was a cute redhead.
I thought this was rather anti-social and I said so. Guess which one I was looking at the most when I said it.
CUTE REDHEAD: You can sit with me if you want. But you can't talk because I'm watching the game.
DAN'S BRAIN: A woman who likes football? This bears further investigation.
DAN'S LYING MOUTH: Don't worry. You won't even know I'm here.
I watched about 0.000006 seconds of the game--enough to confirm that neither of the teams playing were ones I gave a shit about and that their performance tonight would not affect the playoff hopes of teams I DO give a shit about--before yakking to my new best friend.
She turned out to be a genial sort. Originally she said she was in sales, but after a an hour or so of chit-chat, confessed she was a stripper.
DAN: No way. You're too short.
CUTE REDHEAD: I know. I wear five inch heels.
DAN: You should wear stilts.
I say the sweetest things.
I then segued into my stripper rant. Never let it be said I don't have the courage of my convictions. Change happens when we speak out.
That rocky start aside, I really enjoyed talking to her. People lead such interesting lives. In addition to her being a amiable conversationalist, she was also very nice for a) buying me drinks and b) not calling to much attention to the fact she was outdrinking me by a 3-to-1 margin. Not only that, even at five feet and change, she seemed completely unaffected by the alcohol while I was noticing the bar was shifting precipitously to starboard each time I stood.
Nevertheless, she HAD paid for my gin-and-tonics. In exchange, I decided to introduce her to the power of Dan's Super-Secret Dance-Floor Technique for Meeting Women Even If You're Too Shy to Talk to Them (DSSDFTFMWEIYTSTTTT for short...er).
Since no one else was on the floor, she was relucant, but I insisted. Finally she danced with me.
As it turned out, she did okay on her own.
Within three songs, everyone in the bar was dancing and she was being swarmed by other guys, the DJ, and even other women.
Me not so much. Not even my best moves could attract the attention of the throng. Not only that, my new friend was so surrounded by new admirers that I was no longer on her radar.
Who would have thought I could be out-danced by a stripper? Everyone, I suspect, but me.
Live and learn, I guess.
Oh, hey...speaking of comedians--I am one. If you're looking to see me perform check out...
Upcoming Comedy
Thursday, December 20 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, December 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, December 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton
Upcoming Writing
Current Living article can be found here.
headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. The latest headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles can be found here.
I had stopped by the pub to watch the game. At the time there were only three people in the place, each seated at their own table. One of them was a cute redhead.
I thought this was rather anti-social and I said so. Guess which one I was looking at the most when I said it.
CUTE REDHEAD: You can sit with me if you want. But you can't talk because I'm watching the game.
DAN'S BRAIN: A woman who likes football? This bears further investigation.
DAN'S LYING MOUTH: Don't worry. You won't even know I'm here.
I watched about 0.000006 seconds of the game--enough to confirm that neither of the teams playing were ones I gave a shit about and that their performance tonight would not affect the playoff hopes of teams I DO give a shit about--before yakking to my new best friend.
She turned out to be a genial sort. Originally she said she was in sales, but after a an hour or so of chit-chat, confessed she was a stripper.
DAN: No way. You're too short.
CUTE REDHEAD: I know. I wear five inch heels.
DAN: You should wear stilts.
I say the sweetest things.
I then segued into my stripper rant. Never let it be said I don't have the courage of my convictions. Change happens when we speak out.
That rocky start aside, I really enjoyed talking to her. People lead such interesting lives. In addition to her being a amiable conversationalist, she was also very nice for a) buying me drinks and b) not calling to much attention to the fact she was outdrinking me by a 3-to-1 margin. Not only that, even at five feet and change, she seemed completely unaffected by the alcohol while I was noticing the bar was shifting precipitously to starboard each time I stood.
Nevertheless, she HAD paid for my gin-and-tonics. In exchange, I decided to introduce her to the power of Dan's Super-Secret Dance-Floor Technique for Meeting Women Even If You're Too Shy to Talk to Them (DSSDFTFMWEIYTSTTTT for short...er).
Since no one else was on the floor, she was relucant, but I insisted. Finally she danced with me.
As it turned out, she did okay on her own.
Within three songs, everyone in the bar was dancing and she was being swarmed by other guys, the DJ, and even other women.
Me not so much. Not even my best moves could attract the attention of the throng. Not only that, my new friend was so surrounded by new admirers that I was no longer on her radar.
