Sunday, March 29, 2009

New Suicide Girls Article Up

New Suicide Girls article is up here. I like this one, and while it isn't for children's eyes, I hope people dig it. It's on labelling women.

Old School Championship Wrestling held its inaugural event last night. A good time was had by all. I learned a lot, the matches were entertaining, and the after-party was a blast...basically my three criteria for a successful wrestling event. There is some strong talent in OSCW, and I'm looking forward to the next show on April 18.

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, March 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, March 31 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, April 7 - Zombie Laughpocalypse, New City, Edmonton
Monday, April 20 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton

Writing
Dan Brodribb's Geek Love, a column on relationships appears in the culture section at www.suicidegirls.com. Check out the latest column here.

Dan's Wrestling writing appears at worldwrestlinginsanity.com Check out his current article here.

Other Appearances
Saturday, April 18- OSCW Wrestling - Hazeldean Community Hall

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Inner Peace Or Outer Pieces?

I'm trying to be a good Buddhist. I really am.

Unfortunately, overactive imaginations and meditation are not a great combination.

Here's what happened:

I was sitting in the meditation hall (And by Meditation hall, of course, I mean T's basement) with my fellow Buddhists. As is standard in this particular tradition, we were all meditating facing the walls of the room.

We were meditating for thirty-five minutes. For a relative beginner like me, it often feels like a long time(*) between the gongs that start and end meditation.

My mind does not like to sit still. It wants me to get up and do stuff. And yesterday it enlisted an ally in its neverending quest to distract me--my own imagination.

DAN (not out loud): Notice the rhythm of the in- and out-breaths as I serenely contemplate...
DAN'S MIND: Hey. Hey
DAN: Shush. I'm kicking serious egoic ass over here.
DAN'S MIND: Yeah, but you know what would be freaky?
DAN: I'm not listening. I'm simply letting the thoughts go...
DAN'S MIND: Wouldn't it be freaky if the reason the gong hasn't run yet is because everyone but you died? What if you're meditating alone in a room full of corpses?
DAN: That's not happening.
DAN'S MIND: Of course not. That would be ridiculous. Forget I said anything.

(A moment of silence)

DAN: I hate you.
DAN'S MIND: Hey, don't mind me. Go back to meditating.
DAN: I am NOT meditating in a room full of dead people. Everyone is just fine.
DAN'S MIND: I know.
DAN: So let's drop the subject.
DAN'S MIND: Fine.
DAN: Fine.
DAN'S MIND: I'm just saying it would be freaky is all.
DAN: You aren't getting to me, you know. I can hear breathing. People are still alive.
DAN'S MIND: Oh yeah. For sure. Of course...
DAN: Of course what?
DAN'S MIND: Well, what if that isn't your friends breathing?
DAN: Shut up.
DAN'S MIND: What if it's the Japanese girl from The Ring crawling up behind you?
DAN: F***K!!!
DAN'S MIND: She's getting cloooserrr...
DAN: I'm not turning around...
DAN'S MIND: She's right behind you...reaching for you...
DAN: Not turning around. I am one with the universe, I am one with the universe...
GONG: GOONNNNNGG!!!!!
DAN and DAN'S MIND: AAAAIIIIEEEEEEE!

Overactive Imagination - 1 Buddha Nature 0

(*) I've been doing comedy for four years and I'm at thirty minutes on a GOOD night. How they're expecting me to meditate for thirty-five minutes after just a couple months is beyond me. I often find myself spending the time imagining Buddhist comedians--"Gong me at thirty minutes."

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, March 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, March 31 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, April 7 - Zombie Laughpocalypse, New City, Edmonton
Monday, April 20 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton

Writing
Dan Brodribb's Geek Love, a column on relationships appears in the culture section at www.suicidegirls.com. Check out the latest column here.

Dan's Wrestling writing appears at worldwrestlinginsanity.com Check out his current article here.

Other Appearances
Saturday, March 28 - OSCW Wrestling - Hazeldean Community Hall

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dan Gets A Piercing

I got my eyebrow pierced on Monday. It was an impulse mutilation.

I was curious as to how they would do it. A laser? A hole-punch? Nope. Just a big-ass needle through the eyeball like a Japanese horror movie.

Reminds me of the story of my first piercing.

When I was a teenager, I snuck out of my house to a house party. In a moment of drunken ingenuity, some of the folks there decided to pierce their own nipples. They decided to practice on my ear using a needle and ice cube.

The piercing was a success (I'm glad they did my ear BEFORE the nipple attempts), but they didn't want to use any of the alcohol to disinfect the wound so they poured aftershave on it instead.

I went home and--afraid of waking everyone up--went downstairs and turned the television on. My plan was to pretend I fell asleep downstairs watching television.

Which would have been a fine plan...if I fell asleep in front of the televsion and then a frat party broke in, spilled beer and aftershave all over me and then pierced my ear.

I never claimed to be a jeenius.

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, March 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, March 31 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, April 7 - Zombie Laughpocalypse, New City, Edmonton
Monday, April 20 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton

Writing
Dan Brodribb's Geek Love, a column on relationships appears in the culture section at www.suicidegirls.com. Check out the latest column here.

Dan's Wrestling writing appears at worldwrestlinginsanity.com Check out his current article here.

Other Appearances
Saturday, March 28 - OSCW Wrestling - Hazeldean Community Hall

Monday, March 23, 2009

More Reasons Dan Loves Comedy & New Wrestling Article

The recent passing of Andrew "Test" Martin is the latest in a long line of wrestling deaths. Death and the wrestling busines is something I've been forced to think about a lot more than I'd like to, and I still haven't completely sorted out my feelings. My rather confused article on the subject is here.

