Thursday, September 08, 2005

August headLINES & updates

-Congratulations to KERRY UNGER, whose Comedy Now! special aired last week. I would have plugged it here, but I didn't know it was happening. However, Kerry will be appearing at the Edmonton Yuk Yuks from September 15 to 17th. As far as local talent goes, Kerry has been the biggest influence on the way I do stand-up whose initials aren't A.I. (For the record, that would be ANGIE ISMOND and ANDREW IWANYK)

-I've got a couple more upcoming humor articles in the Journal. I'm doing a photo shoot for one next week, so it could see print as soon as next Friday.

-Storyteller Magazine is looking to pick up a short story I wrote called 'Tyrannosaurus Al.' I'm doing some edits right now, and I'll post on the blog information as it develops.

Without further ado, on to August's headLINES

Monday, August 1 - We are fighting the Danish, right? Or is it the Dutch? Either way, it'll be a war for the ages. It's a good thing it's a long weekend.

Tuesday, August 2 - It's Motley Crue...Again. First they wouldn't come here at all, now they won't leave.

Wednesday, August 3 - VEHICLE FOR SALE: Space shuttle, 1984, white. Fair condition. 158 859 429 km. Call 555-NASA.

Thursday, August 4 - Folkfest begins, and as much as I'd love to see Alpha Blondy & the Solar System just on their name alone, what I really want to do is be among people who thought it was cool when Max Sterling dressed his giant robot in a Zentraedi uniform. Hence, I'll be spending the weekend at...

Friday, August 5 - ...Animethon 12, featuring the best in Japanese anime. It's the only one of our many festivals where you can get together with friends and talk about how Neon Genesis Evangelion will never measure up to Astroboy and then get shot down trying to pick up girls dressed like Sailor Moon.

Saturday, August 6 - There's nothing like sitting in a downpour watching Ruthie Foster sing "Another Rain Song" while trying to use the power of your mind to will the patch of blue sky on the horizon to float over to Gallagher Hill. I love this city. Where else can you be so miserable and so happy at the same time.

Sunday, August 7 - Also overheard at the Folk Fest: "Boy, this hill is tippy." aren't on the hill, sport. Maybe you should spend more time listening to the music, and less money at the beer tent.

Monday, August 8 - Special thanks to the ed reader who after reading that I found Sailor Moon costumes sexy sent in some pictures from Animethon. I said GIRLS in Sailor Moon costumes, damn it. Now, hand me that oven brush--I'm off to scrub my eyeballs.

Tuesday, August 9 - As small-market teams continue to sign big-name free agents, it becomes clear the players have taken a pretty big pay cut in the new NHL collective bargaining agreement. Games will now end with the PA announcer reminding fans to "please remember to tip your goalie."

Wednesday, August 10 - Oil and gas prices take another jump. It's gotten so bad, the other day I saw a bunch of guys heading out to Lake Wabamun with jerry cans.

Thursday, August 11 - Scientists have discovered a 10th planet, a desolate waste of rock and ice in a freezing, empty void. Defense Minister Bill Graham is already on his way to claim it for Canada

Friday, August 12 - Hey, everybody, it's Ben Affleck's birthday today. For those of you who care, let's give him a real treat: Let's pretend Gigli never happened.

Saturday, August 13 - U.S. fighters accidentally bomb Australia. Accidentally? How do you make that kind of mistake? Australia is its own continent, for crying out loud. There's a Crocodile Hunter joke crying to be made here, but I'm too disgusted to bother.

Sunday, August 14 - More violence in the city as a wedding reception ends with three stabbings and a hit-and-run. All things considered, though, things could have been a lot worse. At least they waited to start the bloodbath until after the pictures were taken.

Monday, August 15 - There's a new device for cell phones now, called the Jerk-O-Meter that tells you if you're being annoying during your conversations. What's the point? If you're so antisocial you need a machine to tell you that you're being a creep, you probably aren't spending that much time on the phone.