Who would have thought I could be out-danced by a stripper? Everyone, I suspect, but me.
Live and learn, I guess.
Monday, December 17, 2007
headLINES and other stuff.
headLINES is here
Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, December 19 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, December 20 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, December 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, December 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton
Upcoming Writing
Current Living article can be found here.
headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. The latest headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles can be found here.
Upcoming Comedy
Wednesday, December 19 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, December 20 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Friday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Saturday, December 22 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, December 23 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton
Upcoming Writing
Current Living article can be found here.
headLINES appears every Monday in the Edmonton Journal's online ed magazine. The latest headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles can be found here.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Latest Stuff
The latest Pair of Singles is up here. It's one of my favorite PoSs in a while.
My Christmas Living article is here.
The birth of the Christmas article was chronicled here.
ALSO: My Mom wanted me to make a correction to the article. Apparently, it was not 'Sesame Street' that made me flip out as a kid, it was 'Spider-Man.' It's good to have a fact checker.
My Christmas Living article is here.
The birth of the Christmas article was chronicled here.
ALSO: My Mom wanted me to make a correction to the article. Apparently, it was not 'Sesame Street' that made me flip out as a kid, it was 'Spider-Man.' It's good to have a fact checker.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Well We All Just-a-Wanna Be...(Dan Contemplates the Nature of His Existence "Backstage" at a Bon Jovi Concert and Plays Dance Floor Cupid)
So HEAVY METAL, MO FUNK, and I were chilling backstage during the Bon Jovi concert...
And when I say chilling back stage, I mean sitting in our seats BEHIND the stage, courtesy of ECLIPSE's ticket-buying acumen. Yep, instead of buying five seats together, Eclipse put himself and his beautiful blonde girlfriend in prime spots while placing the three of us in behind-the-backdrop hell. But what would you expect from the man responsible for the break up of the Brothers in Flight tag team. Do not trust this man
The opening band was Hedley. The music was okay, but it was hard to give them any sort of rock and roll credibility the lead singer's choice of red pants and his mincing stage mannerisms which could be charitably described as effete. We made fun of them...a lot.
For the record, there is nothing wrong with rock stars (or anybody else) being gay. There's nothing even wrong with rock stars LOOKING gay. But when if you're going with the gay (authentic or otherwise) in the world of hard rock, there is gay that Rocks (I'm thinking of Marilyn Manson, who isn't really gay, or Rob Halford who really is) and there is prancing prissily around. So this is my message to Hedley: A little less Blades of Glory and a little more Rock of Ages, if you please.
Eventually Bon Jovi came out. Say what you will about Bon Jovi, but they are one of the hardest working bands in music. I heard a story about when grunge killed the hair metal scene, Bon Jovi was still selling tickets and albums without radio or video play, solely based on Jon's tireless work ethic vis a vis promotions and interviews and putting on the best show he could. I don't like every song they've ever written, but I like a lot of them, and I respect them as much as I respect any group.
This is where I actually started to like our seats. I didn't have a great view of the band, but I had an awesome view of the crowd. Which made me realize something.
I don't care where I'm sitting when I'm at a show. The truth is, I don't want to be in any of the seats.
I want to be the guy onstage.
I spent all the boring songs looking around at the crowd and daydreaming about how I would work a crowd that big. Today Pub 99, tomorrow Madison Square Garden.
Very few people can understand the lure of being onstage, whether it's music, comedy, pro wrestling, or interpretative dance. And I can't necessarily explain it myself. But for those of us who do it no explanation is necessary. And for those who don't no explanation is possible.
After the show we went to an unnamed bar. I'm not naming it, because it was a pretty cool place and they even gave us some free drinks, but I am going to have to bash them for having the single worst DJ I have ever experienced.
If anything, he was more like an ADHD-J. I don't think he played a single song all the way through without jumping to another song--often a song that was completely different in genre and/or tempo. You can't do that! I'm trying to get my dance on!
He tried to put in a theme at one point by playing a bunch of Bon Jovi songs. That's a fine idea. You know who else plays a bunch of Bon Jovi songs in a row? Bon Jovi. The difference was, Bon Jovi knows how to pace their songs so the show has a coherent flow to it whereas this guy was randomly throwing stuff out there.
Pro wrestlers call it psychology. And if muscleheads in spandex who make their living pretending to beat each other up can figure it out, the rest of the entertainment world has no excuse.
