For the Record (The Annotated Holy Diver)

For the record, in today's column, I reference the song Holy Diver. A great song, with horrible lyrics.

I'll prove it.

Here's the video.

And here are the lyrics, which are among the stupidest in recorded history.

HOLY DIVER
by Ronnie James Dio

Holy Diver
You've been down too long in the midnight sea[1]
Oh what's becoming of me? [2]

Ride the tiger [3]
You can see his stripes [4] but you know he's clean [5]
Oh don't you see what I mean [6]

Gotta get away [7]
Holy Diver

Shiny diamonds
Like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue [8]
Something is coming for you

Race for the morning
You can hide in the sun 'till you see the light [9]
Oh we will pray it's all right

Gotta get away-get away

Between the velvet lies
There's a truth that's hard as steel [10]
The vision never dies [11]
Life's a never ending wheel [12]

Holy Diver
You're the star of the masquerade [13]
No need to look so afraid [14]

Jump on the tiger [15]
You can feel his heart but you know he's mean [16]
Some light can never be seen

[1] So far so good, I guess. The song is about a diver in the midnight sea.
[2] Huh? What do you mean, "what's becoming of me?" The opening lines referred to "you." How did we get to first person?
[3] And this tiger, is it also down in the midnight sea? How does one ride a tiger underwater?
[4] The Diver may be Holy, but he isn't blind.
[5] Naturally. The midnight sea is an excellent cleanser. Although why you would care about the tiger's cleaniness is beyond me. Also, how does the word 'but' make any sense. Shouldn't it be "you can see his stripes SO you know he's clean?"
[6] Sorry, RJ. I'm lost.
[7] Who's gotta get away? And now that I think about it, what the f**k is a Holy Diver?
[8] I'm not touching this one
[9] Hide in the sun? Are we still underwater? Or are we riding the tiger? Also, I would suspect, it's pretty easy to see the light if you're hiding in the sun. For the billionth of a second it takes before you go blind, anyway. Also, there's no racing for the morning in the sun. The sun IS the morning.
[10] WTF?
[11] Ronnie James Dio: I don't care if it's nonsense, I need a word that rhymes with "lies"
[12] Ditto for "steel." Let's make it profound nonsense.
[13] What's he dressed up as? Either that or this word does not mean what Ronnie James Dio thinks it means.
[14] Perhaps his Holiness has a fear of masquerade stardom
[15] I wouldn't, if I were you.
[16] See [10] above
[17] Maybe we've been blinded from hiding in the sun.