From Russia With Love On WTF? Weekend

Upcoming Comedy
Sunday, January 31 - The Druid - Edmonton
Tuesday, February 2 - New City Comedy Olympics - Edmonton
Saturday, February 13 - Get Yo' Heart On Comedy Night at The Common - Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling
Saturday, March 20 - OSCW One Year Anniversary

Less than 24 hours after telling Captain Hammer I was absolutely, positively, without-any-question sick, tired, and done with the bar scene, I found myself dancing delightedly with Dawn Dumont and a comic-in-training in a bar I never knew existed to a Russian-language version of OSCW champion Eclipse's entrance theme.

It's been that kind of a weekend.

Seriously. A lot of things have happened over the last couple days, and the one thing they've all had in common is that it was in the complete opposite direction of what I expected--and in some cases--intended. And in some cases, when I adapted and changed my mind to the NEW circumstance, that new circumstance took another unexpected turn.

Nothing has become predictable anymore. I no longer know what is going to happen.

It's thrilling.

Back to the bar. It was the same as any other club, but somehow the fact that everyone there was Russian made it novel and new. They are expressive dancers those Russians. And very tall. Tall, blocky men. Tall, slender--and very beautiful--women, a sizable percentage of whom were unquestionably off-duty strippers (*). I wonder how Slavic rappers talk about their "shorties," when their "shorties" are five-ten.

And of course Dawn.

There's no way I can really write about the chemistry Dawn and I have when it comes to our friendship--just the right combination of funny and supportive. A former boyfriend of hers was jealous at how well we got along (a story I often make her retell, partly for the self-esteem boost, and partly because she tells it with funny voices).

And there we were--a Native American woman and the guy whose only experience with Eastern Bloc culture was playing the part of "Soviet Goal Judge" in the acclaimed film "Sure-Shot Dombrowski."

We danced. We fell in love with our own reflections in the bar's mirrored walls. We made fun of Russians ("Was it hurtful when Tom Cruise gave you the finger in Top Gun?"). We lost and found her cell phone. We screamed along with everybody else when the DJ stopped the music (On purpose or Russian technology?)and everybody in the bar sang the chorus even though we had no idea what we were saying.

Simple things. Little things. Things that can only made better and more hilarious by a soundtrack of Russian-language hip-hop.

Who could ask for anything more?

(*)You know what seeing strippers doing normal dancing in a normal club reminds me of? Being a kid and seeing your teacher at the grocery store. It's kind of a surreal feeling. It's like: Fantasy Object, what are YOU doing out here in the real world?

The Rules Are Different In Show Business

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, February 2 - New City Comedy Olympics - Edmonton
Saturday, February 13 - Get Yo' Heart On Comedy Night at The Common - Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling
Saturday, March 20 - OSCW One Year Anniversary

Comedy Olympics are at New City on February 2. I have no idea what the events will be, but I'm looking forward to representing salsa dancing/pro-wrestling announcing/writer/comic Buddhists everywhere.

Yesterday's Druid show was fun. A woman ran onstage, threw her arms around me and kissed me thrice, and several other comdedians set I was good, so the Demons of External Validation were duly satisfied.

That said, I find it hard to accept credit for good shows because when I'm performing well, it feels so effortles. I don't feel I deserve anything because it doesn't feel like I'm really doing anything.

After the show, I had a conversation with one of the comedians who I consider one of the nicest guys in show business. And after that conversation I looked back and thought, wow.

He was talking about how tough it was on him to maintain a relationship while being a touring comedian with his girfriend living in a different city, despite how much he loved her.

DAN'S SOLUTION: Why don't you cheat on her?
NICEST GUY IN COMEDY: I am morally opposed to cheating. I would never cheat on my girlfriend. I was sleeping with another woman for a while, but I was honest with her [the other woman]. I said, 'as soon as I tell my girlfriend I love her, it's over between us.' And I stood by that.

And this is a conversation between two men who are generally regarded as being among the more CONSIDERATE guys in entertainment.

The rules are different in show business, folks. Don't ever say you weren't warned.

The Social Nomad

Went out dancing with Dawn on Friday night, with the wrestlers after the show on Saturday. Starting flirting with girls, more practice swings than anything else, just trying to see where I was at.

I keep forgetting that I'm GOOD with women. I don't know how or when that changed, but it surprises me every time.

One girl was a corseted redhead. Partway into the conversation, she cut me off and pointed out her husband sitting in the corner.

And her girlfriend.

And her other girlfriend.