On an unrelated note, I hate to toot my own horn, but---toot-toot--I got to play dancefloor cupid last night. I had clued Heavy Metal in on Dan's Super-Secret Dance-Floor Technique for Meeting Women Even If You're Too Shy to Talk to Them (which you can learn by either signing up for my "Dating for Shy Guys" course through Metro Continuing Education or getting two or three gin and tonics into my system.)and he had taken it and made it his own with some awesome air guitar.
Naturally, the cutest blonde in the bar was irresistably compelled to come dance with in, drawn in by the irresistable power of DSSDFTFMWEIYTSTTTT (I may need to work on that name) and Heavy Metal's own dark charisma and hard rock attitude (probably the reason Eclipse wanted to keep his girlfriend seperated from Metal at the concert--blondes can't resist the Pretty from Detroit Rock City). Sparks were flying, but they didn't seem to know how to take the next step.
Enter me, with my own subtle style of wingmanship.
With one hand I guided the woman closer to Heavy Metal's chiseled torso, with the other, I grabbed Metal's arm and placed it around the woman's shoulders. They figured it out from there.
I rule.
There's something about bringing young people together that makes me feel warm inside. Must be the holidays.
And when I say chilling back stage, I mean sitting in our seats BEHIND the stage, courtesy of ECLIPSE's ticket-buying acumen. Yep, instead of buying five seats together, Eclipse put himself and his beautiful blonde girlfriend in prime spots while placing the three of us in behind-the-backdrop hell. But what would you expect from the man responsible for the break up of the Brothers in Flight tag team. Do not trust this man
The opening band was Hedley. The music was okay, but it was hard to give them any sort of rock and roll credibility the lead singer's choice of red pants and his mincing stage mannerisms which could be charitably described as effete. We made fun of them...a lot.
For the record, there is nothing wrong with rock stars (or anybody else) being gay. There's nothing even wrong with rock stars LOOKING gay. But when if you're going with the gay (authentic or otherwise) in the world of hard rock, there is gay that Rocks (I'm thinking of Marilyn Manson, who isn't really gay, or Rob Halford who really is) and there is prancing prissily around. So this is my message to Hedley: A little less Blades of Glory and a little more Rock of Ages, if you please.
Eventually Bon Jovi came out. Say what you will about Bon Jovi, but they are one of the hardest working bands in music. I heard a story about when grunge killed the hair metal scene, Bon Jovi was still selling tickets and albums without radio or video play, solely based on Jon's tireless work ethic vis a vis promotions and interviews and putting on the best show he could. I don't like every song they've ever written, but I like a lot of them, and I respect them as much as I respect any group.
This is where I actually started to like our seats. I didn't have a great view of the band, but I had an awesome view of the crowd. Which made me realize something.
I don't care where I'm sitting when I'm at a show. The truth is, I don't want to be in any of the seats.
I want to be the guy onstage.
I spent all the boring songs looking around at the crowd and daydreaming about how I would work a crowd that big. Today Pub 99, tomorrow Madison Square Garden.
Very few people can understand the lure of being onstage, whether it's music, comedy, pro wrestling, or interpretative dance. And I can't necessarily explain it myself. But for those of us who do it no explanation is necessary. And for those who don't no explanation is possible.
After the show we went to an unnamed bar. I'm not naming it, because it was a pretty cool place and they even gave us some free drinks, but I am going to have to bash them for having the single worst DJ I have ever experienced.
If anything, he was more like an ADHD-J. I don't think he played a single song all the way through without jumping to another song--often a song that was completely different in genre and/or tempo. You can't do that! I'm trying to get my dance on!
He tried to put in a theme at one point by playing a bunch of Bon Jovi songs. That's a fine idea. You know who else plays a bunch of Bon Jovi songs in a row? Bon Jovi. The difference was, Bon Jovi knows how to pace their songs so the show has a coherent flow to it whereas this guy was randomly throwing stuff out there.
Pro wrestlers call it psychology. And if muscleheads in spandex who make their living pretending to beat each other up can figure it out, the rest of the entertainment world has no excuse.
On an unrelated note, I hate to toot my own horn, but---toot-toot--I got to play dancefloor cupid last night. I had clued Heavy Metal in on Dan's Super-Secret Dance-Floor Technique for Meeting Women Even If You're Too Shy to Talk to Them (which you can learn by either signing up for my "Dating for Shy Guys" course through Metro Continuing Education or getting two or three gin and tonics into my system.)and he had taken it and made it his own with some awesome air guitar.
