Update

Upcoming Events
Thursday, August 25 - Yuk Yuks
Friday, September 2 - Yuk Yuks
Saturday, September 3 - Yuk Yuks


Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the ed magazine supplement to the Edmonton Journal

-Black Gate magazine contacted me recently asking to see a short story I wrote a few years ago called "The Girl Who Feared Lightning." Weird that this is coming on the heels of my publication in Hellbound Books' 'Cold Flesh' anthology. My fiction career is finally starting to take off, and I've barely written any fiction in the last year or so. Time to get back at it, I guess.

-I've also written a piece for the Monster Pro Wrestling website under the pen name of 'Martial' Art McNeil. You can find it in the Inside MPW section of www.monsterprowrestling.com. It's always fun to try something a little different, and I've always been a rasslin' fan at heart, and the MPW are great guys with a great product, so I'm happy to help out.

-August has been a quiet month for me for comedy, but I'm looking forward to my next few shows, especially the weekend shows on September 2 and 3. Hope to see you there.

-Meanwhile, work on my website continues, slowly but surely. I had a photo shoot yesterday, so hopefully my gorgeous mug will be gracing this space soon.

July headLINES (somehow these never got posted)

Upcoming Events
Thursday, August 25 - Yuk Yuks
Friday, September 2 - Yuk Yuks
Saturday, September 3 - Yuk Yuks

-Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal's ed magazine.



Friday, July 1 - Now thanks to new provincial labor laws, when people say a 12 year old could do your job...it isn't just a figure of speech anymore.

Saturday, July 2 - What a wonderful Canada Day celebration. Using red and white colored tear gas to disperse the rioters on Whyte Avenue was an especially nice touch.

Sunday, July 3 - Oh wait, those weren't rioters, they were people looking for a place to smoke. No wonder the tear gas didn't bother them.

Monday, July 4 - With the NBA draft over, I can't do anymore basketball jokes. In order to fill our weekly sports requirement, it's on to professional wrestling: Ric Flair is so old, when he started doing the figure-four leglock, it was only a figure-one.

Tuesday, July 5 - The Edmonton Public School Board announced the impending closings of three more schools. Apparently, thanks to new government regulations, all our twelve-year olds are at work.

Wednesday, July 6 - Critics are sick of Bono and his meetings with world leaders, claiming, "no one wants to hear what a singer has to say." The 916 viewers of reality shows from "The Osbournes" to "Nick & Jessica" say otherwise.

Thursday, July 7 - Tom Cruise continues to deride the psychiatric profession, which is ironic, because if there's anyone who needs a good shrink, it's him. Even Michael Jackson described Cruise's recent behaviour as "a little over the top."

Friday, July 8 - Summer's here, and everywhere you look, kids are out playing in parks, running through sprinklers, and biking. Why can't they just get jobs?

Saturday, July 9 - A pair of immigrants are suing the Canadian government for false advertising because they couldn't find the jobs they wanted when they moved here. Does that mean I can sue the makers of Irish Spring? I bought their soap based on an ad with an Irish guy surrounded by beautiful women. I've been using the soap for months and I still don't have an accent.

Sunday, July 10 - Calgary Health Region reports that a computer error caused the medical records of 2000 people to be filed under the wrong names. They discovered the error when Calgary radio personality Red Dawg tested positive for pregnancy.

Monday, July 11 - After blasting the Comet Tempel 1 with the Deep Impact probe, NASA. has decided to go ahead and fire probes at more comets. When asked what scientific purpose the blasting serves, NASA spokemen replied: "None, it's just a lot of fun. It's just like shooting Stop signs on a more cosmic scale."

Tuesday, July 12 - The price of oil is so high right now, The U.S. needs find another country to invade, preferably within walking distance to save on gas. It was a nervouse couple of minutes for Canada, but the Americans don't like the cold so they're going after Texas.

Wednesday, July 13 - No word on whether Toronto Argonauts Robert Baker and Noel Prefontaine have fended any fences after their sideline scuffle a couple weeks ago. This is why the CFL is looked at as a second-rate league. In other leagues, athletes know who to take that aggression out on--the fans.

Thursday, July 14 - Georges Laraques is giving out relationship advice on the Bounce. His first callers were 'Rob and Noel from Toronto.'

Friday, July 15 - The war in Texas is not going well for the U.S. Apparently, Texans have weapons of mass destruction. The 131st Airborne was held off by a pair of Houston eleven year olds with My First Magnum starter kits.

Saturday, July 16 - The said to ed mailbag overflows with complaints about the scantily clad Grand Prix girls on the cover of a recent issue. It wasn't our fault. The original plans were for a cover featuring the 'Men of the Gravel Trucker's Union,' but at the time they were still on strike.

Sunday, July 17 - The Black Eyed Peas' Fergie shows off her dance skills at a concert at Rexall Place. She looks like a bee showing the rest of the hive where the honey is. In other entertainment news, Eminem is rumored to be leaving rap to pursue other interests--as long those interest don't involve Katie Holmes or Scientology, that's fine with me.

Monday, July 18 - Senator Collin Kenny says Canadians are unprepared for a terrorist attack. I think he underestimates our mental toughness. We didn't even blink when the NHL held hockey hostage for a year.

Tuesday, July 19 - According to rumor, Brad Pitt could be in Fort Edmonton RIGHT NOW working on a movie, but everything is being kept top secret. Don't worry though--I'll have all the answers once I confirm a couple details with Karl Rove.

Wednesday, July 20 - Amazing how our culture has changed. Fifty years ago when an unmarried woman got pregnant, she had to leave town to have the baby. The other day I saw a girl with SLUT written in rhinestones across the front of her maternity dress.

Thursday, July 21 - The Catholic Church claims reading the Harry Potter books makes it hard for children to distinguish between good and evil. I guess they should know--a few of their priests face the same challenge.

Friday, July 22 -
437
128
956
Okay, maybe I have a LITTLE Sudoku problem.

Saturday, July 23 - Telus says despite recent labour troubles, they'll maintain the same level of service that we've come to expect from the telecommunications company. Do I even need to add a joke here or does that sentence pretty much speak for itself? That's what I thought.

Sunday, July 24 - Some guy called Canadian males apathetic. Whatever.

Commentary: Sorry, Lars. You know why.

Monday, July 25 - My message to Telus. "Your labour problems are important to me...Please stay on the line an wait for the next available operator. Your labour problems are important to me...Please stay on the line or wait for the next available..."

Tuesday, July 26 - A couple of B.C. men dug a tunnel beneath the U.S. border so they could smuggle pot into the U.S. "Hey, there was no hockey," one of them said. "We had to fill the time somehow."

Wednesday, July 27 - Bands coming through town over the next few months include: System of a Down, Queensryche, Motley Crue (again!), Judas Priest, Megadeth, Anthrax, KMFDM, and Nine Inch Nails. It's a great time for metal fans...and a terrible time for metal fans' credit cards

Thursday, July 28 - With all my metalhead buddies off to watch the Sounds of the Underground show at Rexall and my goth posse attending the Pocket Universe show at New City, it's a great night to dust off the old Kylie Minogue albums.

Friday, July 29 - I'm still upset that guy called me apathetic. There are lots of issues I care deeply about--such as the Klassic Kung Fu Kollection on DVD and my Big Brother 6 Fantasy Team.

Saturday, July 30 - The Danish are coming! The Danish are coming! I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm willing to fight with every drop of blood in my body to defend Hans Island's exalted shores...too bad I have no idea where it is.

Sunday, July 31 - We'll fight them on the beaches. We'll fight them on the landing grounds. We'll fight them on the mainland, in the bars, and by the foosball tables. We'll defend our island. If the Danish invade, they'll face the toddler of all battles.

Latest News

Upcoming Gigs:

Friday, September 2 - Yuk Yuks (co-middling)
Saturday, September 3 Yuk Yuks (co-middling)

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the ed magazine supplement to the Edmonton Journal.

-I've been writing a few profiles this month for ed magazine. In addition to singer/songwriter CHRISTINA SCHMOLKE, I've written about a suspension artist/DJ/metal artist named SCOTT "DJ DERVISH" Fox, who will be doing some suspension on August 13 at Dragon FX in Kingsway Mall. For tix, contact bagofskin@gmail.com To see a sneak preview, check Scott out at www.lanejensen.com. I'm also working on an article about "YOUNG LION" BOBBY SHARP the 16 year old wrestling phenom who is the reigning MPW Junior Heavyweight Champion. He'll be defending his title against "ALL STAR" TOM MACDONALD at the MPW Back to School Extravaganza on September 3 (why not go to the show, and then come by Yuk Yuks to watch my comedy--an entertainment double feature). I've seen both Bobby and Tom wrestle, so I think if you're a rasslin' fan (and who isn't?), you should go to www.monsterprowrestling.com and see how you can get tickets.

-I just found out that PAUL MYREHAUG will be the MC on my first two co-middling performances at Yuk Yuks. Paul also was the MC the first night I went on stage doing comedy back in October 2004. Strange, but cool. I hope you're writing this down--this kind of trivia might be worth something some day.

-headLINES should be up in a couple days, with or without commentary (I know, I'm getting lazier--or possibly just less self-indulgent)

-Looks like OLIVIA CHENG is really living her dream--getting raped by DWIGHT YOAKAM. Olivia's got a part as a Chinese prostitute in a movie starring none other than ROBERT DUVALL. She wasn't kidding a few weeks ago when she said she had big things in store. I have to admit to being a bit jealous--after all, I'm a huge Dwight Yoakam fan.

-Incidentally, I caught a couple of great acts at the Folk Fest this year: The WARSAW VILLAGE BAND and RUTHIE FOSTER. If you get a chance to check them out, I'd recommend them. If your of a more metallic slant, BILL GEE made me a compilation disc of some acts, and I'm really digging a group called TRIVIUM.

Update

Upcoming Comedy
Friday, September 2 - Yuk Yuks
Saturday, September 3 - Yuk Yuks

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the ed section of the Edmonton Journal.

-Not much to report this week, at least nothing that would interest anyone. Behind the scenes, I'm busy as ever, but writing and rehearsing is never as fun to read about as all the excitment of the finished product.

-I met DEREK EDWARDS last night. He's one of the top comics in Canada, and he had some nice things to say about my work. He doesn't seem to get a lot of publicity, but he's at Yuk Yuks all weekend so be sure to go see him. You know how sometimes the movies say, "If you see just one movie this year..?" Well if you see just one live comedy show this year, go watch Derek. WINSTON HERBERT, another funny guy, who's been doing some music with KERRY UNGER is hosting and TODD K (www.toddk.ca for some of the most addictive games on the net) and STEVE MCCARTHY are also on the bill.