Neat-O.

As it turns out, this woman was polyamorous, which is something I've always wanted to know more about, because the concept intrigues me

It makes me wonder if I could do it.

In the past, I've found dating more than one person at a time exhausting, but if they were also dating each other...heck, maybe it would even be EASIER than dating one person because they would be able to get from each other some of the things that I might not be so good at providing.

On the other hand, it would mean being part of a GROUP.

I don't do groups well.

One of the consequences of the decision I made back on November 24, 2005 to take responsibility for my own happiness instead of expecting the world to hand it to me is that I've become a bit of a social nomad.

Part of it is I've never been comfortable with cliques, organizations, collectives, or communities, no matter how much I agree with their mission statement or like the people in them. I don't know why.

And part of it is, since I've started making a concerted effort to be inclusive rather than exclusive in my approach to the world, I just don't fit very well into most pigeonholes. I'm monogamous at heart, and yet I am most succesful in those relationships when I am either dating other people or seeing myself as 'single.' I'm too offbeat to be truly mainstream, but I'm too traditional to fit into most alternative subcultures. I'm too nerdy to be cool, but not quite nerdy enough to pass as a nerd. I get restless among the stay-at-home-and-watch-a-movie crowd, but I'm not adventurous enough to hang with the thrill-seekers.

It's a rich, but rootless existence. I can get along with almost any scene, but never really feel at home in any of them. And I imagine it makes me tough to deal with though, because I'm never quite exactly the person people expect me to be.

I'm okay with that. Oddly enough, not being fully comfortable anywhere helps me feel more comfortable EVERYWHERE.

A scene in the movie 'Almost Famous' captures this fully, when teenage writer William Miller--overwhelmed by the frustrations of the road and the pressure on him from all sides, cries out: "I want to go home."

And Penny Lane looks at him and says:

"You are home."

It's a good place to be.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Dan Shows Apprecation

Bastet and I exchanged things yesterday.

Everything is going to be fine.

This post isn't about me though. It's about the people who have supported me throughout through a time that for whatever reasons hit me a lot harder than I expected (*).

Dawn Dumont has been great. I don't think I could do it without her. Captain Hammer, my friends, family, and co-workers...all have been great.

But the thing that gives me the most hope, has been the outpouring of support from women with whom I've been previously involved. It's reassuring on so many levels.

I shouldn't be surprised. If there's one thing I know how to do, it's pick good women.

They've gone on to do some great things. I like to think I helped with that in some small way. They certainly helped me. And the fact that they have gone out of their way to stand by me now reassures me I must be doing something right.

It also makes me look forward to my future with Bastet. Not only is she too important to me to lose(*), she has a lot to offer the world and herself--maybe more than she herself realizes--and I don't want to miss any of it for the world.

So thank you all.

Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for what we shared when we were together, thank you for your support now, and thank you for being an example of how things work out for the best. Most importantly, thank you for keeping in touch.

I love you all.


(*) In fact, I think one of the reasons, I've been having a hard time with this break-up is I've been trying to rush the grieving process, so I can bring her back into my life. But she's not ready, and I'm not ready, and quite frankly, that pisses me off at the universe a little.

Support the Need for a Candian National Suicide Prevention Strategy - Sign the e-petition

I'm not generally a big fan of using Facebook/Blogger to advance a cause, but this one means something to me so I hope you take the time to have a look and click on the petition if it so interests you.

Hello All,

Below is an email from a gentleman named Rodney constructed to help raise awareness around the issue of suicide. Rodney lost his son to suicide a few years ago and is determined to try and prevent any future losses from happening by raising awareness.

Rodney is an amazing example of how resilient people are.

In addition to his email campaign, he is currently working on getting Shoppers Drug Mart to make a Health Watch pamphlet on Suicide Prevention and how to help someone who may be suicidal – these would be available in Shoppers Drug Marts nationally if he is successful. He is also trying to engage CN (the company he works for) in taking some of the Suicide Prevention training we offer.

You can also find the links to the CASP e-petition and postcard petition information on our website by clicking here:

From: rodney
Sent: January 17, 2010 5:00 PM
Subject: FW: A worth while e-mail with great memories -revised

We all know someone whom has lost a child, parent, grandparent, relative, friend, or co-worker to Suicide.

This e-mail is in memory of all those people that have taken their life's way to soon!