Naturally, the cutest blonde in the bar was irresistably compelled to come dance with in, drawn in by the irresistable power of DSSDFTFMWEIYTSTTTT (I may need to work on that name) and Heavy Metal's own dark charisma and hard rock attitude (probably the reason Eclipse wanted to keep his girlfriend seperated from Metal at the concert--blondes can't resist the Pretty from Detroit Rock City). Sparks were flying, but they didn't seem to know how to take the next step.
Enter me, with my own subtle style of wingmanship.
With one hand I guided the woman closer to Heavy Metal's chiseled torso, with the other, I grabbed Metal's arm and placed it around the woman's shoulders. They figured it out from there.
I rule.
There's something about bringing young people together that makes me feel warm inside. Must be the holidays.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Nurses and Upcoming Events (Not every title can be a winner)
Went to a party at my sister's. There were a lot of nursing students there. I learned three things.
1) How cool my sister is. I knew that already, but seeing her through the eyes of her friends was awesome.
2) Nurses talk about poop a lot.
3) There is a professional way to hold a penis.
Let me go on record as saying I see nothing wrong with the traditional way of holding a penis. If I'm getting a garden hose rammed up my urethra, an accidental hand-job is the least they can do.
On that note, here's the latest headLINES as well as what I'm up to. I'm excited about Tuesday's show as it is an audition for Shaw Cable. We'll see what transpires.
Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, December 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton
Writing
headLINES appears every Monday for the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles is here
1) How cool my sister is. I knew that already, but seeing her through the eyes of her friends was awesome.
2) Nurses talk about poop a lot.
3) There is a professional way to hold a penis.
Let me go on record as saying I see nothing wrong with the traditional way of holding a penis. If I'm getting a garden hose rammed up my urethra, an accidental hand-job is the least they can do.
On that note, here's the latest headLINES as well as what I'm up to. I'm excited about Tuesday's show as it is an audition for Shaw Cable. We'll see what transpires.
Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, December 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton
Writing
headLINES appears every Monday for the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles is here
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Dan's Schedule
Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, December 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton
Other Appearances
Friday, December 7 - MPW Season's Beatings
Writing
headLINES appears every Monday for the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles is here
Tuesday, December 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, December 31 - Pub 99, Edmonton
Other Appearances
Friday, December 7 - MPW Season's Beatings
Writing
headLINES appears every Monday for the Edmonton Journal's ed online. Current headLINES is here
A Pair of Singles w/Dawn Dumont. Current Pair of Singles is here
Monday, December 03, 2007
500
I love writing.
I love breaking down sentences and playing with the words until they express exactly the idea I want. Sometimes my sentences are economical. Other times I like tricking them out like a muscle car, ornamenting them with adjectives and adverbs and punctuation and rococo phrasal curlicues until they sparkle with extra features--Extended Special Edition Sentences, if you will.
But some days it doesn't come so easy. Below are my journal entries for one of those days.
December 2
11:13pm
It’s been a long time since I’ve been this far behind on a writing project. I’m writing this entry Sunday night. I promised my editor an article by Monday morning and I’m 500 words short. I worked on it a bit last night, but was feeling blocked so I went to the bar to “clear my mind and renew my creative process” which is Dan-speak for “hit on a pair of blondes at least ten years my junior.”
Anyway, I’m hoping blogging will help get me going. Or maybe it will serve as a warning to aspiring writers to get their shit in on time.
I wonder how many words I’ve written in this blog entry. Funny, I don’t seem to be blocked HERE.
December 2
11:40
What the fuck is a druther? I’ll tell you--it’s one more word towards my total.
296 words to go.
December 2
11:55
324 words to go! I’m going backwards! I’m hemorrhaging prose! And I can’t tell if what’s left is any good.
Adverbs-- Tonight we dine in Hell!
December 3
12:10am
Can you use the words ‘poo factory’ in a family newspaper?
That’s what I thought.
Screw it. I’m going to bed. Monday morning means before noon, right?
295 words to go.
December 3
6:28am
I can’t believe I have to get up and finish this stupid article instead of finishing my dream about learning to play Ratt’s ‘Body Talk’ on the guitar. That song rules.
295 words, etc.