-The last few weeks at Blue Chicago (hosted by KATHLEEN MCGEE--but you knew that already) have been a lot of fun, not just for the shows, but for hanging out with other comics. A couple weeks ago MAX MAULT had us in hysterics with his inability to distinguish between a rye and Coke and a rum and Coke despite his wild assertions to the contrary("I'm a BARTENDER! I'm a professional! I CAN tell the difference!) and last week I had a great time just chillin' with Kathleen, ANDREW IWANYK, and TRAVIS ROBINSON after the show. Good times.

-July headLINES should be up next week.

UPCOMING GIGS
Thursday, July 28 - Yuk Yuks
Friday, September 2 - Yuk Yuks
Saturday, September 3 -Yuk Yuks

Writing
-Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal's ed magazine.
-Dan Brodribb's short story 'Glass Houses' can be found in the anthology 'Cold Flesh' available through Hellbound books at www.hellboundbooks.com

-I got a nice feature in the Journal on Friday about my dad's suit. The funny thing is, I didn't know it was running that day, so I nearly missed it. I was really happy with the picture. The photo shoot was a lot of fun, and the photographer (I remember her name as Candice, but I've been wrong before) did a great job as did my 'director' Caroline.

-I finally got my copy of Cold Flesh. It looks great, and if you're a fan of the zombie literature, you can pick it up through www.hellboundbooks.com

-Good luck to everyone who went out to audition for that Jesse James movie whose title I can't remember. I heard there was a line of people stretching all around the hotel where they were auditioning, so just making it inside the building is an accomplishment.

-Finally, I'm waiting on an article about CHRISTINA SCHMOLKE to see print. She's a fantastic singer/songwriter and she'll be the house musician at THE MELTING POT restaraunt once September rolls around. She's just finishing up a new demo, so see her now for free while you have the chance. She's got the talent to go very far.

-Those of you with strong stomachs might want to check out the SUSPENSION BARBECUE on August 13. Suspension is where they take a willing participant (in this case, my good friend DJ DERVISH) and hang him from hooks. Don't try this at home kids. Anyway, tickets are 20 bucks and it starts at 6 pm at 20910-7th avenue.

Update (need a better title)

Upcoming Comedy Dates
Sunday, July 17 - The Comic Strip (5 min)
Monday, July 18 - Blue Chicago
Sunday, July 24 - The Comic Strip (5 min)
Monday, July 24 - Blue Chicago
Thursday, July 28 - Yuk Yuks (10 min)

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal's ed magazine supplement

-One of my columns might be getting a feature position in the Journal. I'm looking forward to that. Ultimately, I'd like to be writing humor columns on a weekly basis, but we'll have to see. My schedule is getting pretty tight.

-I did a little acting in a video shoot for the United Way last week. It was great getting back in front of the camera again. Time to start clearing a shelf for my Academy Award. The United Way is a great organization and they do a lot for the community, so if you can find time or money to donate, it all goes back into helping various community organizations, so ultimately it's coming back to all of us.

-I got a note from the Walt Hicks at Hellbound Books (www.hellboundbooks.com). My contributor's copy of 'Cold Flesh' is in the mail, which of course includes my short story 'Glass Houses.' I can't wait to read some of the other stories in it. Go to the website to find out how you can get your own copy. If you bring it to a show, I'd even be happy to sign it--you never know--it might be worth something someday.

-I'm really enjoying working on comedy at BLUE CHICAGO every Monday. They have great fries and steaks, and it's a great room to work on new things in and watch other comics do new things. If you're the kind of person who doesn't mind expecting the unexpected, or if you've ever wanted to try comedy yourself, why not give it a try? KATHLEEN MCGEE hosts, and she loves seeing new blood on stage (not literally). We're a pretty supportive group, so if you want to come down and see if you have what it takes, you're always welcome.

-I did a show in Fairview last Thursday with TYLER HAWKINS, a very funny comedian. We spent the whole drive talking about 80s metal, 80s TV shows, and dinosaurs. Good times.

June headLINES

Ta Daa!

Wednesday, June 1 - Ex-American Idol contestant Corey Clark is upset at an SNL skit spoofing his alleged affair with judge Paula Abdul. He doesn't think people are respecting his accomplishments. What accomplishment? Most people have 'losing a talent show' on their resume by sixth grade.

Thursday, June 2 - Women are reporting that birth control pills are lowering their sex drive. At least that's the excuse they're using when they don't want to say anything bad about their husband's new moustache.

Friday, June 3 - Meanwhile, men are reporting that Viagra is causing blindness among some users. At least that's the excuse they're using when their wife finds them in bed with the woman next door.

COMMENTARY: There were no headlines for June 4-12. I got squeezed out due to lack of space.

Saturday, June 11 - Bad news for Esks fans as Ricky Ray will be sidelined for a game with a knee injury, meaning the team is down to just 1 604 quarterbacks.

Sunday, June 12 - Russell Crowe signs an endorsement deal with a famous phone company. They're even bringing back their old slogan: "Reach out and Touch Someone."

Monday, June 13 - The EPS chief has vowed a crackdown after a racist e-mail containing "10 Ways to deal with natives" circulated through the department. Normally I'd recommend police to leave the top-10 lists to ed and concentrate on doing what they do best, but I want to be able to drink at Overtime in peace.

COMMENTARY: If you’re a police officer reading this…sorry. I recognize it’s a tough job, but you guys have been making yourselves easy targets lately. Still, I should probably stop doing the same.

Tuesday, June 14 - Since every other article in this issue is about the Edmonton Eskimos, can I write ONE NBA joke? Just one? You see, there's this thing going being decided in basketball right now called a "championship..." Sigh. Why do I even bother?

Wednesday, June 15 - Apparently U.S President George W. Bush had better
marks in college than the Democratic challenger John Kerry. That was close--the last thing the U.S. needs is a stupid president.

Thursday, June 16 - In Detroit, during the NBA finals a fan throws a half-full cup of beer at San Antonio Spurs' guard, Tony Parker who hails from France. Parker immediately surrenders.

Friday, June 17 - My native friend's message to the police re: the
infamous top 10 list: "E-mail jokes to each other all you want, just stop SHOOTING me already."

Saturday, June 18 - Flooding is the latest natural disaster to hit Alberta, leaving most of Calgary submerged. The Calgary Stampede will go ahead as planned, although this is the first year participants and horses in the chuckwagon races have had to be equipped with snorkels.

Sunday, June 19 - NBA officials deny that their referees are either incompetent or out-and-out biased in favor of the home team. To ensure that game five in Detroit is called squarely down the middle, they've even appointed a special guest referee--Kid Rock.

Monday, June 20 - How come Edmonton Pride week is ten days long? I don't mind our mayor signing off on gay pride, but a ten-day week? This metric system is getting way out of hand.

Tuesday, June 21 - I don't want to say NBA referees are bad, but the guy working game 6 of the finals is the only ref ever kicked off of Wrestlemania for incompetence. NBA Commisioner David Stern counters allegations of referee corruption, pointing out, "If the playoffs were fixed, do you think we'd be watching a Spurs-Pistons finals?"

Wednesday, June 22 - Between the forest fires, floods, and droughts that have plagued this province over the past few years, I'm beginning to think Mother Nature is trying to tell us something. If a volcano erupts and buries Spruce Grove under a sea of molten lava, I'm moving.

Thursday, June 23 - According to a new study, exposure to sunlight helps reduce the risk of prostate cancer. But how do you tan where the sun don't shine?

Friday, June 24 - I think the show Celebrity Boxing would be a lot better if they only had one celebrity...against one real boxer. I'd like to see Sergio 'The Latin Snake' Mora take on Bob Saget. That would be a funny home video.

COMMENTARY: This is a variation of a throwaway line I came up with in Fairview. KERRY UNGER told me it would make a good joke. I tried this one live, and he was right…but that’s why he’s Kerry Unger.

This week, in honour of Canada Day, we take a look back at some great headLINES moments from Canadian history.

Saturday, June 25 - (1001 AD) Vikings arrive on the coast of Nefoundland. They are unable to find work, and immediately move to Fort McMurray.

Sunday, June 26 - (1836) Aspiring lawyer and politician Sir John A. MacDonald is admitted to the bar of Upper Canada. It takes the bartender, two waitresses, and six bouncers to get him out again.

Monday, June 27 - (September 9, 1972) Maybe the reason the Canadian hockey team has played so poorly at home against the USSR is the dollar bill we buried under the ice is getting all soggy. Next time, maybe we should try a coin or something.

Tuesday, June 28 - (July 14, 1985) Boy, that Live Aid show was one for the ages. I wonder if they'll ever do something like that again only with Canadian acts.

Wednesday, June 29 - (December 13, 1985) Platinum Blonde is the raddest band ever. In thirty years, we'll still be talking about 'Alien Shores.' It's 'The White Album' of our generation.

Thursday, June 30 - (January 31, 2003) Say what you will about the EPS, they're way tougher than the Collier County Deputies that arrested Alex Lifeson on New Year's. Six officers with tasers and truncheons to take down the lead guitarist for Rush? That's not a story I'd be telling back at the station.

Update

UPCOMING GIGS
COMEDY
-Thursday, June 30 - Yuk Yuks Edmonton (guest spot) (CANCELLED)
-Tuesday, July 12 - The Blarney Stone, Lethbridge
-Thursday, July 14 - Grand Hotel, Fairview
-Sunday, July 17, Edmonton-The Comic Strip (guest spot)
-Sunday, July 24, Edmonton- The Comic Strip (guest spot)

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal's ed magazine.

-In case you're wondering, KENDALL GAWRYLUK won Comedy Idol, with SEAN LECOMBER finishing second. Thanks to everyone at Yuks, as well as our judges (HOLLY ROBSON from K-Rock, STEVE TILLEY from the EDMONTON SUN, Yuks' CHRYSI RUBIN, and comic ANDREW GROSE), and of course the people who came out and supported us. It was a great time.

-Metro Cinema and FAVA are working together to screen some short films by a bunch of local filmmakers. And Brodribb-philes will spot me doing a cameo in GEO (I'm not even going to try and spell his last name--but if someone wants to e-mail me the correct spelling, I'd appreciate it)'s 16mm movie, "Accord."

-I caught HARLAND WILLIAMS at Yuks on Saturday, although TOBY HARGRAVES, a very funny guy, plied me with alcohol that I was seeing two Harland's by the end of the night. Toby's a great guy, who's soon moving to Vancouver, but if you get a chance to see him, he has some very funny bits, especially if you like thoughtful, political comedy.