I ask you all to sign the petition and send it to our Federal Health Minister (postage free)

You able to do this in two ways:

a) by supporting the on line petition or

b) by e-mailing casp@casp-acps.ca. who will send you the post cards to distribute in you community or

c) you can print the sample below

Include below is the meaning of the Kites which is on the face of the post card.

As we all have received many e-mails saying send this to 5 or 10 people and something great will happen .

If can participate in this e-mail you will be Rewarded with Great memories, knowing that you supporting the families that have lost a loved one to suicide and by helping start a program that will give hope for the future of suicide prevention .

We can make the World a better place to Live in!

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH!
r.j.l

PETITION

Suicide is a major public health issue in Canada and in spite of our alarming suicide rate Canada remains one of the few industrialized countries that still does not have a national suicide prevention strategy. In 2004 the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention (CASP) published its Blue Print for a National Suicide Prevention Strategy. While provinces throughout Canada have used this document to establish provincial suicide prevention frameworks as well as receiving international recognition this document has yet to be acknowledged by the Canadian Government. Canada must join other countries such as the U.S.A, U.K., Australia, New Zealand and many other European and Asian countries and establish a national suicide prevention strategy.

CASP urges the Government of Canada to take immediate action and move forward on establishing a national suicide prevention strategy. All Canadians can play a role in suicide prevention. CASP invites all Canadians demonstrate their support your in suicide by participating in an on line petition. To register your support for a national suicide prevention strategy and urge the Government of Canada to take action go to http://nspscnd.epetitions.net.

CASP has also started a mail in post card campaign that asks the Minister of Health for the Government of Canada to also take action on this important public health issue. Copies of this post card can be downloaded from our website. To have copies of the post card mailed to you for distribution in your community please contact our office at casp@casp-acps.ca.
Thank you for your support.

How Ricky Ortiz Nearly Killed Us (Twice)

A lot of people have been asking for road stories from the CWE trip. Trouble is, there are too many of them, even once you weed out the inappropriate ones. In seven days, I got seven months worth of stories.

There were some classic moments(*). All of the stories deserve to be told.

Whether they WILL be told is another matter.

But here's one to start with. In accordance with my "I Try To Make No One Look Stupid Other Than Myself" (**) policy towards blog stories, I've changed the names of the men involved and tried to leave out any identifying details.

So without further ado, I present to you the story I call:

HOW RICKY ORTIZ NEARLY KILLED US

Dory was driving the van. Bruno was in the front passenger seat. And neither of them was getting along.

The disagreement had started over one of the most sacrosanct of wrestling's time-honored road traditions: the Wrestling Name Game. The point of contention was Dory playing the name 'Ricky Ortiz.'

"Ricky Ortiz!" Bruno sputtered. "You can't use Ricky Ortiz. You gotta use guys that were in the Fed."

"Ricky Ortiz WAS in the Fed," Dory protested (***).

"Yeah, for two minutes. We need guys who have been in the fed for at least THREE MINUTES."

"He was in the World Wrestling Federation," Dory said. "He was on ECW."

"Yeah, but is he in the WWE Encyclopedia?" Bruno demanded.

The rest of us huddled in the back of the van and waited to see how it would play out. They didn't come to an agreement, but eventually the game continued.

Later, perhaps as a peace offering, Bruno offered to relieve Dory from behind the wheel.

I can't speak for everyone, but I was nervous at this prospect. We were in the winterlands of northern Manitoba. Bruno was from Florida, via New York. And these were not good roads.

Dory looked hesitant, but he was tired, and no one else was volunteering to take over.

He agreed, pulled over, and he and Bruno switched places.

There is some debate over what happened next. Here is my recollection:

Second One: Bruno puts the van into gear and slides away from the side of the road.

Second Two: The van starts to slide towards the center. Bruno over-corrects sending us towards the ditch.

Second Three: Dory reaches over from the passenger seat and steadies the steering wheel.

Second Four: Bruno says, "I got it man."

Second Five: Something starts dinging. Bruno says, "What's That?"

Second Six: Dory says: "You need to put on your seatbelt."

Second Seven: Bruno reaches for his seatbelt. As he drags it across his body, he swerves the van to the right.

Second eight: The van goes into the ditch with a hearty FWOOMPF.

We were stuck for about a half-hour before we were able to be on our way, and that should have been the end of the story, except that the promoter, wondering what the delay was.

BRUNO: Tell them we had to stop so I could take a shit
DORY: We got stuck in a ditch..No, Bruno was driving.

Bruno was beside himself: "I told you to tell him I was taking a shit! You don't stooge out one of the boys like that to the head office! Also...RICKY FUCKING ORTIZ?!?"

