Friday, May 06, 2005

April headLINES

Friday, April 1 - One more sleep til Motley Crue! Two more sleeps til Wrestlemania! Plus Sin City and Mitch Fatel! If I were a bell, I'd ring.

COMMMENTARY: Mitch was awesome, by the way. Thanks for asking. I missed the Crue concert and Wrestlemania, though I heard Motley put on a pretty good show. For my thoughts on Sin City, see below.

Saturday, April 2 - ed writer Dan Brodribb watches Sin City with a feminist friend. I thought the movie was mostly filmed in black and white, yet all she saw was red. Jessica Alba wasn't the only woman in that theatre trying not to scream.

COMMENTARY: I found Sin City unintentionally hilarious, which is the highest form of comedy. For more on unintentional hilarity, keep reading.

Sunday, April 3 - If you were a television executive with a hit show about Desperate Housewives, would you a) ride that show like a Vegas hot-streak or B) reschedule it, pre-empt it for awards shows, and generally make it as inaccessible as possible? That's what I thought.

Monday, April 4 - Michael Jackson fans are holding a candle-light vigil for him. Anyone care to wager how many jokes with the punch-line "who died and made him Pope?" hit the Internet by the time this issue of ed sees print?

Tuesday, April 5 - Adidas debuts "the world's most intelligent shoe." Because there's nothing more embarassing than having dumb shoes. My shoes are so stupid, they think they should come in pairs of three and a half because that's how many feet there are in a meter.

Wednesday, April 6 - I love the new Billy Idol single, which contains the essential elements of any great hard rock song: a good beat, awesome guitar riffs, and unintentionally hilarious lyrics. Every time he growls about how he's "gonna get extreme," I'm overcome with giggles.

Thursday, April 7 - According to the federal opposition, the sponsorship scandal is "about to get interesting." I guess they have a lot of free time on their hands.

Friday, April 8 - The City of Edmonton is receiving a lot of complaints about strays; They're asking citizens to please remember to put collars on their bullets.

Saturday, April 9 - At last the long awaited wedding of Charles and Camilla. Not even the Royal Family can resist the power of the Chicken Dance.

Sunday, April 10 - Only ten days left in the NBA regular season, and my team can still make the playoffs if they win twenty of their last six games. I guess that's why they call it a magic number. Math kills, but hope...hope is forever.

Monday, April 11 - 'Basketball' joins 'superheroes' as topics that ed writer Dan Brodribb is no longer allowed to write about. In other news, LeBron James is bitten by a radioactive spider.

Tuesday, April 12 - While pictures of Prince William doing the 'Y' in "YMCA" dominate the British tabloids, closer to home, the provincial conservatives work on how to appeal to a younger demographic. They're now having all their polling done by

Wednesday, April 13 - Om the twin subjects of websites and politics, wouldn't it rule if updates on the sponsorship scandal could be written by the woman who does the Survivor recaps on I still would't know what was going on, but at least it would be entertaining.

Thursday, April 14 - Thursday, April 14 - There's a new store by my house called Everything For A Dollar. I left a loonie on the counter and walked out with the cash register. It's not robbery--it's my way of winning the war with the seperatists. In other news, several bank robberies are foiled by a spider with the proportional strength and speed of LeBron James.

Friday, April 15 - Why is Josh Duhamel's picture on the advertising for the Edmonton Women's Show? He's not a woman. Says my father: "Yeah, but he plays one on television." My dad will not be joining the metrosexual revolution.

Saturday, April 16 - Edmonton celebrates multigenerational metal week as Helix, Motorhead, and the Donnas play gigs in the city. Gimme an ARRRRHH!

Sunday, April 17 - This close to the NBA playoffs my friends and I are struck with betting fever. I have Nash for MVP, Spurs for the champs, and Stephanie to run the table against the Kuror on Survivor.

Monday, April 18 - 18-34 year old males all over North America call in sick due to a 'chi'-draining outbreak of 'Jade Empire' flu, leaving their jobs undone. No one notices any difference.

Tuesday, April 19 - One of my Star Trek-obsessed friends is really looking forward to the upcoming Pop Culture Fair. I haven't seen him this excited since he misheard the title of Gwen Stefani's new single as "Holodeck Girl."

Wednesday, April 20 - Skinheads and costume-loving members of the Royal Family rejoice! It's Hitler's birthday. He was born in 1889, so if he were alive today, that would make him...a crazy mass-murderer. I remember this date because one of my ex-girlfriends shares a birthday with Hitler. I'd also like to say they share the same moustache, but that's the bitterness talking.

Thursday, April 21 - I just can't buy John Cena as the WWE Smackdown champ. He's a white rapper who uses a body slam as a finishing move. Giving him the belt is like giving Justin Timberlake a Vibe award. Meanwhile, on Survivor ghosts of the Ulong tribe whisper to Steph: "Join usss...Join us FOREVER!"

Friday, April 22 - For those who think video games promote violence, here's a quote from 13th century conquerer Genghis Khan: "My greatest joy is to shed my enemies' blood, wring tears from their womenfolk, and take their daughters for bedding." Think of the lives that could have been saved if he'd just had a copy of Grand Theft Auto.

COMMENTS: I love that quote. I’d like to have it on a fridge magnet.

Saturday, April 23 - No news today--I'm still recovering from the nightmares induced by the pictures of our elected officials on the front page of last Friday's Journal. Paul Martin looks like he's trying to hypnotize the reader like Thulsa Doom in "Conan the Barbarian" while Harper's mugshot makes him look like a "person of interest" in the cases of several missing Florida hitchhikers.

COMMENTS: Conan the Barbarian is one of the most quotable movies ever. It’s the ‘Caddyshack’ of the sword and sorcery genre.

Sunday, April 24 - Mariah Carey has a new album out. You remember her. The egomaniac who thinks everybody loves her, but is really just an embarassment. She's the musical equivalent of Theo Fleury.

Monday, April 25 - I've been spending way too much time with this woman I met. She's like a Nintendo Xbox--she has endless worlds to explore and she's addictive to the point where I ignore the other important things in my my Playstation.

Tuesday, April 26 - I'm on a new diet called the "Freelance Writer/Comedian Diet," which involves consuming nothing but Mr. Noodles, tap water, and second hand smoke. The pounds just melt away. I look like a Survivor winner. Too bad I don't feel like a million bucks.

COMMENTARY: If anyone from Mr. Noodles is reading, I’m available for product endorsements.

Wednesday, April 27 - I got home after a late night with my new 'Xbox' to find Playstation waiting for him in the living room. I can't even look it in the eyes.

Thursday, April 28 - On Survivor, the ghosts of the Ulong possess Jeff Probst causing him to levitate, exhale a cloud of flies, and burst into flames. Watching at home, season 2 contestant Mike kicks his TV and screams, "That's my gimmick!"

Friday, April 29 - This month in Cosmopolitan magazine: "The Biggest Sex Mistakes." If Paris Hilton didn't write this article, she should have.

COMMENTARY: I’d gone nearly four months without a single Paris Hilton joke. This is the first of two in two weeks. When I fall off the wagon, I fall hard.

Saturday, April 30 - PM Paul Martin and U2 singer Bono remain best friends and enjoy their usual sleepover. Best of all, Jack Layton will let them stay up an extra hour watching TV since it isn’t a school night.

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