-DARYL MAKK--who MC'd Comedy Idol let me know about Vex magazine, a men's magazine based out of Calgary. I just got a copy, and it's pretty cool. Find out what it's all about at www.vexmagazine.com

Comedy Idol & Updates

-The finalists have been decided for tonight's Comedy Idol showdown. KENDALL GAWRYLUK took the Judge's Choice, and KELLY SOLODUKA won the People's Choice. SHAWN GRAMIUK and POWERMANN also had fantastic sets. Judge and EDMONTON SUN columnist STEVE TILLEY put it best when he commented that basically three or four guys had great sets. Two of them would advance and two of them would get screwed.

For those of you keeping score at home, this is the line-up for the Finals tonight at Yuk Yuks:
J.P FOURNIER
STEVE MCCARTHY
SEAN LECOMBER
ANGIE ISMOND
DAN BRODRIBB
MARK SALAMANDICK
ANDREW IWANYK
TRAVIS ROBINSON
KENDALL GAWRYLUK
KELLY SOLODUKA

Looking at the list of finalists, not only are they very good comedians, they're all great people as well. It should be a great night. The Edmonton comedy scene has always been very supportive. Even a lot of the local professionals have been coming down to watch the shows and give us tips and support. I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be doing comedy.

One of the reasons I hate comedy and writing contests is because it implies that the comedians or writers who end up in the prize rounds are 'better' than the ones who didn't. In the case of Comedy Idol, a lot of guys didn't make it to the finals simply because of the numbers game--NAVIN PRATAP, SHAWN GRAMIUK, POWERMANN, and TODD KREPAKEVICH are all fine comics and deserve to be seen. The good news is, all of them perform around town on a fairly regular basis, which mean there should be plenty of opportunities for you (yes, I mean you personally) to go out and see them either at the comedy clubs or the open mics around town like Blue Chicago (organized by KATHLEEN MCGEE) , Brado's (sp?) (organized by SEAN BAPTISTE) and a couple rooms run by BRIAN HEGGE.

-JEFF L. BURKE is starting work on his first feature film called FRITZ, and I auditioned for a part. This is a project Jeff has been working on for sometime, so it's great to see him finally getting the opportunity to realize his dream. I wish him all the best.

Comedy Idol

UPCOMING DATES:
Comedy:
Saturday, June 18 - Waugh Hall, Waugh, Alberta
Sunday, June 19 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Wednesday, June 22 - Yuk Yuks, Comedy Idol Finals
Tuesday, July 12 - The Blarney Stone, Lethbridge, Alberta
Thursday, July 14 - Grand Hotel, Fairview, Alberta

Writing:
-Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the ed magazine supplement to the Edmonton Journal
-Columns in the Journal's Living Section every Sunday through June


-Another fantastic week at Comedy Idol. ANDREW IWANYK won the judge's choice with a great set. TRAVIS ROBINSON was solid and polished and good enough to win the People's Choice. BILL GEE was his usual rage-filled self. He's reminds me of a Cabbage Patch Kid infected with the '28 Days Later' virus. JAMES KERR had a really funny bit about bees. MATTHEW WOJCICKI was a pleasant surprise. "Moon Unit" MAX MAULT pulled a hamstring at some point in his scenery-chewing performance piece(He's the Cactus Jack of comedy--The only thing he hasn't done yet is throw himself through the brick wall at the back of the stage.). Never let it be said that we don't suffer for our art.

--ANDREW "Eagle-Eye" IWANYK picked Journal and Global media personality OLIVIA CHENG (www.oliviacheng.com) out of the crowd at BLUE CHICAGO on Monday (What? You weren't there? You're missing out). He convinced me to introduce myself, and I learned that there are some pretty big things in her future...but I don't want to ruin the surprise. Who knows what celebrities we'll see next Mondays at Blue Chicago? Come on down and find out.

May headLINES and Comedy Idol report

UPCOMING DATES:
Comedy:
Thursday, June 8 - Fairview, Alberta w/KERRY UNGER
Saturday, June 18 - Gigglefest 2005 - Waugh, Alberta
Sunday, June, 19 - The Comic Strip (guest spot)
Wednesday, June 22 Comedy Idol Finals at Yuk Yuks-
Tuesday, July 12 - Lethbridge, Alberta
Thursday, July 14 - Fairview, Alberta

Writing:
-Columns appearing through June in the Sunday Living section of the Edmonton Journal.
-Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the Journal's ed magazine (except this Saturday for space reasons)
-My short stroy "Glass Houses" appears in the zombie anthology Cold Flesh. For information on getting a copy, check out www.hellboundbooks.com


-MARK SALAMANDICK and I advanced to the Comedy Idol finals, which will be held on June 22 at Yuk Yuks. I decided to try Angie Ismond's way of preparing for a show--working myself into a frenzy of near-hysterical terror and hoping it comes off on stage as 'intensity.' The good news is I won; the bad new is my set was fundamentally sloppy and I had worked myself into such a fever pitch it took me until five o'clock the next afternoon to actually start relaxing again. I suspect any short-term benefits of the Ismond Method are outweighed by the long-term side-effects, at least for me.

-In a weird way, the highlight of the night was CECIL GARFIN's set. Say what you will about Cecil's future prospects in comedy (which are--to put it mildly--rather dim), I learned something from him. He might be the most technically horrific comedian in human history, but he remembered to have a good time on stage and he got off when the light started flashing, so judges choice aside, he still finished way ahead of me in my book.

-At the last minute I got asked to go to Fairview with Kerry Unger. I've spoken about him in past posts. He seems to be a great guy and I love the cut of his joke-writing jib, so I'm looking forward to picking his brain.

-I've begun work on the script for the zombie film. I've been bouncing ideas off the director and producer, and am starting to massage the story into shape. Ahh, preproduction. Funny that all the glitz and glamor in the movies starts with one guy sitting in his sweatpants swearing at a blank Word document.

(Added June 10) Comedian TODD KREPAKEVICH made a nice mention of me on his website (www.toddk.ca) when he said "that Dan boy, he just gets better and better all the time." I'm not sure if he was referring to my comedy or the my high scores on the games section of his web page. Check out the Memory Game and see some funny faces--score a Yahtzee and get a cool surprise.

on to headLINES:

Sunday, May 1 - One of my friends was appalled to discover that his new almost-girfriend was wearing a special bra that mimics implants. "I thought she had fake breasts, but she was only pretending," he complained. "If she can't afford the surgery, there's no way she can pay off my MasterCard. Next time, I'm asking to see the scars first."

COMMENTARY: This was inspired by an article written by the great Misty Harris.

Monday, May 2 - Like hockey? Enjoy drowning? Check out www.edmontonunderwaterhockey.com. What's next: Curling in space? Why not? Ferbey's already beaten everyone on THIS planet.

Tuesday, May 3 - Hard to believe this is Reggie Miller's final NBA play-offs. Retiring or not, if the fate of the world ever hinges on a last second three-point jump shot, I know who I'd call.

Wednesday, May 4 - One of my friends is taking karate classes and isn't sure she can handle it. This is the same girl who joined a hockey league and started a fight in her first game. Too bad it was with a member of her own team. She said, "The bitch was wearing the same outfit as me."

COMMENTARY: Believe it or not, this joke took me months to write, and I’m still not completely satisfied with it. Also, for someone who writes topical material, putting out a hockey joke in spring might not be much of a testament to my skills.

Thursday, May 5 - Looks like we may have an election this spring or summer. Now all we need is someone worth voting for.

COMMMENTARY: Bleh. This joke is as old as democracy. It was a ‘filler’ line I forgot to replace. I take a lot of pride in writing my own material, so seeing this in print was tough to take.

Friday, May 6- Paris Hilton is in a movie called 'House of Wax' about a bunch of people trapped in a museum with some wax statues. "They're so life-like," coos one of the characters about the statues. Too bad we couldn't say the same for Paris' acting.

Saturday, May 7 - After learning that I'd never seen the movie Dirty Dancing, a woman I know forced me to watch it. I did NOT have the time of my life.

Sunday, May 8 - Steve Nash becomes the first Canadian to win the NBA's Most Valuable Player award. As one of only fourteen basketball fans in Canada, I hate to be an I-told-you-so but...who am I kidding? I never saw this coming.

Monday, May 9 - During game 1 of the Pistons-Pacers NBA series, Ron Artest--who was suspended for his role in a brawl between the two teams back in November runs out of the stands and attacks the Pistons, using a chair to knock out Tayshaun Prince and then choke-slamming Rip Hamilton through a table. Now that's basketball.

Tuesday, May 10 - Lots of exciting stuff happening in a couple of weeks. Local zombie movie "Kill & Kleen" opens, Comedy Idol gets underway...and Boston Rob and Amber are getting married on TV. Looks like I'm going to have to take time off work.

Wednesday, May11 - Members of the Texas House of Representatives wave pom-poms to celebrate the passing of the 'Sexy Cheerleader Bill.' No word on how they're going to celebrate the passing of the 'Naughty Schoolgirl Bill' later this week, but I don't like the look of those plaid skirts.

Thursday, May 12 - My friend's on vacation in France, but the language barrier is causing problems for her. Someone asked how she was doing, and she couldn't remember the French word for 'comme-ci comme-ca.'

Friday, May 13 - They say Friday the 13th is bad luck, but so far it's been great. I spent all day getting ready for a date with a very special lady this weekend. I'm very excited. Last year, I completely forgot about Mother's Day.

Saturday, May 14 - Local band Mammoth plays their last show. They didn't get the same send-off as Everybody Loves Raymond, but their fans will miss them all the same.

Sunday, May 15 - On Survivor, firefighter Tom escapes the Ghosts of the Ulong with a million dollars. His co-workers are happy to have him back, except for the fact that every time he's on shift, the temperature drops and the firehouse walls start bleeding.

Monday, May 16 - World Hockey officials discover the reason the Czech Republic won the gold-medal game is because they had buried a 50 Koruna bill beneath centre ice. Even the hockey gods are all about the money now.

COMMENTARY: The Czech Republic currency is called the Koruna after the Czech word for Crown. I like to educate as well as entertain.

Tuesday, May 17 - CSIS warns parents that al-Qaeda is scouring the internet recruiting disaffected Canadian teens. It's a short step from downloading MP3s and shoplifing AFI hoodies to fighting a holy war. Think of all the weapons they could hide in those baggy pants.

Wednesday, May 18 - The Jennifer Wilbanks story continues to capture the public imagination. She was the 'runaway bride' who led investigators on an amazing race. Boston Rob and Amber are furious, claiming "That's our gimmick!" They're planning on suing Wilbanks for stealing four of their fifteen minutes of fame.