Tensions were running high between Bruno and Dory for the rest of the day, mostly because they were being egged on by the rest of the crew. Wrestlers (and wrestling announcer/comedian/buddhist/salsa dancer/writers)are natural shit disturbers and can't pass a fire without throwing gasoline on it, just to see what will happen.

At one point, Dory's brother, Terry, joined the fray ("Hey, Bruno. Heard you guys ended up in the ditch this afternoon. What happened?"), which wouldn't be important, except for what happened next.

After the show, we all piled into the vans and started the four hour drive back to our hotel. For reasons which are a story on of its own but too involved to go into here (short version: Everybody was annoyed with a particular individual who is not a part of this story and didn't want to ride with him), a musical chairs-esque switch of seating arrangements occurred leaving Bruno travelling in a different van from Dory, Terry, myself, and several others.

Terry was driving. Dory was in the front passenger seat.

Less than fifteen minutes out of town, karma made its move.

Terry, who had taken such delight in Bruno's misfortune, was driving dangerously close to the side of the road.

DORY: Hey, Terry, maybe you should drive on the road.
TERRY: I am driving on the---
VAN: FWOOMPF

For the second time in less than twenty-four hours, Dory's van--through no fault of his own--was in the ditch.

We clambered out of the van and starting pushing. All except Dory, who slid into the driver's seat to steer.

That's how the other van found us. The van carrying Bruno.

Bruno sized up the situation--the van hopelessly buried in the ditch, six members of the crew freezing by roadside, and most importantly, Dory sitting dejectedly in the driver's seat.

Before his van even came to complete stop, he burst out the passenger door in an explosion of trash talk. I've never seen a man so delighted at another's misfortune.

Have you ever seen an Ed Hardy-wearing 230 pound Italian-American dance a jig of unbridled glee on a northern Manitoba roadside by the light of a stuck van's headlight beams?

Me neither. But I'll tell you something. It was damn close.

(*) I got to train with wrestlers! In the ring! I did squats and pushups and three-quarters of a bump (I was supposed to land on my back; I made it as far around as my head before gravity drove me noggin-first into the ring canvas.)!

(**) Remind me to tell the story of the time Heavy Metal half-succesfully convinced me a cell phone photo of a plume of smoke from a Flin Flon Factory was a "Snow Tornado."

(***) For those of you wondering, Dory's right. For Your Fact Checking Pleasure

Triumphant Return

Got back into town yesterday morning at 6:30am. Went to bed until 7:30pm. Got up and went to the Druid for their weekly Sunday open mic and then back home to bed.

The trip went well. If you're my friend on Facebook, the photos will be up tomorrow. And if we're not friends on Facebook, feel free to add me. I'm easy that way.

The tour was physically and emotionally unrelenting, which was a good thing. Some people go on trips to unwind. I go to push myself. I find plenty of relaxation and contentment in my day-to-day life. I find if I find my regular routine stressful, that's a sign it's time to make some changes.

There were so many stories on this trip, I don't even know where to begin. I was planning on posting a running diary, but so much was happening I didn't get a chance to write anything beyond quick notes (not to mention the fact internet access was hard to come by--heck, over half the crew couldn't get cell phone reception). It was so busy and we were so isolated from the outside world, that I didn't find out about the Haiti earthquake until three days after it happened.

Thanks to the folks who helped get me booked on this trip: Heavy Metal, Eclipse, and Danny Duggan. Thanks to the people who were on the trip. I had a blast, learned a lot, and look forward to applying what I learned in the shows to come.

Speaking of which,

Next OSCW wrestling show is this Saturday at the Hazeldean Dome. Main event is Heavy Metal vs. Eclipse in a Hair vs. Title match. Come see what Heavy Metal learned on the road, Juanuary 23 at 7:00pm.

Talk to you all soon. May All Beings Be Sexy.

Operation: Tell-My-Mother-I-Love-Her (the Please Don't Die Tour)

Off to Manitoba for a week! With Heavy Metal, the Kevin Bacon of Bad Decision Makin' and Rolls Royce of Unwise Life Choices! Still reeling and feeling decidedly unsexy from the loss of a relationship (and not handling it as well as I'd hoped, quite frankly) and looking to get my mojo back by any means necessary!

Nothing good come can come of this.

Except possibly entertaining stories.

Manitoba tour, I dub thee the Please Don't Die Tour, or Operation: Tell-My-Mother-I-Love-Her.

