Friday, December 09, 2005

November headLINES and updates

Upcoming Comedy
Sunday, December 11 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Sunday, December 18 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Thursday, January 5 - Yuk Yuks, Edmonton

Friday, December 16 - Christmas Shopping in the Edmonton Journal Living Section
Friday, December 30 - New Year's in the Edmonton Journal Living Section

And of course, Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears in ed every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal etc. etc. etc.

-Exciting times ahead...unfortunately, with the exception of my next middle show at Yuks on January 5, nothing's been confirmed yet. Watch this space for the glorious details. In the meantime, here are November's headLINES

Tuesday, November 1 - The NBA regular season is underway with a brand new look, courtesy of Commissioner David Stern's new dress code. The NBA: Come for the basketball--Stay for the fashion. Says Indiana Pacers bad boy Ron Artest: "Not only does my new Prada handbag bring out my eyes, there's plenty of room for my brass knuckles for when we go back to Detroit."

Wednesday, November 2 - Senior U.S. Vice Presidential aide Lewis 'Scooter' Libby is charged with perjury, false statements, and obstruction of justice after it is discovered that his nickname is not really 'Scooter,' but 'Watermelon-Butt.' The real Scooter--the stage manager for The Muppet Show--declined to comment.

Thursday, November 2 - A number of Calgary companies have been caught in an oil-for-food scandal involving Saddam Hussein's former Iraqi regime. It's like an episode of Arrested Development with cowboy hats. All that's missing is Henry Winker and a stair-car.

Friday, November 3 - Raffi 'Scooter' Torres is charged with perjury, false statements, and obstruction of justice after it is discovered that his name is neither 'Raffi' nor 'Torres,' but just Scooter. The real Tico Torres--Bon Jovi's drummer--and children's entertainer Raffi both declined to comment.

Saturday, November 5 - Two weeks ago, I made fun of Sean Fleming and he led the Esks to victory with five consecutive field goals. Last week I made fun of Raffi Torres and he scored the winning goal in overtime against the Red Wings the night before the issue went to press. I think I'm onto something. Hey, Stoll! Hemsky! You guys suck! Don't rush to thank me at once, Edmonton.

Sunday, November 6 - U2 lead singer Bono is one of the backers in a merger involving Edmonton-based game company BioWare. I guess after playing Jade Empire he found what he was looking for.

Monday, November 7 - Rumor has it the NDP may try to force a Christmas election. Is 'None of the Above' going to be on the ballot? At least I'll have a legitimate excuse for not getting my shopping done.

Tuesday, November 8 - Embattled Conservative leader Stephen Harper says he's ready for a Christmas election. He's got his concession and farewell speeches ready and everything.

Wednesday, November 9 - November in Edmonton seems like a weird time to have a rodeo. Then aagain, nothing says "Yee-HAW" like sliding your Corolla uncontrollably through the Groat Road traffic circle.

Thursday, November 10 - Paul Martin says a Christmas election will grind government business to a halt. After all, a lot of those companies involved in the sponsorship scandal expect Christmas bonuses. Taxpayer dollars aren't going to give themselves away, you know.

Friday, November 11 - On Remembrance Day, I like to remember my great-uncle, a contestant on a show called 'Survivor: Vimy Ridge.' He didn't get a million dollars, but he never had to buy another drink for the rest of his life and he got a metal plate in his head that won him an astonishing number of bar bets. Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

Saturday, November 12 - NDP leader Jack Layton is politely asking Paul Martin's Liberals to pretty please make the decision to step down and call an election--a patently ridiculous strategy. The 'call an election part' is fine; the 'asking Paul Martin to make a decision' is the impossible part.

Sunday, November 13 - RIP Eddie Guerrero (1967-2005). Hope heaven is ready for some "Lyin', Cheatin,' & Stealin.'"

Monday, November 14 - As riots rock the streets, France continues to cement its reputation as a wussy country by becoming the first nation in history to surrender to itself. Ha-Ha! The only thing more fun than making fun of France is making fun of Toronto.