Thursday, May 19 - Conservatives are angry they had to come in today to vote on the government's future. "It should have been decided last week," one Grit said. "Now we have to rush to be ready for the Star Wars premiere. Stormtrooper helmets don't paint themselves, you know."

Friday, May 20 - Hollywood released a movie called Alien vs. Predator a while back under the tagline: "No matter who wins...we lose." Who knew they were talking about the Canadian Federal Legislature?

Saturday, May 21 - Saddam Hussein: Lousy leader...worse underwear model. If that's Victoria's secret, I wish she'd kept it.

Sunday, May 22 - This has been one of the most exciting NBA playoffs ever, and it's only getting better. The NBA plans to take advantage of their momentum this summer with a fast-paced and electrifying LOCKOUT! The NBA has many charms, but learning from other sports' mistakes isn't one of them.

COMMENTARY: I don’t know why, but these playoffs have been electrifying. Reggie Miller’s retirement, the Bulls comeback, the Nash/Shaq MVP controversy, the four-way dance between the Heat, Pistons, Spurs, and Suns…any one of which could conceivably take the gold…it’s been fantastic.

Monday, May 23 - A black bear is filing suit against the city after being taken down on the way to his job doing voice work for radio station 1000.3. EPS deny the charges, claiming they tasered the bear because he was resisting arrest and not because he was black.

Tuesday, May 24 - The Royal visit was nearly a disaster as the Queen was completely unprepared for her meeting with Ralph Klein. She had to borrow Rod Love's fishing rod.

Wednesday, May 25 - Metal Edge, a heavy metal magazine, is celebrating its 20th anniversary this month. It's too bad glam-metal is over. Don Dokken would look very pretty jumping out of a cake.

COMMENTARY: You all remember Don Dokken, right? Right? Sigh.

Thursday, May 26 - Website of the Week: Check out www.nathanchase.com to hear the new Nine Inch Nails single remixed with Ray Parker Jr.'s "Ghostbusters" and Britney Spears "Toxic." Some people have too much time on their hands--and without them the world would be a much duller place.

Friday, May 27 - Don Dokken and Saddam Hussein were unfortunately unavailable to jump out of the cake at Metal Edge's anniversary bash. They tried to get Bo Bice as a last-minute replacement, but when they called, Paula Abdul answered the phone.

COMMENTARY: My first heavy metal album was Dokken’s ‘Tooth and Nail’ on cassette. I wish more people remembered them. It’s a funny name.

Saturday, May 28 -- At the Monster Pro Wrestling show, local boys Kris Knight and "Allstar" Tom MacDonald put on one of the best matches I've ever seen. The best part: Meeting Knight's mother in the hallway outside: "I can't believe he smashed the toy truck I gave him for Christmas over 'Allstar's' head." Next time you decide to try a DDT through a chain link fence, young man, maybe you should think about what you're doing to your mother.

COMMENTARY: True story. Also a great match, and a good bunch of guys. Show them love at www.monsterprowrestling.com

Sunday, May 29 - France says rejects the EU constitution, throwing the European bloc into chaos. Canada offers to send Brian Mulroney to help mediate the chaos. I hear Meech Lake is beautiful this time of year...

COMMENTARY: History repeats itself. It’s a good thing I paid attention that day in Social Studies.

Monday, May 30- A U.S. research vessel reports they've discovered the remains of the lost island of Atlantis off the Atlantic coast. Apparently the capital of Atlantis is 'Halifax.'

Tuesday, May 31 - As a cost-saving measure, the federal government announces plans to replace our military personnel with clowns. That way all our forces can fit into one tank.

COMMENTARY: I like this joke enough that I coupled it with my other military joke from way back on January 18 and included them in my stand-up set.

Comedy Idol Update

UPCOMING EVENTS
Comedy:
Sunday, June 5 - The Comic Strip
Tuesday, June 7 - Yuk Yuks (Comedy Idol)
Saturday, June 18 - GiggleFest 2005, Waugh, AB
Sunday, June 19 - The Comic Strip

Writing:
-Dan Brodribb’s humor columns will be appearing in the Sunday Living section of the Edmonton Journal through the month of June
-headLINES appears every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal’s ed magazine supplement.

I told you. I told you Comedy Idol would be great last night, and if you were at Yuk Yuks, I was proved right. A red hot SEAN LECOMBER took the stage with something to prove, and he was a comedy wrecking ball up there and won the judges pick to advance to the finals on June 22. But to me the highlight of the night is the fact that in addtion to winning the People's Choice award, ANGIE ISMOND finally caught the eye of some key people in our business.

To use an NBA comparison (which is probably wasted here in hockey-obsessed Canada) If Sean is Shaquille O’ Neal; a dominating force who is nigh-unstoppable when he’s motivated--then Angie is Steve Nash. Like Nash, she’s unpredictable, a virtuoso improviser and able to make something out of nothing. The Angie/Steve Nash comparison also works because will always have to deal with inevitable but often unspoken stigma through no fault of their own (Nash is a white basketball player; Angie is a female comic). Finally, both have glaring holes in their respective games (Nash’s defensive shortcomings; Angie’s self-asphyxiating insecurity)

But that’s where the comparison breaks down. Nash is 30 years old, at his peak if not on the downward slope of his career.

Angie is 21.

So if we’re going to call Sean, Shaq, maybe it would be more appropriate to compare Angie to Dwayne Wade. At the beginning of the season ESPN sportswriter Bill Simmons wrote something like: “Everyone going to a Miami Heat game buys a ticket to see Shaq, and leaves thinking: ‘Man, is Dwayne Wade ever good.’” That pretty much sums up last night.

-A good friend of mine, singer/songwriter Vic de Sousa (www.vicdesousa.com) has put together a comedy show called GiggleFest 2005 at the Waugh 45 minutes east of Edmonton. Tickets are I’ll be MCing the show, which will feature the NAVIN ’The Disco Hindu’ PRATAP, PAUL PRINGLE, TIM KUBASEK, and headlinger BOB ANGELI. I’ve don’t know Bob, but I’ve met Tim and Paul in passing and they’re both good guys. I’m looking forward to sharing a stage with Navin again, since along with Angie, he was one of the people I hung out with when I first started getting into comedy less than a year ago. Coincidentally, we’ll also be sharing the Comedy Idol next Tuesday at Yuks, so come on down and watch the magic happen.

Updates, May 30

Upcoming Comedy Dates
Monday, May 30 - Blue Chicago (142 street and Stony Plain Road)
Sunday, June 5 - The Comic Strip
Tuesday, June 7 - Yuk Yuks (COMEDY IDOL contest--www.comedyidol.ca)
Saturday, June 18 - GiggleFest 2005 at Waugh Hall in Waugh, Alberta
Sunday, June 19 - The Comic Strip

Writing
-check out Dan Brodribb's headLINES every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal's ed magazine.
-Humor columns by Dan Brodribb will be running for the next four Sundays in the Journal's Living section

-Both "Kill N' Kleen" and "Choice/No Choice,"two movies in which I had supporting roles, premiered last Wednesday. I made it to Kill N' Kleen just as the show was ending. It was like a sea of punks--leather and piercings and colored hair everywhere. Awesome. God bless them for supporting local film. The fact it was a zombie flick didn't hurt. Watching the 990 Films guys and gals, I was thrilled for them. There's nothing more exciting than seeing people living their dreams. Upcoming projects from the 990 crew include a documentary on child prostitution, and they're also making tentative plans to film a second zombie film featuring a screenplay by...ME! Hooray!

-I also saw some fantastic wrestling at a local Monster Pro Wrestling card (www.monsterprowrestling.com). Not only did the wrestlers have some nice-looking moves and went out of their way to bring the fans into the action, the rest of the MPW crew was friendly and welcoming. If you like wrasslin,' I really encourage you to check them out. Last paragraph I said there's nothing like watching people doing something they love, and the Monster Pro Wrestling organization seems really passionate about what they do.

-Last Friday SEAN BAPTISTE arranged for himself, LARS CALLIEOU, and SHAWN GRAMIAK to do some comedy outside CBC radio downtown during lunch hour. Most comedy vets believe that doing comedy during the day, and in a mall, does not make for great shows, but the boys did a fine job. Afterwards, they were interviewed and Lars was kind enough to plug me and a few of the other local comics who were there (MARK SALAMANDICK, J.P. FOURNIER, and TRAVIS ROBINSON).

-Remember tomorrow's Comedy Idol show--I already talked about how much I'm looking forward to seeing tomorow's line-up. Look at last week's posting if you want the details. Either way, you should be there. For those of you wondering or who haven't looked at the schedule on the website (www.comedyidol.ca), yet, I'm up next week along with Mark, NAVIN PRATAP, KATHLEEN MCGEE, JONATHAN TAPLEY, JAMES WYNTERS, CECIL GARFIN, and RYAN PATERSON.

-I'll post April's headLINES next week. In the meantime, I'll be at Blue Chicago tonight if you want to come down and let me know what you think.

Take care,

Dan

comedy idol

The Comedy Idol website is up and running. at www.comedyidol.ca. Go have a look. You can finally see what all these guys I talk about look like. Come to a show while you're at it. The line-ups look great, so no matter which night or nights you come, you should be in for a entertaining show. Appearing tonight are: STEVE MCCARTHY, J.P. FOURNIER, ED WENDE, BRANDON FRANSON, FRANK SCHMOLKE, KRISSY STARK, and MIKE TREADWELL. Sadly, I won't be able to make the show. Personally, I'm pulling for Ed Wende, but I predict Steve and J.P. advance to the finals.

Go to the show tonight, or check out the website tomorrow and let me know how I did. Next week's show looks awesome and there's no way I'm missing it. In addition to the outrageously funny SEAN LECOMBER and always dependable TODD KREPAKEVICH, we'll see ANGIE ISMOND, who I think as much or more raw potential as anyone I've seen. DANNY ACAPELLA and his unique delivery will be there as well, plus BRIAN HEGGE (and his tweaker bit? We can only hold our breath and hope). JEFF NEESER and BARBARA MAY will round out the show. I'm not even going to try and predict winners...I'm just going to go and laugh myself into a coma.

If you never been to Blue Chicago on 142 street and Stony Plain road, you should drop by. In addition to live comedy every Monday (presented by the always enthusiastic KATHLEEN MCGEE) they have a great special on steak sandwiches. Yum!

I felt like a rock star after Sunday's Comic Strip show. Some of the other comedians and I went to Sherlock Holmes' Pub afterwards. Some of the audience members joined us and were buying drinks. I even got to entertain a couple of beautiful women, although to be honest, they only had eyes for ANDREW IWANYK. He's a heartbreaker, that one.