December 3
6:47am
Hey, that’s a pretty good line. I’m hilarious in the morning.
209 words to go.
December 3
6:52am
Can you mention Santa isn’t real in a family newspaper?
Screw it. If they’re old enough to read, they’re old enough to have their dreams shattered.
188 words to go.
December 3
7:05am
157 words to go. The ones at the end are always the hardest.
December 3
9:58am
Whoop-a-daisy, got a little distracted there.
On the plus side, I finished my push-ups and squats, showered, rehearsed my comedy for tonight, and had time for my morning nap.
The bad news. It’s ten o’clock.
80 words to go.
December 3
10:19am
I hate endings. I need to tie this together like a Christmas package, wrapping up my column-which combines laugh-out-loud funny with poignant and tender commentary on family life in the new millennium. And I need to do it in less than twenty words.
With the write[sic] words, I can turn this into a piece for the ages, which will be passed down through generations. When I’m 126 years old, I will see this column reprinted yet again, and over the whisper of royalty checks passed under my bedroom door by my wife of at least ten years my junior. I’ll crinkle my eyes and hold the words next to my heart and remember the folly of writing those words at 10:30 in the morning so many years ago.
But first I have to finish the damn thing.
18 words to go.
Finished! I hope the column will be as fun for you to read as it was a living hell for me to write.
I’d like to finish up this blog with something profound, but… I hate endings.
I love breaking down sentences and playing with the words until they express exactly the idea I want. Sometimes my sentences are economical. Other times I like tricking them out like a muscle car, ornamenting them with adjectives and adverbs and punctuation and rococo phrasal curlicues until they sparkle with extra features--Extended Special Edition Sentences, if you will.
But some days it doesn't come so easy. Below are my journal entries for one of those days.
December 2
11:13pm
It’s been a long time since I’ve been this far behind on a writing project. I’m writing this entry Sunday night. I promised my editor an article by Monday morning and I’m 500 words short. I worked on it a bit last night, but was feeling blocked so I went to the bar to “clear my mind and renew my creative process” which is Dan-speak for “hit on a pair of blondes at least ten years my junior.”
Anyway, I’m hoping blogging will help get me going. Or maybe it will serve as a warning to aspiring writers to get their shit in on time.
I wonder how many words I’ve written in this blog entry. Funny, I don’t seem to be blocked HERE.
December 2
11:40
What the fuck is a druther? I’ll tell you--it’s one more word towards my total.
296 words to go.
December 2
11:55
324 words to go! I’m going backwards! I’m hemorrhaging prose! And I can’t tell if what’s left is any good.
Adverbs-- Tonight we dine in Hell!
December 3
12:10am
Can you use the words ‘poo factory’ in a family newspaper?
That’s what I thought.
Screw it. I’m going to bed. Monday morning means before noon, right?
295 words to go.
December 3
6:28am
I can’t believe I have to get up and finish this stupid article instead of finishing my dream about learning to play Ratt’s ‘Body Talk’ on the guitar. That song rules.
295 words, etc.
December 3
6:47am
Hey, that’s a pretty good line. I’m hilarious in the morning.
209 words to go.
December 3
6:52am
Can you mention Santa isn’t real in a family newspaper?
Screw it. If they’re old enough to read, they’re old enough to have their dreams shattered.
188 words to go.
December 3
7:05am
157 words to go. The ones at the end are always the hardest.
December 3
9:58am
Whoop-a-daisy, got a little distracted there.
On the plus side, I finished my push-ups and squats, showered, rehearsed my comedy for tonight, and had time for my morning nap.
The bad news. It’s ten o’clock.
80 words to go.
December 3
10:19am
I hate endings. I need to tie this together like a Christmas package, wrapping up my column-which combines laugh-out-loud funny with poignant and tender commentary on family life in the new millennium. And I need to do it in less than twenty words.
With the write[sic] words, I can turn this into a piece for the ages, which will be passed down through generations. When I’m 126 years old, I will see this column reprinted yet again, and over the whisper of royalty checks passed under my bedroom door by my wife of at least ten years my junior. I’ll crinkle my eyes and hold the words next to my heart and remember the folly of writing those words at 10:30 in the morning so many years ago.
But first I have to finish the damn thing.
18 words to go.
Finished! I hope the column will be as fun for you to read as it was a living hell for me to write.
I’d like to finish up this blog with something profound, but… I hate endings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)