Here are the dates:

Sunday, Jan 10 - Winnipeg, Manitoba
Tuesday, Jan 12th - Gillam, MB
Wednesday, Jan 13th - Thompson, MB
Thursday, Jan 14th - Flin Flon, MB
Friday, Jan 15th - The Pas, MB

More info at the CWE website.

And Edmonton fans, lest we forget:

Saturday, January 23 - OSCW New Year's Glory, Edmonton

Probably won't post much until my return. In the meantime, for your entertainment pleasure, enjoy the sounds of Winnipeg, Manitoba's finest cultural export here and here.

New Google Cell Phone

I don't normally jump on the technology bandwagon but I'm thinking of getting this Google cellphone.

I'm hoping that everytime I've gone too long without contacting my family, I'll go to put a number in the phone and it will go:

"Did you mean: "Your Mother?""

Thanks Google.

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, January 4 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton
Tuesday, Januay 5 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton
Wednesday, January 6 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton
Tuesday, January 19 - The Laugh Shop, Edmonton

Wrestling Apprearances
Tuesday, Jan 12th - CWE, Gillam, MB
Wednesday, Jan 13th - CWE, Thompson, MB
Thursday, Jan 14th - CWE, Flin Flon, MB
Friday, Jan 15th - CWE, The Pas, MB
Saturday, January 23 - OSCW New Year's Glory, Edmonton

The Tiger Woods/Brit Hume Flap

I'm a Buddhist so you'd think I have something to say about this, but the only thing that really blows my mind is...

Don Imus is on OUR side?

I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming.

Other funny stuff on the incident here.

Winter Clothing Watch 2009-2010 Season

As longtime readers know, my ability to lose items of winter clothing is unparalleled.

This year I made it to December 30 before losing my first article. On the other hand, I hit the trifecta, misplacing my hat and both gloves.

I have not had time to replace them, so I am wearing two mismatched gloves from previous winters and a hat that Bubba brought me back from South America.

If you're wondering about a South American hat's ability to retain heat in a Canadian winter, the correct answer is "Not great, but better than you might expect."

Happy New Year everyone. Best wishes for 2010.

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, January 4 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton
Tuesday, Januay 5 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton
Wednesday, January 6 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton
Tuesday, January 19 - The Laugh Shop, Edmonton

Wrestling Apprearances
Tuesday, Jan 12th - CWE, Gillam, MB
Wednesday, Jan 13th - CWE, Thompson, MB
Thursday, Jan 14th - CWE, Flin Flon, MB
Friday, Jan 15th - CWE, The Pas, MB
Saturday, January 23 - OSCW New Year's Glory, Edmonton

Coming This January: DAN!!itoba (*)

Just learned I will be doing a tour of Manitoba in January with CWE (Canada's Wrestling Elite)

There's nothing more exciting to me than visiting a place I haven't been before and meeting new people--Except maybe performing there doing something I love, accompanied by some of the best wrestlers in the business (**). In addition to Eclipse, Heavy Metal, and the CWE favorites, there will be special appearances from former WWE stars The Road Dogg Jesse James and Big Vito.

Here are the dates and towns:

Tuesday, Jan 12th - Gillam, MB
Wednesday, Jan 13th - Thompson, MB
Thursday, Jan 14th - Flin Flon, MB
Friday, Jan 15th - The Pas, MB


For more information including ticket info, visit the CWE website here.

(*) With apologies to CAM!!ikaze for the gimmick theft.

(**) And one of whom is trying to adhere to a Forty-Day Celibacy "diet." Bring your A-game, Ladies of Manitoba.

"Twists Off Just Like Lipstick!"

Went shopping for a USB memory stick today. I know nothing about them so I asked the marijuana-marinated 19 year old clerk for a hand.

MARIJUANA-MARINATED CLERK: Which one do you want?
DAN: Which one's cheapest?
MARIJUANA-MARINATED CLERK: (pointing to another option) That one's on sale.

Goodie. I reached for the sale item.

And froze.

This GSB stick was colored junior high school girl electric purple. On the packaging was written in breathless leatters: "Twists Open Just Like A Tube Of Lipstick!!"

It didn't look like a tube of lipstick. It looked like one of those discreet pocket-sized self-pleasuring aids professional women carry in their purses for trans-Atlantic flights.

I bought it anyway.

I might be cheap, but at least I'm secure in my masculinity.