The Joke Whisperer

UPCOMING STUFF
Comedy:
Tuesday, June 7 - Yuk Yuks Comedy Idol

Writing:
-Comedy Idol article, Saturday, May 21--ed Magazine
-Seven Sins of Highly Ineffective People (seven part series) -Every Sunday in the Edmonton Journal's Living Section
-Read Dan Brodribb's headLINES every Saturday in the ed magazine supplement to the Edmonton Journal

Tuesday I opened my e-mail to find this missive from the Journal: "We need some jokes on Belinda Stronach ASAP."

And I thought...Who?

Yet within the hour I was banging out jokes--under a deadline--about a woman who I hadn't even known existed forty minutes previous. It was awesome.

The best part of writing topical humor is that it's an ever-shifting landscape. You never know what you'll be writing about, and once it's written, you never know how long it will be before the joke loses it's shine (Except for Michael Jackson jokes. They never go out of style). Three weeks ago I had to bid adieu to a great bit on "The Bachelor." It was sad to see it go--especially so close to Comedy Idol--but topical jokes have short lifespans, and since I had worked that joke like a government mule for a month, I guess it could be retired with full honors.

Besides, then I get to write some more.

I can't explain the joy I get out of writing jokes. Nothing else comes close. I love that moment of inspiration that makes you laugh out loud and give yourself a high-five, even as the person beside you on the bus is getting up and moving to another seat. I love taking a joke apart, playing with the words, writing and rewriting until it's like a perfectly streamlined, exquisitely balanced marvel of humor technology. A joke isn't so much written as it is engineered.

You can craft the technically perfect joke. You can hone it to perfection,. You can run it through computer simulations to wild digital applause ("It looks like you're trying to write a Closer. Windows can help..."). But in the end, the audience decides what is funny, and all too often, what you thought was a Porsche explodes in your face like a Pinto.

(You can also have the opposite happen. Two of my most succesful jokes came about completely by accident. Furthermore, some people--I'm looking at you MAX MAULT--manage to be funny with no regard for technique. KELLY DEKUS?DAKUS(?)'s jokes are not engineered--they're clanking joke behemoths that look like they were assembled from scrap iron and spare parts from a washing machine. They lurch across the country side--parts falling off, metal sticking up in all directions, flattening houses and powerlines, and still managing to be hysterically funny despite an apalling disregard for aesthetics. It kind of pisses me off, actually. I feel like those scientists who couldn't figure out how a bumblebee could support its weight with such tiny wings. I'm flummoxed. Watching Max onstage, half of me is laughing till my stomach hurts while the other half is raging, "How can that work? It's...it's INCORRECT.")

But you know what? that unpredictability is also part of the magic and mystery of joke-writing. A joke can be technically perfect, yet still unfunny. Comedy isn't a beauty contest--the prettiest jokes don't come in first; it's the ones with the nice personality that the audience takes home with them (don't you wish other areas of life were more like that?) And that's what makes writing such a thrill.

I wouldn't give it up for the world.

Idol Chatter

UPCOMING EVENTS
COMEDY
TUESDAY, JUNE 7 - Yuk Yuks - COMEDY IDOL (HOORAY!)
TUESDAY, MAY 17 - Yuk Yuks- 2 minute 'warm-up' spot for Comedy Idol

-I'm really excited about Comedy Idol. I found out I'll be performing on June 7. Two of my personal favorites, MARK SALAMANDICK and NAVIN are also up on the 7th, so I encourage you to come down--you won't be disappointed. If you want a sample of what you'll experience in Comedy Idol, come down to Yuks on the 17th where you'll see a parade of comedians doing two-minute demo bits. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

--"Kill N' Kleen" will premiere on May 25 at the Edmonton Art Gallery at 7:30pm. You can pick up tickets for five bucks in advance at the Naked Cafe on 10354 Jasper Avenue or e-mail 990films@gmail.com. I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it there for show time, but I'll certainly be there afterwards to sign autographs for my adoring public ("Look! It's zombie #132! He was my FAVORITE!")

--Other stuff. KATHLEEN MCGEE has started a comedy show every Monday at Blue Chicago on 142 Street and Stony Plain road. Shows like this are usually 'hidden gems' because you get to see a lot of great local guys do material they might not usually do. And because it's an open mic, you sometimes get 'surprise guests' like...oh, you thought I was going to tell you? Go check it out and discover for yourself.

--It's been a busy week this week. Between the articles I'm writing for the Journal, the final edits for 'Glass Houses,' and gearing up for Comedy Idol, I'm exhausted.

April headLINES

Friday, April 1 - One more sleep til Motley Crue! Two more sleeps til Wrestlemania! Plus Sin City and Mitch Fatel! If I were a bell, I'd ring.

COMMMENTARY: Mitch was awesome, by the way. Thanks for asking. I missed the Crue concert and Wrestlemania, though I heard Motley put on a pretty good show. For my thoughts on Sin City, see below.

Saturday, April 2 - ed writer Dan Brodribb watches Sin City with a feminist friend. I thought the movie was mostly filmed in black and white, yet all she saw was red. Jessica Alba wasn't the only woman in that theatre trying not to scream.

COMMENTARY: I found Sin City unintentionally hilarious, which is the highest form of comedy. For more on unintentional hilarity, keep reading.

Sunday, April 3 - If you were a television executive with a hit show about Desperate Housewives, would you a) ride that show like a Vegas hot-streak or B) reschedule it, pre-empt it for awards shows, and generally make it as inaccessible as possible? That's what I thought.

Monday, April 4 - Michael Jackson fans are holding a candle-light vigil for him. Anyone care to wager how many jokes with the punch-line "who died and made him Pope?" hit the Internet by the time this issue of ed sees print?

Tuesday, April 5 - Adidas debuts "the world's most intelligent shoe." Because there's nothing more embarassing than having dumb shoes. My shoes are so stupid, they think they should come in pairs of three and a half because that's how many feet there are in a meter.

Wednesday, April 6 - I love the new Billy Idol single, which contains the essential elements of any great hard rock song: a good beat, awesome guitar riffs, and unintentionally hilarious lyrics. Every time he growls about how he's "gonna get extreme," I'm overcome with giggles.

Thursday, April 7 - According to the federal opposition, the sponsorship scandal is "about to get interesting." I guess they have a lot of free time on their hands.

Friday, April 8 - The City of Edmonton is receiving a lot of complaints about strays; They're asking citizens to please remember to put collars on their bullets.

Saturday, April 9 - At last the long awaited wedding of Charles and Camilla. Not even the Royal Family can resist the power of the Chicken Dance.

Sunday, April 10 - Only ten days left in the NBA regular season, and my team can still make the playoffs if they win twenty of their last six games. I guess that's why they call it a magic number. Math kills, but hope...hope is forever.

Monday, April 11 - 'Basketball' joins 'superheroes' as topics that ed writer Dan Brodribb is no longer allowed to write about. In other news, LeBron James is bitten by a radioactive spider.

Tuesday, April 12 - While pictures of Prince William doing the 'Y' in "YMCA" dominate the British tabloids, closer to home, the provincial conservatives work on how to appeal to a younger demographic. They're now having all their polling done by OkCupid.com

Wednesday, April 13 - Om the twin subjects of websites and politics, wouldn't it rule if updates on the sponsorship scandal could be written by the woman who does the Survivor recaps on televisionwithoutpity.com? I still would't know what was going on, but at least it would be entertaining.

Thursday, April 14 - Thursday, April 14 - There's a new store by my house called Everything For A Dollar. I left a loonie on the counter and walked out with the cash register. It's not robbery--it's my way of winning the war with the seperatists. In other news, several bank robberies are foiled by a spider with the proportional strength and speed of LeBron James.

Friday, April 15 - Why is Josh Duhamel's picture on the advertising for the Edmonton Women's Show? He's not a woman. Says my father: "Yeah, but he plays one on television." My dad will not be joining the metrosexual revolution.

Saturday, April 16 - Edmonton celebrates multigenerational metal week as Helix, Motorhead, and the Donnas play gigs in the city. Gimme an ARRRRHH!

Sunday, April 17 - This close to the NBA playoffs my friends and I are struck with betting fever. I have Nash for MVP, Spurs for the champs, and Stephanie to run the table against the Kuror on Survivor.

Monday, April 18 - 18-34 year old males all over North America call in sick due to a 'chi'-draining outbreak of 'Jade Empire' flu, leaving their jobs undone. No one notices any difference.

Tuesday, April 19 - One of my Star Trek-obsessed friends is really looking forward to the upcoming Pop Culture Fair. I haven't seen him this excited since he misheard the title of Gwen Stefani's new single as "Holodeck Girl."

Wednesday, April 20 - Skinheads and costume-loving members of the Royal Family rejoice! It's Hitler's birthday. He was born in 1889, so if he were alive today, that would make him...a crazy mass-murderer. I remember this date because one of my ex-girlfriends shares a birthday with Hitler. I'd also like to say they share the same moustache, but that's the bitterness talking.

Thursday, April 21 - I just can't buy John Cena as the WWE Smackdown champ. He's a white rapper who uses a body slam as a finishing move. Giving him the belt is like giving Justin Timberlake a Vibe award. Meanwhile, on Survivor ghosts of the Ulong tribe whisper to Steph: "Join usss...Join us FOREVER!"

Friday, April 22 - For those who think video games promote violence, here's a quote from 13th century conquerer Genghis Khan: "My greatest joy is to shed my enemies' blood, wring tears from their womenfolk, and take their daughters for bedding." Think of the lives that could have been saved if he'd just had a copy of Grand Theft Auto.

COMMENTS: I love that quote. I’d like to have it on a fridge magnet.

Saturday, April 23 - No news today--I'm still recovering from the nightmares induced by the pictures of our elected officials on the front page of last Friday's Journal. Paul Martin looks like he's trying to hypnotize the reader like Thulsa Doom in "Conan the Barbarian" while Harper's mugshot makes him look like a "person of interest" in the cases of several missing Florida hitchhikers.

COMMENTS: Conan the Barbarian is one of the most quotable movies ever. It’s the ‘Caddyshack’ of the sword and sorcery genre.

Sunday, April 24 - Mariah Carey has a new album out. You remember her. The egomaniac who thinks everybody loves her, but is really just an embarassment. She's the musical equivalent of Theo Fleury.

Monday, April 25 - I've been spending way too much time with this woman I met. She's like a Nintendo Xbox--she has endless worlds to explore and she's addictive to the point where I ignore the other important things in my life...like my Playstation.

Tuesday, April 26 - I'm on a new diet called the "Freelance Writer/Comedian Diet," which involves consuming nothing but Mr. Noodles, tap water, and second hand smoke. The pounds just melt away. I look like a Survivor winner. Too bad I don't feel like a million bucks.