Tuesday, August 16 - Bertuzzi's been reinstated in the NHL following a suspension for attacking another player from behind. No news whether other players will be adding rear-view mirrors to their equipment or just putting little stop signs on the back of their jerseys like the kids in minor hockey.

Wednesday, August 17 - I've used up all my cell phone minutes pestering Journal personality-cum-actor Olivia Cheng on the set of her new mini-series trying to convince her to get me Dwight Yoakam's autograph. And guess what? I set a new high score on my Jerk-O-Meter.

Thursday, August 18 - Since thanks to the U.S., Australia is now a bombed-out wasteland (There's a Mad Max joke crying out to be made here, but I'm too disgusted to bother), the Crocodile Hunter will now be filmed in Afghanistan--"Crikey! Take a look at this little beauty! It's Osama bin-Laden!)

Friday, August 19 - Speaking of Mad Max, with gas prices hitting 9 837 dollars a barrel, is anyone else tempted to go Road Warrior and started raiding small Alberta towns for their fuel? Lord Humungus, you were a man ahead of your time.
Saturday, August 13 - U.S. fighters accidentally bomb Australia. Accidentally? How do you make that kind of mistake? Australia is its own continent, for crying out loud. There's a Crocodile Hunter joke crying to be made here, but I'm too disgusted to bother.

Saturday, August 20 - I had more fun at Louise McKinney park than the fans at Commonwealth Stadium did watching Damon Allen celebrate his 406th birthday with a win over the Esks, but wouldn't the Dragon Boat races be even better if the boats actually breathed fire at one another? Don't tell me I'm the first person to have thought of this.

Sunday, August 21 - As Edmonton sweltered beneath a blazingly hot sun, a bunch of Fringe-goers did the unthinkable to escape the heat--they actually bought tickets and went to some of the plays.

Monday, August 22 - John Cena remains the lamest WWE champion of all time. If you're reading this and just asked yourself 'John WHO?" you just proved my point exactly.

Tuesday, August 23 - The U.S. continues to encourage energy companies to find sound alternatives to Middle East oil. President George W. Bush recently earmarked $4 billion dollars to explore vehicles that run on "happy thoughts and a handful of pixie dust."

Wednesday, August 24 - The Simpsons DVD set with the Homer's head-shaped box is a great idea--until you have to fit the thing in with the rest of your collection. Did the the manufacturers learn nothing from Total Recall?

Thursday, August 25 - The media has been criticizing PM Paul Martin for rushing his appointment of new Governor General Michaelle Jean. Hey, at least he made a decision this time. Baby steps, folks, baby steps.

Friday, August 26 - Product placement isn't just for NASCAR anymore. The other night I saw a dragon boat with a Texaco sticker on the side. It's going to be entered in the "Second-Star-to-the-Right-and-Straight on til Morning 5000."

Saturday, August 27 - Microsoft announces it will be sponsoring the Edmonton Eskimos football club for the rest of the year. "It's a perfect match," a spokesman enthused. "We're both known for games that don't run very well."

Sunday, August 28 - Local comedian Andrew Iwanyk describes the new Sunday night comedy show at the Thirsty Turtle as 'gladiator comedy.' He's right. It's like 'Soulcalibur' with dirty jokes. Are you not entertained?

Monday, August 29 - At the MTV Video Music Awards, host Sean "P. Diddy, Puffy, Diddy, Living-Example-of-why-Famous-People-Shouldn't-be-Allowed-to-Choose-their-own-Nicknames" Coombs awarded $100 000 prize to the best dressed celebrity "to help pay for gas." Too bad the Province of Ontario wasn't nominated for anything--they could have used that money.

Tuesday, August 30 - Hey, that new kickboxing movie, Ong Pak is out on DVD today. That's a must-buy for me. Maybe I'll pick up some moves I can use at the Thirsty Turtle.

Wednesday , August 31 - I'm tired of the constant wrangling between the police commission and EPS. This is Alberta. Why don't we just privatize law enforcement? It worked in 'Robocop.'

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