Tuesday, November 15 - Speaking of which, If you were part of an Alberta police force whose mandate was 'to regain the trust of the public,' would you hire a guy from Toronto? That's what I thought. At least the ethics watchdog can relax a little--the Leafs are only in town once this season.

Wednesday, November 16 - Apparently there are a lot of holes in the case against Saddam Hussein. Unfortunately, they're bullet holes, and they can be found in the torso of his defence team. He doesn't need Perry Mason. He needs 50-Cent and his bulletproof vest.

Thursday, November 17 - Has there ever been a 'Survivor' contestant more unappealing than Judd? And don't bother e-mailing me about Jonny Fairplay--At least he was interesting. If you gave me a choice between hanging out with Judd or having my brains eaten by those beetles from 'Supernatural,' I'd have to flip a coin.

Friday, November 18 - The new Harry Potter movie opens this weekend, the one where they pick his name out of the "Goblet of Fire" to do an impossible task. I don't want to give away the ending, but apparently all charges against Saddam are dropped, and the two of them fly away on Harry's magical broom.

Saturday, November 19 - O.J. Simpson says Robert Blake was a victim of injustice. Now. O.J., let's go over it one more time: Traditionally in murder cases, we reserve the term 'victim' for the dead person. There are so many punchlines here, I don't know where to begin. Too bad they're all stored behind my box of Super Nintendo cartridges in a box marked '1995.'

Sunday, November 20 - The Edmonton Eskimos teach the world a valuable lesson in cooperation and brotherhood as quarterbacks Ricky Ray and Jason Maas work together to send the Esks to the Grey Cup. If Shaq and Kobe could have done the same, the Lakers would have two more NBA titles right now.

Monday, November 21 - A woman I know on the new Parti Quebecois leader Andre Boisclair: "He looks like the bus driver for the 120 to Jasper Place. At least now I understand why the two front seats of the 7:18 are designated as 'distinct society seating.'
Tuesday, November 22 - Other Canadian celebrity lookalikes: Jason Maas...and the devil. I'm not kidding. Maybe Sean Fleming's mysterious kicking improvement over the course of the season isn't such a mystery after all.

Wednesday, November 23 - Prince Albert II ascends the throne of Monaco. Heh-heh. Prince Albert. Some days these jokes write themselves.

Thursday, November 24 – Ralph Klein is giving money away? Has he been replaced by aliens or is he just jealous that Prince Albert of Monaco has a funnier nickname than King Ralph?.

Friday, November 25 - The honeymoon is over at Edmonton Eskimos practices. Some rascal put a 'Kick Me' sign on Ricky Ray's back..and Sean Fleming put him through the uprights from forty-six yards out. Reportedly, Jason Maas laughed so hard flies came out of his mouth, but he disappeared in a flash of brimstone before reporters could get comments.

Saturday, November 26 - November 26 is Buy Nothing Day, where we refuse to indulge in our consumer culture by not spending any money, or I like to call it--Date Night.

Sunday, November 27 - The Edmonton Eskimos win the 2005 Grey Cup in overtime, capping one of the most physically gruelling seasons ever. I think I pulled a hamstring with all that jumping on and off the bandwagon.

Monday, November 28 - After the Liberals lose a non-confidence motion, the stage is set for an January vote, despite worries that "Canadians don't want another election." Yes, because Canadians have always been against democracy. Hockey games aren't decided by votes; they're decided by shoot-outs. Why should government be any different?

Tuesday, November 29 – Looks like the Black Eyed Peas have a new member—Edmonton Eskimos coach Danny Maciocia. Said Peas member Fergie: “We wanted someone with a similar dance style.”

Wednesday, November 30 - Fans everywhere are distraught over the break-up of Jessica Simpson and Nick What's-his-name. I haven't seen people this upset over a break-up since Conservative backbenchers had to retire their 'I Heart Peter and Belinda' t-shirts.

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