COMMENTARY: If anyone from Mr. Noodles is reading, I’m available for product endorsements.

Wednesday, April 27 - I got home after a late night with my new 'Xbox' to find Playstation waiting for him in the living room. I can't even look it in the eyes.

Thursday, April 28 - On Survivor, the ghosts of the Ulong possess Jeff Probst causing him to levitate, exhale a cloud of flies, and burst into flames. Watching at home, season 2 contestant Mike kicks his TV and screams, "That's my gimmick!"

Friday, April 29 - This month in Cosmopolitan magazine: "The Biggest Sex Mistakes." If Paris Hilton didn't write this article, she should have.

COMMENTARY: I’d gone nearly four months without a single Paris Hilton joke. This is the first of two in two weeks. When I fall off the wagon, I fall hard.

Saturday, April 30 - PM Paul Martin and U2 singer Bono remain best friends and enjoy their usual sleepover. Best of all, Jack Layton will let them stay up an extra hour watching TV since it isn’t a school night.

Updates

-Not much to report this week, except that I'll be posting the April headLINES on Friday night so you can enjoy them over a hearty breakfast on Saturday.

-I finished a couple of the columns that will start running in the Journal starting Sundays in the middle of May. I'm pleased to report, I'm quite happy with them so far (although really, were you expecting me to say otherwise?) I'm having quite the battle with writer's block on these columns, but I'm happy to report that the score is 3-0 in my favor so far, though these next couple weeks promise to be a bit stressful.

-I finished the galley edits for my short story "Glass Houses" which means that we're down to the wire on it. Check out www.hellboundbooks.com for the publishing schedule of Cold Flesh, the anthology in which "Glass Houses" makes its humble debut.

-Finally, I got a chance to meet comic JOHN WING at a recent show. He's a very funny fellow and a fabulous singer/songwriter as well. He gave me some tips for a new joke I'm working on. I'm always blown away by how open and approachable most comedians are when it comes to helping out the new guys. I think this will really help the comedy industry thrive, and I hope you all come out to your local comedy clubs--because for us it's all about making you guys laugh.

Dan

Weekly Update

Upcoming Comedy Gigs
Sunday, May 1--The Comic Strip (5 minute guest spot)
Tuesday, May 3 --Yuk Yuks (5 minute guest spot)

--The EDMONTON JOURNAL has agreed to run another series of my humor articles starting in mid-May. This will be a seven part series on the "Seven Sins of Highly Ineffective People." I'm polishing up the first two columns, and I'm very happy with the way they look so far.

--KILL N' KLEEN, an independent short film in which I play a zombie, is scheduled for a premiere on May 25th. They'll also be auctioning off some of the items used in the film and the profits will go to the Stollery Children's centere. I'll post details as I hear them.

--Every once and a while you see something that reminds you of why its so important to love what you do. For me, this happened on Sunday night watching DAVE ACER and RICKBRONSON on stage at the Comic Strip (www.thecomicstrip.ca). They were clearly having a great time up there, and anyone who saw it won't forget that show any time soon. Seeing them able to express the same joy I feel when I'm writing or onstage or acting was pretty inspirational. I'm probably not expressing these thoughts very well, but these aren't easy thoughts to express. It's something that has to be lived, not talked about.

Weekly Update

UPCOMING GIGS
Tuesday, April 26 - Yuk Yuks, Londonderry Mall
Sunday, May 1 - The Comic Strip, West Edmonton Mall
Tuesday, May 3 - Yuk Yuks, Londonderry Mall

Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal's ed magazine.

-Well, it's nearly Comedy Idol time, Yuk Yuks annual competition to find the best amateur comedian in the city. The contest will be running through May, so be sure to check the Edmonton Yuk Yuks website for details at www.edmontonyuks.com. There's some very talented people in the city, so come out and be the first on your block to 'discover' them.

-Sunday I had a really good show at the Comic Strip. The headliner, SCOTT HENRY, was kind enough to pass on some words of wisdom, so that's always a thrill. Afterwards, I headed down to Smok'n Joes where I caught up with SEAN BAPTISTE.

-Tuesday at Yuk Yuks MAX MAULT and POWERMANN started talking trash to one another before the show. I did what any good friend would do and egged them both on. There's nothing funnier than two comics trying to verbally out-do one another--especially in a room full of other comics. It was like the kung fu fight between Brandon Lee and Al Leong near the end of 'Rapid Fire.'

-The Extreme Comedy Challenge went well on Wednesday. TOM RUBIN won the day with one of the most horrifying date rape jokes I've ever heard--made even funnier by the fact that he's such a sweet guy in real life. He's also one of the few people I can talk basketball with, and I appreciate that.

Weekly Update

UPCOMING STUFF:
Writing:
Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal's ed magazine.
On Sunday, the final column in a six-part series on 'Family Values' will run in the Journal's
Living section.
Comedy:
Sunday, April 17, The Comic Strip (5 min guest set)
Wednesday, April 20, Yuk Yuks (10 min. Extreme Comedy Challenge)
Tuesday, April 26, Yuk Yuks, (5 min. amateur spot)

-What a weekend. I saw CHRISTINA SCHMOLKE, a local singer-songwriter at The Melting Pot on Whyte Avenue. She's there most Saturdays; go see her. Her voice is awesome!

-Sunday, I popped in to SMOK'N JOES where the generous and talented SEAN THOMSON is running an open mic. A good time was had by all. ANDREW IWANYK demonstrated his unique way of playing Golden Tee, and then took us to Planet Iwanyk to 'Pet the Wolves'--whihc isn't as dirty as it sounds. Joe's is less than five blocks from West Ed. If you get a chance, drop in Sunday nights to support local comedy. And you never know who might show up.

-The crowd at Yuk Yuks was on fire (not literally--which is a good thing since SEAN 'Stop, drop, and Roll' LECOMBER (sp?)wasn't performing). Too many people had good sets to mention, but two people in particular seemed to really make the Leap. KATHLEEN MCGEE (sp--darn it, I need to confirm these spellings), who is relatively new to the scene, is starting to find her voice on stage, and KELLY DEKUS (sp--sigh) was probably fifty percent better than I've ever seen him before--and I've seen him lots.

--Anyway, the last article in my Living series is this week. If you liked it, let the JOURNAL know, and hopefully they'll have me back. Also I'm getting my dirty set ready for next week's competition. Hopefully, I can get on at Smok'n Joes on Sunday and get the new stuff off my tongue once before the big night. Hope to see you there.

Dan

march headLINES

Upcoming Shows:
Sunday, April 17 at the Comic Strip
Wednesday, April 20 at Yuk Yuks
Tuesday, April 26 at Yuk Yuks

-Well, only two more columns before my LIVING section six-parter with the Journal is finished. If you liked them, let the good folks at the Journal know--It's been an awesome experience, and I'd love to do more writing for them. The next column is on dating, and I must confess: having the whole city find out about my romance skills or lack thereof makes me nervous.

-I ran into Bartosz Boz of 990 Productions a couple days ago. "Kill N' Kleen" is moving into post-production, and they're looking at screening it at the Paramount. I hope everything goes through. They're a great bunch of guys (and gals--horror is an equal-opportunity business)

-I got a chance to see MITCH FATEL at The Comic Strip on Sunday. It was a humbling experience--the guy is phenomenal. Watching him, half of me wanted to quit right then and there, and the other half wanted to go home and write and rehearse some more material for my upcoming dates. To let you know how into the show I was: there was a rumor that some of the guys from Motley Crue, who were in town for a concert, were supposed to stop by. I used to be a huge Crue fan, so I would have loved to meet them, but I got so absorbed by the show, I didn't even look around for them. I can't say enough about Mitch's Mad Comedy Skillz, so I won't even bother--check out his website www.mitchfatel.com, listen to his Muffin joke, and see if he's your cup of tea.

-PAUL MYREHAUG hosted his first workshop at Yuk Yuks on Tuesday. It was different from the typical workshop in that Paul tackled a subject that few pros discuss but all aspiring comics want to learn about--getting girls on the road. I have to admit, Paul's tips sure beat my current strategy of standing next to LARS CALLIEOU after the show, and hoping the ladies swarming him have friends.

Anyway, without further ado, here are:

March headLINES

Tuesday, March 1 - The final 'NYPD Blue' episode airs, and not a moment too soon for television critics who are sick of having to consult the ABC website every time they have to spell 'Sipowicz.'

Wednesday, March 2 - PM Paul Martin is also doing his part for senate reform, by refusing to appoint new senators. Senate reform is like the new Guns N Roses album: They say it's in the works, but I'll believe it when I see it.

Thursday, March 3 - Our provincial education system is under fire again. “Over half the students we surveyed misidentified the capital of Newfoundland as Charlottetown,” one critic alleged. “The correct answer is, of course, Ft. McMurray.”

Friday, March 4 - Meanwhile, the missile defense debate continues. Whatever--the U.S. missile shield doesn't even work. Right now, we'd be safer taking cover behind Toby Keith's belt buckle.

COMMENTARY: Although this was the original joke, it was not the one that ended up running in the paper. The joke we used was written by Warren Murray, an Australian ex-patriate, who wanted something to go along with the picture he used of a hockey player shooting down a missile with a hockey puck. Some more of Warren’s humor can be found at www.dailyripper.com.

Saturday, March 5 - ed writer Dan Brodribb misses his chance to cover the regional finals of the CanSpell Spelling Competition, after misspelling the word missile four times in a single paragraph. Let that be a lesson to you university students--Less class, more Wheel of Fortune.
Sunday, March 6 - Kirstie Alley debuts a new TV series, Fat Actress. It will be sandwiched (ha-ha) between the new Shannon Tweed series, Bad Actress, and the new reality show, Whiny Greedy Stupid People Looking for Fame.

Monday, March 7 - Laser tattoo removal businesses are booming, principals are in bidding wars for substitute teachers, and the entire Harry Ainlay science faculty is trying to find their way home from Singapore. Must be the Monday after Teacher’s Convention.

COMMENTARY: My mom’s a teacher. I’m not sure she was thrilled about that one.

Tuesday, March 8 - With only one month until the wedding between Prince Charles and Lady Camilla, Queen Elizabeth is still refusing to attend the ceremony. Be careful Chuck. It doesn’t matter if you live in the Taj Mahal or the trailer park, the number one rule doesn’t change: Don’t mess with Mom.

Wednesday, March 9 - Shania Twain is releasing a disc of smells for Scentstories, an air-freshening machine that ‘plays’ different scents instead of music. Motley Crue will also be releasing a disc featuring the aroma of cigarettes, Jack Daniels, and “over two decades of decadence”--the same smell as the inside of the provincial government’s private jet.