"Silence Helps Perpetrators, Not Victims"

I have no idea where I picked up that quote, but it has always made me uncomfortable. I've always believed in letting others make their own decisions and minding my own business--but I've often worried I hide behind those beliefs as an excuse not to make a stand for what I believe is right.

Which Brings us to..

REASONS I LOVE COMEDY #1 (Being Able To Say What I want) and #3 (Surprising Myself)

The other night we had an unpleasant fellow at the comedy show. I was there on a date, which meant instead of sitting in my usual "gorilla position" where I can see both the crowd and the stage, I was in the back. I didn't think this guy was anything out of the ordinary.

But when I moved to my usual pre-show spot, I saw he was different.

The guy was grabbing at some girl in the crowd. I don't know if they were on a date, or if he had just met her there, but she didn't look very comfortable with his attentions. And he didn't look like he cared much what she thought.

He kept grabbing at her and she kept trying to push him away. If a cartoonist was to paint a thought bubble above her head, it might read something like: "This is the last time I go out with anyone I meet on Plentyoffish."

I wandered by the bench they were sitting, caught her eye and mouthed "are you all right?"

"I'm OK," she mouthed back, which judging from her body language and expression should be translated as: "I'm not okay, but I don't want to make a scene."

I'm familiar with that one. I am, after all, the man who years ago took a gay guy's phone number because I didn't want to embarrass him telling him I was straight.

I was quite irate that no one was doing anything. The whole point of having a date in a public place is to avoid these very situations. There are many things I love about human nature, but the bystander effect isn't one of them. And since I was one of the bystanders--and one of the few who could clearly see what was going on--the person I was most pissed off at for not stepping up was myself.

I pulled the MC, Mike Harrison, aside: "Man, that guy is not cool."

"I know, I know," Mike said. "I'm getting him out of here."

It was reassuring that Mike saw what was going on and was on top of things. But as I went up on stage, he was still getting people together..

The molester continued his molestations.

And that's when I took hold of the microphone, looked straight at the guy in front of the whole club and said: "I'm sorry. Is our show interrupting your DATE RAPE?"

A few minutes later, he was escorted out of the club sans woman.

I don't know if what I did was the right thing, or even if it made a difference. In crsis work, we're taught to be cautious about publicly calling people out for fear of the perpetrator taking it out on the other person later for "embarassing" him. They didn't LOOK like they were part of an ongoing relationship, so I felt pretty safe, but you never know. I didn't see what happened to the woman after, so there are a lot of unanswered questions in my mind.

And part of me felt it had to be said. Maybe to let the woman know it wasn't her fault and that she had support. Maybe to humiliate the guy so he didn't do it again. Maybe in hopes that taking a public stand might make a difference to someone watching in the audience.

Or maybe, it was someting I needed to do for myself.

It was a surprise to me that I was able to speak out. I'm not a public crusader and never have been. I don't see that changing in the future. At the same time, it was nice to know that I can speak up if I feel it needs to be done...even in front of a roomful of strangers and my comedian peers that I still feel nervous about impressing.

In the end, I'll never know what happened. I don't know if what I said was the right thing or even if it made a difference for anybody. I don't know that guy's story or if the woman was okay.

But that's how it goes. You make the best decisions you can and learn to live with the unknown.

That's not just a comedy lesson, but a life lesson. But comedy taught it to me, and that's one more reason I owe this business more than I can ever give back.

Things Dan Loves About Comedy #87 392: Comedians (And Other Funny People) Commenting On Each Other's Facebook Statuses

The Status:

"Dan Brodribb is contemplating taking Dawn's suggestion of naming his man-part "The Truth." Can you handle the Truth, baby?"

The ensuing comments:

Jeff: Mitch Fatel calls his "The Boss"
Adam: Yah, but then in intimate moments you'll be forever reminded of Tom Cruise shouting "I want The Truth!"
Dan Brodribb: Tom can't handle The Truth
Jacqulyn: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i so dont have a comment for this. im just completely and utterly amused
Laurie: I really think that Tom Cruise would very much like to handle The Truth though. I'd be careful Dan!
Shawn Gramiak: The problem is, we all inevitably come to the conclusion that no one really wants The Truth. Because The Truth hurts. Eventually people will ask you to water down The Truth, or bend and twist The Truth to fit their own devices.
Jeff: LOL Mr. Gramiak I tip my hat to your wit.
Dana: The Truth will set you free
Adam: "You can bend it and twist it... You can misuse and abuse it... But even God cannot change the Truth.”
Dawn Dumont: Don't give me credit for that - you came up with that all on your own.
Tanya: Or how about little man??
Shawn Gramiak: As long as its not Burning Man.
Shawn Gramiak: I love The Truth will set you free. However, also keep in mind that The Truth is often greatly exaggerated.
Lars Callieou: How about 'A Little White Lie'. A little white lie never hurt anyone.
Ryan Ash: your dick is brandon vera???
Shawn Gramiak: No, but Brandon Vera has sometimes been a...
Jeff: I was chatting with a guy at work and he came up with the best one yet. "Sometimes the Truth is hard to swallow." hee hee.

