Tuesday, November 15, 2005

October headLINES (better late than never)

Saturday, October 1 - The American Association of Sunday and Feature Editors recognized the Journal's ed magazine for fearlessness and innovation. Like the time we put the Miss Grand Prix girls on the cover of ed. Bet the competition wishes they thought of that.

Sunday, October 2 - The Edmonton Oilers want to replace Rexall/Skyreach/Northlands Coliseum/Place/Centre with a new rink. I guess they're tired of renaming the old one.

Monday, October 3 - CBC employees are going back to work, which means we'll see Don Cherry on TV this year after all. In preparation for his return, men's fashion experts have already begun clawing out their own eyes.

Tuesday, October 4 - ed Top 10 writer Lars Callieou and I had a great time working on ed's bar special this week. The best part was trying to beat cover charges all over the city under the guise of research. "Fearlessness and Innovation" are our middle names.

Wednesday, October 5 - Lars and I thought we had it made being sent to work on the strip club section of the bar guide, until Lars realized: "Hey that's a MALE stripper. I bet he isn't a real cop either."

COMMENTARY: This story never actually happened. Lars and I wanted to be very clear on that.

Thursday, October 6 - Turns out he was a real cop. He just needed a night job after withdrawing his candidacy for police chief.

Friday, October 7 - American citizens are complaining about President Bush's decision to appoint Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court in spite of her complete lack of qualifications. Weren't American citizens the ones who voted both Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger into political office? They're just prejudiced against Miers because she never appeared in 'The Running Man.'

COMMENTARY: They were also in Predator together. For the record.

Saturday, October 8 - Oiler Ryan Smyth is out of the line-up after Jason Maas took out his knee with a crowbar, yelling "Somehow, some way, I'm going to play somewhere this season!" I guess it worked; he's already signed to fight Tonya Harding in a foxy boxing match.

Sunday, October 9 - The Green Bay Packers win their first game of the NFL season by a margin of nearly fifty points. In other news, the sun rises in the West, Elvis returned to deliver a message of peace and hope from the back of a winged giraffe, and Tom Cruise admitted there might be something to this psychiatry business after all.

Monday, October 10 - Telus and its union are close to a settlement, which means we can expect Telus to "resume it's previous level of service." In that case, maybe I should smash my phone with a hammer now and save myself the aggravation.

Tuesday, October 11 - Season 2 of Arrested Development on DVD, leftover turkey, and
unused sick time...Looks like I'm going to be thankful just a little bit longer.

Wednesday, October 12 - Why do they put Halloween candy on sale six weeks before Halloween? My grocery store receipts are starting to look like David Dingwall's expense account. We aren't even halfway through the month, and I've already gained fifteen pounds and an extra chin.

Thursday, October 13 - PM Paul Martin vows to get tough with the U.S. about the softwood lumber dispute. If the Americans don't shape up, he's going to write a sternly-worded anonymous one-liner to Venting.

Friday, October 14 - Just-In-Case-You-Were-Thinking-of-Trying-It...Don't Dept. The Halloween Candy and Leftover Thanksgiving Turkey Diet. It tastes pretty good, but after four days, I was feeling a little queasy. Too bad I used all my sick time.

Saturday, October 15 - Rob and Amber, two reality show stars who gained fame on Survivor are in town, which is fitting since watching the competition for a new police chief is like watching a bizarro-world version of Survivor where the contestants are TRYING to get voted off the island.

Sunday, October 16 - Memo to Michael Flatley: Wearing a ridiculous Masters of the Universe costume and being joined on stage by girls in bikinis does not make you a Celtic Tiger, no matter how much you look like Larry Bird. Not that I was there or anything.

Monday, October 17 - Prince Harry is training at the Royal Military Academy. It will help him with his royal duties in the event he's challenged to single combat by the leader of another nation...or in case Daniel Craig doesn't work out as the new James Bond.

Tuesday, October 18 - A surveyor's error means the Alberta/Saskatchewan border may be wrong. Does this mean we have to split our prosperity cheques with the people of Lloydminster? Because $399.97 doesn't go nearly as far.

Wednesday, October 19 - You know you're getting desperate for a Halloween costume when you start looking at the guy dressed as Sailor Moon from a past issue of ed and think, "You know, I think I could pull that off."

Thursday, October 20 - I picked up a new book called "In Praise of Slow," about reducing the pace of modern life, but I haven't yet had time to read it. Maybe I'll get an audio version so I can fast-forward through the boring parts.

Friday, October 21 - Prince Harry defeats Prince Nana from Ghana in gladiator combat. Meanwhile Paul Martin and George W. Bush are all set to settle their softwood differences over a spirited game of Connect Four. That does it--North America is officially WussyLand.

COMMENTARY: Prince Nana is a real character, though he's not a real prince. He's Jimmy Rave's manager in Ring of Honor wrestling. Aren't you glad I do my research?

Saturday, October 22 - Alice Cooper performed at the Winspear of all places. Take note, up and coming artists, he might be old, but the guy's been cutting off his own head at shows for over thirty years. Now that's commitment.

Sunday, October 23 - Solicitor General Harvey Cenaiko is in hot water for trying to ban coffee and other caffeinated products from Alberta prisons. He's braver than me. Law-abiding citizens going though caffeine withdrawal are scary enough, let alone someone who can turn a toothbrush into a murder weapon.

Monday, October 24 - Tragedy struck at the Monday night open stage at the Sidetrack Cafe when local singer/songwriter Ben Spencer was hospitalized for blood loss after cutting off his own head. Apparently, it isn't as easy as Alice Cooper makes it look.

Tuesday, October 25 - In an NHL special treat, the Edmonton Oilers' opponents tonight will be...the Colorado Avalanche. Again. Since their latest expansion, the NHL has, like, 948 teams. Can't we play one of them for a change? It would be nice to lose to someone different, that's all.

Wednesday, October 26 - Saddam Hussein's trial has been delayed again, after he had a scuffle with his guards. Maybe they let him have too much coffee.

Thursday, October 27 - A pair of Montreal parents are suing a teacher for being verbally abusive to their child. Preposterous. Verbal abuse is good for kids. Professor Snape was sarcastic and condescending too, yet that Harry Potter kid turned out okay.

Friday, October 28 - Katie Holmes is pregnant. I wonder who the father is. Oh, come on. I can't be the only one thinking it.

Saturday, October 29 - The good news: Sean Fleming kicked five field goals in the Edmonton Eskimos victory over B.C. in CFL action. The Bad News: I have to pick another local sports figure to mercilessly abuse. How does everybody feel about Raffi Torres?

Sunday, October 30 - 10 years ago today, in a close referendum, the people of Quebec voted to remain a part of Canada. Well, except for the Nordiques.

Monday, October 31 - For a special Halloween treat, ed writer Dan Brodribb appears on the Adler on Line radio show talking as an expert on women relationships. I will now pause so my ex-girlfriend can wipe the tears of laughter from her eyes and seek medical treatment for the burns suffered from spraying hot coffee out her nose.

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