Thursday, March 10 - Speaking of the Crue, I can’t believe the Motley Crue concert falls on the same weekend as Wrestlemania. This could be the guy weekend of the year.

Friday, March 11 - ed writer Dan Brodribb gets a visit from a group of bat-wielding phys ed teachers. He broke the first rule of teacher’s convention: “Don’t talk about teacher’s convention.”

COMMENTARY: Sean Lecomber and Lars Callieou had been trying with limited success to get a "Fight Club" joke to work . This is me trying to join the fun.

Saturday, March 12 - Hip hop artist The Game is back in 50-Cent's posse after a squabble that resulted in shots fired outside a radio station. The reason for the spat: The Game didn't support 'Fiddy' after other rappers were mean to him. This is why we don't allow grade six girls access to firearms.

COMMENTARY: I had a follow-up to this joke that talked about 50-Cent’s posse having slumber parties where they made fun of the other rappers, braided each other’s cornrows, and put glitter on one another’s Glocks. Michael Jackson was invited, but he only likes sleepovers with little boys. It was wordy at the time, but I really wished I could have made it work. After all, the world is really crying out for more Michael Jackson jokes.

Sunday, March 13 - Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki has an advice column on NBA.com for those questions that can only be answered a German basketball star, questions like...like what? The German word for H-O-R-S-E? How to invade France without getting into foul trouble? I'm baffled.

Monday, March 14 - After a tough court battle, Jay Leno is allowed to tell Michael Jackson jokes again. This just shows how important Michael Jackson jokes are to comedians. The Michael Jackson one-liner is to a comedian what the little black dress is to women's fashion. Except for the black part.

COMMENTARY: Happiness is a new Michael Jackson joke. Forget what I wrote before.

Tuesday, March 15 - The proposed smoking ban passes a second reading in the Alberta legislature. The proposed bill would outlaw smoking province-wide in all enclosed spaces...except for the provincial government's private jets.

COMMENTARY: A friend of mine had her first child this day, and I wanted to run a joke that made fun of that ‘new parent smell.’ I didn’t get it in on time though, and so this joke ran in it’s place. I’m not happy with it; if I had a do-over, I’d have run with the 50-Cent follow-up I talked about.

Wednesday, March 16 - A fly-ku
Flights for a dollar?
My, what a bargain.Alas
Jetsgo is jets-gone

COMMENTARY: The great thing about this kind of feature is you have room to try different things. Like many of these jokes, it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to anybody who doesn’t live in Edmonton (or at least Canada)

Thursday, March 17 - In honor of St. Patrick's Day I wanted to include a joke by local comedian and full-time Irish person Steve McCarthy, but he isn't talking to me after I tried to pick up his sister by pretending to be sportswriter Dan Barnes with an extra Brier ticket. Dear Dirk Nowitzki, what should I do?

Friday, March 18 - Spike TV announces it will be dropping WWE wrestling from its schedule as part of its plan to move away from reality shows and towards scripted programming. Television executives must be the only people in the world who still use 'pro wrestling' and 'reality' in the same sentence.

Saturday, March 19 - As a sign of unity, federal conservatives Peter MacKay, Scott Reid, and Stephen Harper karaoke 'We Are A Family' while dressed as pirates. "I think I'm at the wrong convention,' one right-winger remarked.

Sunday, March 20 - ed writer Dan Brodribb attends the Toy and Comic Fair with his brother-in-law and age-regresses to thirteen years old. Of course, his allowance went a lot further back then. Two hundred and fifty dollars for a Skeletor figure--oy vey!

Monday, March 21 - My friend's daughter is raising funds for her school. It's a win-win situation: she learns about free enterprise and I learn how many chocolate almonds I can eat in a single sitting.

Tuesday, March 22 - The results of the great chocolate almond experiment: I finished just under a kilogram's worth in slightly more than seven hours. Twenty-one dollars well spent, although by the Batista/Kane match on WWE Raw, I was feeling a little queasy.

COMMENTARY: But not queasy enough to stop eating them. I just finished a box while writing this commentary. After the money I’ve dropped on those almonds, that school should name a gymnasium after me.

Wednesday, March 23 - UN courts officially rule figure skating 'not a sport.' The proof: EA sports has not released a figure skating game for Playstation since 1999.

Thursday, March 24 - Worried the debate over the smoking bill will divide the Provincial conservatives, one backbencher suggested, "Let's dress-up and sing 'We Are A Family.' And after, we could have a parade." Party plans are scrapped after the Premier's office invokes the notwithstanding clause.

Friday, March 25 - Another clash between city police and the media leaves Journal writer Todd Babiak recovering from taser injuries after writing a 'machete-like article.' I guess the EPS really like 'Corner Gas.'

COMMENTARY: The ‘machete-like article in question was Babiak’s hatchet job on the Canadian comedy, ‘Corner Gas’ which resulted in some angry readers. Still, jokes like this make me feel like I’m doing the writer-ly equivalent of working the back of the room.

Saturday, March 26 - No pre-nup for Chuck as Prince Charles declares his marriage to Camilla will be based on 'mutual trust.' Prince Charles talking about marital fidelity is funny. Even Bill Clinton laughed at that one.

Sunday, March 27 - J.P. Fournier performs at The Comic Strip in West Edmonton Mall. He's unique because he's the only local comedian whose name I misspelled in a previous article. That's right, folks--I got "Krepakavitch" right and screwed up "J.P." Point and laugh; I deserve it.

Monday, March 28 - Two Edmonton women are appearing on the latest installment of The Bachelor. We're exporting our beautiful, single women now? Funny how the U.S. border stayed open for them.

COMMENTARY: I’m working on an expanded version of this joke for my live performances. I’m going to try it out for the first time April 17 at The Comic Strip. If you like this joke, come down and show it some support.

Tuesday, March 29 - Did you know..? One of the helicopter pilots in the 1998 movie Godzilla was played by the same actor who was Joey on DeGrassi. Why don't they teach this stuff in school?

Wednesday, March 30 - On a related subject, how much harder would it be to play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, if he'd never appeared in "A Few Good Men." EVERYBODY's in that movie.

Thursday, March 31 - Thanks to the new PlayStation Portable, gamers can finally leave the house again. But why would they want to?

Sad News

-After a lot of confusion and disbelief on some of the message boards I frequent, it was confirmed that comedian Mitch Hedberg passed away on Wednesday. He was 37. I didn't know Mitch personally, but he had a tremendous influence on a lot of comedians, both as a person and as an incredibly talented, creative comic. He will be missed.

-I'll be posting the March headLINES late next week along with my usual sporadic comments.

-Tuesday at Yuks was a good time as always. It was nice getting a chance to get some of TRAVIS ROBINSON's thoughts on how to develop my skills as a comic. Travis is a talented writer and his comedy is much cleaner than most--and very clever as well. J.P. FOURNIER was there and did some new jokes. I haven't seen that much energy from J.P. in a while, and the crowd gave him a great response. J.P. is also getting a mention in my next headLINES column on Saturday, as is TODD KREPAKAVITCH (unless they get edited out).

-Sunday at The Comic Strip I had a good talk with LARS. He's the kind of guy I should hate--he's good looking, talented, confident, charming AND funny--but he's such a good guy that I can't help but wish him the best. What I found most inspiring about our conversation is realizing that even the good-looking, talented, confident, charming, AND funniest of us run into setbacks now and then. But the best of us (and yeah, Lars is in this category too, darn him) manage to stay positive and remember that just being on stage is sometimes its own reward. If you've felt it, you're probably nodding along as you read, if you haven't then there's no way I can explain it.

UPCOMING EVENTS:
Comedy:
Sunday, April 20, The Comic Strip (5 minute guest spot)
Wednesday, April 20, Yuk Yuks (10 minute spot--Extreme Comedy Challenge)
Tuesday, April, 26, Yuk Yuks (5 minute open mic spot)

Writing:
-Sundays through April in the Living section of the Edmonton Journal
-Dan Brodribb's headLINES feature runs every Saturday in the Journal's ed magazine

Let's Get Extreme!

UPCOMING COMEDY EVENTS:
-Sunday, March 27th at The Comic Strip at Bourbon Street in West Edmonton Mall
-Sunday, April 17 at The Comic Strip at Bourbon Street in West Edmonton Mall
-Wednesday, April 20th at Yuk Yuks in Londonderry for the Extreme Comedy Challenge
-Tuesday, April 26th at Yuk Yuks in Londonderry Mall

UPCOMING WRITING EVENTS:
-Every Sunday through April 16 in the Living section of the Edmonton Journal
-Dan Brodribb's headLINES runs every Saturday in ed magazine in the Edmonton Journal

-Looks like I'm going to be part of April's Extreme Comedy Challenge at Yuk Yuks. This month the object is to write a dirty set without using dirty words--kind of funny given that I spent my last post vowing to get a way from the dirty stuff. Still, this is a great challenge for me, and I'm excited about the opportunity to do ten minutes instead of my usual five. My night is on April 20th (Hitler's birthday, for you history buffs) Come on out and say 'hi,' and enjoy the rest of the great comics on the bill.

-Last Tuesday was a great time at Yuk Yuks. The graduates from PAUL SVEEN's comedy course (check out http://www.metrocontinuingeducation.ca/ for more information on the course) performed their first sets and did a fantastic job. One of them even crushed her first heckler--which is Awesome! Watching that combination of joy and terror as they were up on stage discovering themselves really reminded me of why I'm in this business in the first place. I learned more from watching them than they would watching me. It also inspired MC PAUL MYREHAUG and TOBY HARGRAVES (www.seetobylive.com) to share a few stories of their own, which made the whole night fantastic. Toby's heading out on tour before moving to Vancouver, so if you get a chance to see him, he's very funny, and a sweetheart of a guy. I believe Mr. Myrehaug will be doing some shows up in Banff in between snowboarding expeditions, so if you get a chance to catch him performing in the mountains, ask for his 'Dark Ages ex-girlfriend' joke.

-Saturday morning I'm acting in a short film, called Choice/No Choice. This is writer/director ALLISON A. BAILEY's first solo film. I've worked with her before in FAVA (Edmonton Film And Video Arts)'s Monday Night Club and she's talented and driven. I'll post screening info as it comes up.

Odds and Sods

-I picked up a guest spot at The Comic Strip last night. The crowd was great (most crowds are, as long as long as they don't have pitchforks and torches and you aren't Frankenstein's Monster). I've been trying to 'clean up' my act, but somehow, it's always the dirty jokes that seem to do well. The funny thing is, when I started out, I thought I was 'too good' to work with dirty jokes, and now I'm wallowing in the mud like a pig sniffing for dick-joke truffles. Oh well.