Dating For Shy Guys Book Update

I've decided to publish Dating for Shy Guys myself as an ebook in order to maintain my most exacting standards of quality control and as a means of taking a personal stand against the ravaging of the environment caused by the printing industry.

Also, that way I get to keep all the money.

Look for more information over the next month or two.

Comedy Entrance Exam (Opener's Edition) - Question 47: Spot The Idiot

Another comic and I were joking/complaining that there should be an written entrance exam aspiring comedians should be required to write before taking on a paid gig.

Here's my contribution, a completely hypothetical situation that has NEVER HAPPENED TO ME PERSONALLY AT LEAST THREE TIMES.

Question 47: Spot the Idiot In The Following Conversation.

OPENER: (an hour before the show) This is a great set-up, but you know, we've run into sound issues in the past, so it would make me feel a lot more comfortable if I checked the mic and sound myself before the show starts.
GUY RUNNNING THE SHOW: Oh, the sound system is great, little buddy. Don't be so nervous and have a drink.
OPENER: (shrugs and drops the subject)

Spot the Idiot.

(HINT: There are two of them)

Hot Chicks & Strangers

I have a couple articles I finished for Suicide Girls some time ago, but never published.

Topics are:

1. First Dates
2. Non-Monogamous Relationships

I'm going to be posting them on my Hot Chicks & Strangers blog over the next couple days.

Enjoy.

Things Dan Loves About Comedy #2995: Comics Amusing Themselves During A Bad Show

Amateur night at a local comedy club. The audience is...less than responsive. To anyone.

The person hit hardest by this is the MC. The other comics do their five minute and are out of there. He has to go back up after each act and stare unblinkingly into the cannon barrels of apathy.

I was not scheduled on the show tonight. I was standing backstage offering support--and by "showing support," I mean, "hoping someone didn't show up so I could go on." At some point during my career, I decided the badness or goodness of the crowd is none of my business. The only thing I care about is getting up there and doing the best job I can.

Ryan Ash was the MC on this night, and he was not having a good time.

RYAN: Man, I so do not want to go back up there.
DAN: You should let me go up after the next act wearing your shirt and see if they even notice.

So that's what we did.

They noticed...although it took them a couple seconds. They even laughed.

Then I tried telling a joke about the movie "Twilight", and they shifted peacefully and went back to sleep.

I brought the next act up and left the stage.

That would be a good place to end the story.

But as a wise man once said, anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

After the next act Jon Ramcharan went up wearing Ash's shirt to tell his own "Twilight" joke.

Jon is black; Ryan is white.

The crowd didn't give a shit.

Finally, Ryan went up again...not wearing a shirt at all.

The crowd still didn't react, but at that point we were just amusing ourselves anyways.

Good times. And I'm impressed by Ryan Ash's chest hair, which is nearly as expansive as mine. Whether it is as luxurious and sable-soft as mine is something I'll never know.


Upcoming Comedy
Thursday, December 17 - PRIVATE FUNCTION, Evansburg
Monday, December 21 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Upcoming Wrestling Appearances
Saturday, January 23 - OSCW New Year's Glory, Hazeldean Dome, Edmonton

Not The End, Not The Beginning Of The End, But The End Of The Beginning

Bastet and I are no longer romantically involved. Heartache is an annual Dan Brodribb Christmas tradition it seems.

As was the case last year, I’m hurt and sad, but not as sad or hurt as I THINK I should be given the circumstances. I can’t decide if it’s denial, equanimity, or that I just don’t have the capacity to be as bothered by relationship-stuff as most people. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I put so much thought and effort into romantic relationships is to convince myself I actually want one…or at least get enough practice in that when the time is right, I can do it without screwing it up.

But that’s not entirely true either.

Because--at this moment, at least--I am still love in with Bastet. Which is doubly frustrating because I’m convinced that if I wasn’t in love with her, she would be my perfect relationship.

