Tuesday, October 11, 2005

September headLINES & Updates.

Upcoming:
Comedy:
Tuesday, October 12 - Yuk Yuks
Sunday, October 16 - The Comic Strip


Writing
-Friday, October 14 - The Edmonton Journal's Living Section
-Friday, October 28 - The Edmonton Journal's Living Section

-My website is nearly finished. I'm very excited. If I were a bell, I'd ring.

-I went in today to shoot the artwork for my next couple of Journal articles. Everyone at the Journal did a great job. I look like a total fool--which pleases me, because looking like a total fool is what pays my rent. I can't wait to see them when my articles come out this Friday and Friday, October 28

Enjoy September's headLINES:

Thursday, September 1 - Two more months until the start of the NBA regular season. So far my Utah Jazz are undefeated at 0-0. I have a feeling this will be the happiest I'll be all year.

Friday, September 2 - Edmonton Hemp Fest Day kicks into full swing. Hemp is a very useful material that can be used to make many things like rope and clothes...and oh come on, who are these people trying to kid? When was the last time you heard of anyone celebrating Hemp Fest with a tug-of-war?


Saturday, September 3 - At the tattoo festival this weekend I got a tattoo on my face...of Brad Pitt's face. Maybe I'll have better luck with women now that I'm telling them I'm 'in town working on a movie.'

Sunday, September 4 - Local singer/songwriter Vic de Sousa does a gig as an Elvis impersonator at West Edmonton Mall. Judging from the number of screaming women, I got the wrong tattoo.

Monday, September 5 - Retired seven time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong and singer Sheryl Crow are engaged. Do you think we'll see them around town on a bicycle built for two?

Tuesday, September 6 - Hey, everybody! Fraggle Rock is out on DVD! I am not happy about this. The show was cancelled in 1987 and it took me another twelve years to get that stupid theme song out of my head. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

Wednesday, September 7 - University starts today. I love U of A in September. The clean-smelling air, the golden leaves--and the first-years are still dressing up for classes. Take a good look. In three weeks, it'll be scrunchies, sweatpants, and Golden Bear hoodies like everyone else.

Thursday, September 8 - CN claims they have an 'above average' record when it comes to avoiding oil spills. There you go--a C+. What are you tree-huggers complaining about?

Friday, September 9 - This month Cosomopolitan magazine celebrates 40 years with its finger on the pulse of modern womanhood. This month's article: 50 Ways to be a Better Girlfriend. You've come a long way, baby.

Saturday, September 10 - Todd Babiak might be able to write novels about city landmarks, but can he make amusing signs to hold up for the cameras at Monster Pro Wrestling events? I don't like to brag, but I think it's clear who the real artist is.

Sunday, September 11 - Outrageous gas prices are causing a lot of controversy these days. One guy almost died when he saw the price of a tank of unleaded. It was one of those environmentalist flakes--he was laughing so hard, he nearly fell off his ten-speed.

Monday, September 12 - Circle your calendars and sharpen your cutlasses, me hearties. There's just seven days left til Sepember 19--Talk Like A Pirate Day. Check out www.talklikeapirate.com for examples of how far a combination of 'enterprenerial spirit' and 'way too much time on one's hands' can take you. Aye, 'tis a heady grog.

Tuesday, September 13 - "You can DANCE...You can JIIIVVVE...Having the time of your Life!" What kind of sadist's idea was it to write a musical about ABBA? I saw Mamma Mia! on the weekend, and now I can't get 'Dancing Queen' out of my head. Did I say cutlasses earlier? I need a lobotomy knife.

Wednesday, September 14 - The Edmonton Police Commission is having a hard time finding candidates to interview for the job of police chief. They should interview me. To catch a crook, you have to be able to think like a crook...and I've played a lot of Grand Theft Auto on PlayStation.

Thursday, September 15 - Kicking-a-Man-When-He's-Down-Department: Edmonton Eskimos kicker Sean Fleming is frustrated about the missed field goals that have landed him on the bench in recent weeks. He says he could just kick himself...of course he'd probably miss.

Friday, September 16 - I don't blame Fleming. He's just been unlucky. He's been so unlucky members of the Edmonton Police Commission have been phoning him saying, "Boy, you've sure been jinxed lately."

Saturday, September 17 - The new designs for the Edmonton Art Gallery are pretty good, but if they want to make it great, they should have it designed by the same guy who did the city of Minas Tirith in the third Lord of the Rings movie. Just thinking out loud here.

Sunday, September 18 - William Shatner wins an Emmy for his acting? Is there an apocalypse going on no one told me about?

Monday, September 19 - Ex-PM Brian Mulroney his been scandalized by some off-color comments he made to a person he thought was a friend, only to find out they taped the conversations and used them for personal gain. Weird--I thought Linda Tripp's 15 minutes of fame was up six years ago.

Tuesday, September 20 - System of a Down has great music, but just because they sing about poor people going to war, it doesn’t make them the “most relevant band in the world.” It just makes them an Armenian-American Creedence Clearwater Revival. Not that that’s a bad thing.

Wednesday, September 21 – Now that Mark Messier is retired, maybe he’d accept a job as Edmonton’s police chief. We know he’s tough, and at least he’d have an excuse to get into hockey games for free.


Thursday, September 22 - Local comedian Andrew Iwanyk's Thursday night talent search at Picard's Coffeehouse by Grant MacEwan to discover the 'funniest person on campus' has turned into a quest to discover 'funniest person on campus not at home watching 'The O.C.' Clearly the government needs to start spending more on education--those poor students can't even afford TiVo.

Friday, September 23 - My comedy set at Andrew Iwanyk's Thursday night talent search was ruined by a heckler who just wouldn't stop yelling at me. He was profane, he was abusive, he was arrogant...why didn't anyone tell my Brian Mulroney was in town?

Saturday, September 24 - I think all our streets should be named after former Oilers, just because giving directions would be so much fun. "Take Coffey over to Gretzky and then to Kurri. That should get you to Winner's. Avoid Semenko--it's really slow, and if you find yourself on Steve Smith then you're going the wrong way."

Sunday, September 25 - Ashton Kucher marries a much-older Demi Moore. Moore's kids from her previous marriage refer to him as My Other Dad--which is weird, since they were home babysitting him at the time.

Monday, September 26 - Umm...Happy Birthday, Olivia Newton-John? So sue me--it's a slow news day.

Tuesday, September 27 - Thanks to oil revenue surpluses, the provincial government will be reimbursing us $400 or half a tank of gas, whichever is cheaper.

Wednesday, September 28 - Recently Jennifer Aniston told Oprah Brad Pitt no longer occupies her every waking thought. See, Edmonton? If she can move on, so can we.

Thursday, September 29 - Not every Edmontonian is obsessed with Pitt though. Some are obssessed with hockey. When they heard there was a movie called Mr. and Mrs. Smith they wondered if it was about Jason or a misspelling of Ryan.

Friday, September 30 - Albertans are complaining about the government's method of distributing the $400--namely, hiding it at the end of the Lacombe Corn Maze. When asked what he had to say to citizens thrashing through poorly lit, unlabeled, and overgrown trails to get to where they were going a senior infrastructure official shrugged and said: "Get used to it."

1 comment:

Cori Quite Contrary said...

Poor Steve Smith; will he ever live that down?