In other great news. LARS CALLIEOU is the Regional Champ for CBC's Stand and Deliver contest. They've even got one of my favorite Lars jokes, Kindergarten Reunion, online at http://www.cbc.ca/standanddeliver/vote.html . Check him out, along with the other very funny features from across this great land of ours and excercise your democratic rights.

That's it for now. My ed feature is doing well, and I'm enjoying seeing my picture and columns in the Journal every Sunday (the first week, they ran my picture on the front page. My mom was thrilled). I hope I'll get an opportunity to do more once this initial run is finished, but for now I'm just enjoying the moment.

Hope you're doing the same.

Take care,

Dan

UPCOMING COMEDY SPOT:
March 27th at The Comic Strip on Bourbon Street in West Edmonton Mall.
April 26th at Yuk Yuks in Londonderry Mall

UPCOMING WRITING:
-Columns every Sunday through April 16th in the Living section of the Edmonton Journal
-headLINES by Dan Brodribb appears every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal's ed magazine

February headLINES

FEBRUARY
Tue, 1 – The Karate Kid Collection is released on DVD. It’s times like this I miss our old mayor. If Bill Smith were in office he’d be wearing a faux-Japanese headband and declaring today Ralph Macchio Day before you could say “illegally parked SUV.”

Wednesday, February 2 - In the wake of the controversy following the nipple-gate incident and the Terell Owens/Desperate Housewives skit, the NFL vows to get away from sex and put the focus “back on violence where it belongs.” This year’s Super Bowl halftime show will feature death metal bands Cannibal Corpse, Dimmu Borgir, and GWAR and will end with the on-air beheading of Janet Jackson.

Thursday, February 3 - World Wrestling Entertainment now offers WWE 24-7, a digital cable channel featuring nothing but wrestling 24 hours a day. I may never leave the house again.

Friday, February 4 - Women’s groups are outraged when the NFL reveals the Super Bowl’s second half will be played using Janet Jackson’s head as the ball. “Janet Jackson is saying it‘s okay to objectify yourself to end up in the arms of the captain of the football team,” one spokeswoman complained. “Is this a message we want to send to young girls?”

Sat, Feb 5 - ed writer Dan Brodribb prepares a ‘sting’ operation against the Edmonton police by leaving an anonymous tip that he plans to drive drunk. His plan is foiled when they run his name through the computer and learn he doesn’t have a car.

Sun, Feb 6 - No news today, it’s the SUPER BOWL, BABY!! Instead enjoy this Headlines classic moment from ancient Rome: “Anthony and Cleopatra have broken up, the gladiators and coliseum owners are no closer to a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, and Greek theatre has been replaced with “lions vs. Christians” reality entertainment. Anyone else feel we’re on a downhill slide?”

Mon, Feb 7 - Stopping into the office, I discover while a picture of a naked male backside in ed produced a firestorm of controversy, my two jokes about severing Janet Jackson’s head passed with nary a whisper. Then again, she wouldn’t be the first Jackson to survive a head transplant.
COMMENTARY: Or maybe no one’s reading.

Tuesday, Feb 8 - My Dad weighs in on the war of words between the police and the media. “I’m sick of it; both sides are scumbags. The cops are corrupt, and reporters will invade their own family’s privacy to fill space.” I wonder if he was talking about me.

COMMENTARY: I had to double check with my dad to get permission to attribute this quote to him. I guess he thought I was kidding, because he was pretty surprised when the quote showed up in the paper.

Wed, Feb 9 - After watching four hours of reality television on the same channel, I have to ask: Remember when MuchMusic used to play music?

Thu, Feb 10 - North Korea denounces long hair on men as being against the ‘socialist style.’ 9000 aging, bald-in-front-ponytail-in-back liberal arts university professors beg to differ. “It’s called the Marxi-mullet. It’s the People’s Haircut.”

COMMENTARY: I don’t know if a joke can be considered ‘cute,’ but if so, I think this one fits the bill.

Fri, Feb 11 - MuchMusic plays an actual music video. Watching a lingerie-clad Britney Spears slither through “My Prerogative,” my father turns to me and says: “When she was a little girl and her father was paying through the nose for dance lessons, do you think this what he had in mind?”

Saturday, February 12 - World-famous magician Jean Chretien is back. First he made $250 million disappear; now he’s pulling golf balls from behind Justice John Gomery’s ear. This sponsorship scandal is like performance art--it never ends, and I still don’t get what’s going on.

Sunday, February 13 - And the Grammy for Best Female Vocalist goes to…that blonde gal who sings weekends at The Melting Pot. You read it here first.

COMMENTARY: For the record, this woman is named CHRISTINA SCHMOLKE, and she is truly fantastic. A great songwriter with a great voice. Her song “Maybe” brings a tear to my eye each time I hear it, though I’ll never admit that to anyone.

Monday, February 14 - Valentine’s Day brings the usual round of calls from busybody relatives, asking: “Why aren’t you married, Dan?” There was a time I could get around this by pretending to be gay. Thanks for nothing, same-sex couples.

COMMENTARY: This is the only joke that I’ve used both in the paper and in my live comedy act. How’s that for a little bit of Dan Brodribb trivia?

Tuesday, February 15 - The search for a new police chief continues. Candidates include actor David Caruso, the blonde who sings at the Melting Pot, and retiring Indiana Pacers guard Reggie Miller. So far, Miller is the front-runner because “he never lost his man in overtime.”

Wednesday, February 16 - Ten days until the Oscars. Wouldn’t it be great if the Academy Awards were like wrestling? Laura Linney could club Natalie Portman over the head with a chair and walk out with Best Supporting Actress to a chorus of boos. Plus, the speeches might be shorter.

COMMENTARY: More women and violence, this time with some girl on girl action. I must be more bitter about Valentine’s Day than I thought.

Thursday, February 17 - A pretty girl mistakes ed writer Dan Brodribb--who can’t even get tickets to Motley Crue--for sportswriter Dan Barnes--who got to cover the Super Bowl in Florida. Can Brodribb be blamed for not rushing to correct her?

COMMENTARY: It turns out that Dan Barnes is my editor’s fiance. Oops.

Friday, February 18 - Justice John Gomery makes his wrestling debut under the alias “Justice” John Gomery. Also, Dan Barnes checks his e-mail. He looks confused.

Saturday, February 19 - The video game industry reports profits of over $600 million dollars in Canada, thanks to games geared towards adult males like 'Grand Theft Auto' and 'Halo 2.' Divorce lawyers aren't doing too badly, either.

Sunday, February 20 - Watching Alias, I have to believe Jennifer Garner is the worst spy ever. Explain how those outfits will help her remain unnoticed.

Monday, February 21 - This month in Edge, a men's magazine: "A Guide to Hassle-Free Relationships." If 'hassle-free' is really what you're most looking for in a relationship, buy a goldfish.

Tuesday, February 22 - The Backstreet Boys are back with a new single scheduled for release in March. Say what you will, they outlasted Limp Bizkit.

COMMENTARY: Ah, Fred Durst, we hardly knew ‘ye. Fame is fleeting, my friends. Fame is fleeting.

Wednesday, February 23 - It's been a few days since the NHL season was officially cancelled, and I'm overwhelmed by a strange new emotion. What stage of grief is 'indifference?'

Thursday, February 24 - The Catholic Church is facing a shortage of exorcists and no one who saw the movie The Exorcist is surprised by the news. When you're asking people to face the Forces of Primal Evil, you need to offer more than partial dental benefits and a group RRSP.

Friday, February 25 - Officials enter a West end apartment and are shocked to discover the body of a four month old goldfish. When asked why he didn't feed the animal, the fish's roommate, a 25-year old male, looked up from his game of Halo 2 just long enough to say: "Hey, man. I didn't need the hassle."

Saturday, February 26 - PM Paul Martin announces he will wait until incoming missiles are actually in Canadian airspace before 'consulting' with the U.S. on missile defense. "I won't be rushed into making a choice without the facts," The PM insists. "We must know for certain that death in nuclear fire would be bad for Canadians." This is not a man who likes to make decisions.

Sunday, February 27 - Another Academy Awards and once again, ed writer Dan Brodribb walks away with nothing despite his compelling, layered performances as ‘Nameless Thug‘ in Idiom Films‘ ‘Reroute’ and ’Janitor Zombie’ in 990 Productions 'Kill N' Kleen.’ Maybe next year.

COMMENTARY: And both movies were a blast to work on. I got a good article out of the 'Reroute' experience (if you want to pick up a copy on DVD, check out http://groups.msn.com/IDIOMIncIDIOMFilms/idiomfilms.msnw). I'll also be touching on 'Kill N' Kleen' in one of my upcoming EDMONTON JOURNAL articles.

Monday, February 28 - On the subject of Hollywood, an ethnic actor friend of mine moved there and said it’s impossible to find work unless you’re white. He tried out for a Coke commercial and for the TV-series Lost, but both times the part went to a CGI polar bear.

Untitled Update

I got my picture taken today for my upcoming six column "Family Values" series in the EDMONTON JOURNAL's LIVING section. The first column runs this Sunday; let me know what you all think.

If you're waiting for February's headLINES, I'll post them on Saturday. Join us as we take a look back at all the things that never happened in the month of February, complete with my own Commentary.

Shameless self-promotion aside, I saw some great comedy over the last couple of days. ON Tuesday, STEVE MCCARTHY--the man who introduced me to the wild and wonderful world of comedy--MCd his first show at Yuk Yuks on Tuesday and did a fabulous job. NAVIN also did his first Yuks set in a while. BRIAN HEGGE showed off his "tweaker" bit again, and SEAN LACOMBER(sp?) nearly made me fall off my seat with his own take on fire safety.

Wednesday I was at the Comic Strip where Navin and I both tried out some new material to a small but enthusiastic crowd . That's the great thing about Edmonton comedy--people come to the shows to have fun. ANDREW IWANYK was doing some new material as well; I can't remember if I've talked about him in previous posts, but he's a true original and another must-see. LARS CALLIEOU was our host and MC. On stage and off Lars is one of the friendliest, most outgoing guys in the local comedy scene--not only that, but his last name uses with all five vowels in the English language, including four in a row at the end--C'est incroyable.

Upcoming Gigs Wednesday, March 9 at The Comic Strip

My next comedy spot is at The Comic Strip on Bourbon Street in West Edmonton mall. Skit For Brains, a very funny improv troupe will be headlining.

For times and ticket prices, check out www.thecomicstrip.ca or call 483-5999

Hope to see you there