But that’s how Being In Love works for me. It makes me behave in ways I wouldn’t normally behave. It makes me want things I wouldn’t expect from other people. It makes me put on the other person. It makes me put pressure on myself.

On the flip side, it’s also kind of fun. It’s cool at parties and has a way of convincing you to attempt things you never dreamed possible…with surprising and delightful results.

But for me personally, I feel a distinction between loving someone and being in love with them.

Loving comes from your core. It’s something that isn’t quite thought, isn’t quite emotion, isn’t quite behaviour. It’s the place inside you where all those things meet and combine to form something stronger and wiser and more honest than the sum of its parts. Loving means making the decision to listen to that part of yourself even at times you don‘t particularly feel like it.

Being in love is different.

I don’t trust being in love. Being in love is something that happens to you. It makes you compromise values you normally wouldn’t. It comes on you at inconvenient times with inconvenient people. And it has a way of slipping out the back door when nobody’s looking, often at the times when you most need it.

Worse, Being In Love isn’t very loving. Right now, for example, the part of me that is In Love with Bastet feels like it has failed. It’s hurt and scared and angry and humiliated. And it doesn’t understand why the rest of me isn’t hurt and scared and angry and humiliated too.

So it’s pulling good memories from the past and parading them before my eyes: Look at what you had and screwed up! It’s searching for mistakes like a crime scene detective scouring carpet fibers. It’s screaming about injustice like a tabloid reporter. It’s showing me all the ways I fell short and haranguing me about what I should have done differently. It’s dredging up every fear and insecurity. At the same time it’s pointing out every flaw real or imagined it can find in Bastet, looking for reasons to be resentful or jealous or self-righteous.

It’s hitting me in all the places that hurt the most , asking me what my friends will think of me and what her friends will thinki of me, showing me imaginary slides of Bastet happy without me, having sex, falling in love. It’s connecting the dots between this and every other relationship, drawing me a picture of myself under the caption: The Guy Who Can’t Make Her Happy. It's coming up with clever, legitimate sounding reasons for me to call her and tell her That One Important Thing You Forgot To Mention.

As far as upsetting me goes, it’s doing a pretty good job.

But I’m not bothered by being upset and that’s what makes the In Love part angriest of all. Why aren’t you mad? Look at what she’s done to us! Look at what we’ve done to ourselves!

And here is my answer:

I’m not upset because I love her. I chose to love her and I choose to keep loving her. I also choose to keep loving myself.

Written down it doesn’t look like much. The In Love part of me doesn’t understand.

I don’t blame it. I don’t completely understand it myself.

Loving won‘t fix anything. It won‘t change an situation we both knew was unworkable. It doesn’t clear my confusion or lessen the heartache. It doesn’t make me a better person. It won’t change what she feels. Most of all, it won’t answer any of the questions that the In Love part keeps screaming at me.

But in my own way, I am at peace.

Because I can love.

I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what I’m feeling from moment to moment. I don’t know what will happen. But I don’t need to know those things. Love is stronger and wiser and more truthful than I am. All I need to do is to remember in each moment-even this one, which quite frankly, isn't one of my favorites as far as moments go--to make that decision to keep loving.

The In Love part of me can yell and scream all it wants, but I know now that it is lying to me. It isn't "in love." It doesn’t care about love at all. It claims to love Bastet, but it doesn’t give a shit about her or what is best for her. It doesn't even like ME all that much. All it cares about is feeling like it has won. And if it can’t have that, it will lash out, trying to make others or other parts of me hurt like it hurts in order to feel less powerless and alone.

Truthfully, it's not doing a half-bad job. I'd give it a solid B-minus. But I've suffered worse things.

And now I know how to love. Bastet opened a door in me I didn’t know was there. Somehow I found the courage to walk through it even not knowing what awaited on the other side.

I wish I could repay her. I wonder if she grew as much from me as I did from her. I hope somehow she got something she needed from me. But that's just one more thing I can never know, and ultimately, doesn't matter.

What Bastet gained from our time together is up to her. I have no control over it, and furthermore, it's not really my business.

Right now myself is my business.

So I make the decision keep loving. Not just Bastet. Not just myself.

But I also choose to love that In Love part of myself. I can’t fix it. I can’t make its pain go away. I couldn’t get rid of it if I wanted.

But I can love it.

So instead of pushing it away, each moment that it wakes screaming in me like a terminal patient or a child gripped by a nightmare, I sit quietly at bedside, take its hand, and wait for morning.