REASONS I LOVE COMEDY #992 493

I did a corporate show(*) on Saturday for a formal fundraiser for a woman's volleyball league. 400 people, 350 of whom were athletic women dressed to the nines (**).

Lars had to grab me by the ear and drag me out of there...

(*)Corporate shows are the Texas Hold 'Em of Comedy. The margin for error is smaller, the stakes are higher, and if you can't read people, you might as well go home. They can also be the most satisfying shows to do well.

(**) On the other hand, before you get too jealous, consider we had to drive home in a blizzard. [sarcastic font] Special thanks goes to the truck who bombed by us at 130km/h and whited-out our windshield. Nothing like not knowing where the road or vehicles ahead of you are while being unable to slow down because of the cars behind you to make you truly feel alive. [/sarcastic font]

REASONS I LOVE COMEDY #992 494

Zombie Laughapocalypse on April 7 at New City.

I get to dress up like a zombie and do comedy about it. Not only challenging from a comedic stand-point, but ridiculously fun-sounding. Call me Larry the Zombie Guy. "EAT R BRAINS!"

I am way more excited about this than a normal human person should be.

Upcoming Comedy
Monday, March 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, March 31 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, April 7 - Zombie Laughpocalypse, New City, Edmonton
Monday, April 20 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton

Writing
Dan Brodribb's Geek Love, a column on relationships appears in the culture section at www.suicidegirls.com. Check out the latest column here.

Dan's Wrestling writing appears at worldwrestlinginsanity.com Check out his current article here.

Other Appearances
Saturday, March 28 - OSCW Wrestling - Hazeldean Community Hall

Sunday, March 15, 2009

New Article Up & Buddhist Jokes

My latest Suicide Girls article is up here. The subject is online dating.

It's interesting that this article is on online dating, because I recently had a really interesting online experience.

Unfortunately, I can't talk about it yet, but the article is coming...assuming I can get the wordcount down to a reasonable level.

In other news, I am working on jokes about Buddhism for my act. Partly because it's something that nobody else is doing and partly because...well, Buddhism is interesting.

Plus, I think I'm pretty good at it. Sometimes I'll be sitting there meditating, and I'll be like: "Man, I'm great at this meditating thing. I'm way better than that guy, and he's been doing it longer. I should get a prize or something. What has two thumbs and is a being of selfless compassion completely free of attachments, delusions, and the ego? This guy right here, that's who."

It's possible I may be missing the point a little.

I've included some Buddhist street jokes below that you can share with your friends.

What did the Buddhist say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
Make me one with everything.

What did the Buddhist Waitress say to the Customer when he asked for his change?

Change comes from within.

Tip your wait staff, everybody.

Meanwhile, here is the rest of my schedule.

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, February 24 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, March 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, March 31 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Tuesday, April 2 - Zombie Laughpocalypse, New City, Edmonton
Monday, April 20 - The Comic Strip - Edmonton

Writing
Dan Brodribb's Geek Love, a column on relationships appears in the culture section at www.suicidegirls.com. Check out the latest column here.

Dan's Wrestling writing appears at worldwrestlinginsanity.com Check out his current article here.

Other Appearances
Saturday, March 28 - OSCW Wrestling - Hazeldean Community Hall

Monday, March 02, 2009

I Fought The Gays and the Gays Won

I thought I’d repressed this memory, but it came back to me the other day.

It was a few years ago back in the “Rounders” days. Myself, Kathleen McGee, and Andrew Iwanyk were more-or-less just starting out in comedy and thirsting for places to perform (*).

Somehow Kathleen found out about a talent show to raise funds for HIV Edmonton at an infamous, but now-defunct gay nightclub called The Roost

I showed up by myself, feeling more than a little uncomfortable. What was the procedure for getting into these clubs? Did I have to get a black X on my hand to show I was straight like underaged kids at a punk show?

Instead, I waited for Andrew to show up and we went in together. Since we weren’t members, we had to sign in as guests. Naturally, both of us were mature and dignified about this…we signed in under other local comedians’ names.

As I stepped into the bar, I have to admit I was curious what the d├ęcor would be like. Lavender curtains? Exfoliants in the washrooms (marked “Pitchers” and “Catchers”)?

Nope. It was as dirty and rundown as a normal bar. I thought gay people were supposed to be fastidious.

The talent show was hosted by a large drag queen. Come to think of it, drag queens were a large portion of the evening’s entertainment.

But not the only kind. After I did my performance to a mostly indifferent audience (I blame the sound system), I was followed by a muscular young nineteen year old who immediately peeled down to his underwear and started gyrating.

I sat down at the comics’ table and buried my face in my hands.

“What’s going on?” Andrew--who was so slouched down in his chair he looked like he was trying to turn himself inside out and disappear-- asked me.

“That guy is taking off his clothes,” I told him.

“Figures,” said Andrew.

But that wasn’t the end of the humiliation. It turned out we had to do more than just perform. Part of the competition involved all of us getting up there again. Lined up on stage like cattle, we were each handed two Jell-O shooters and given two minutes to sell them to the club patrons.

It was junior high all over again.

I found walking up and down the bar not making eye contact hoping against hope someone would save me. In the end, I got rid of my drinks, but only cause the male stripper sold four, so he grabbed mine out of my hand without even a thank you.

In the end, we had to stand up on stage while the host made lewd comments and the crowd chose the winners by applause. Guess who wasn’t one of them.

I remember turning to Andrew as we stood up there and saying, “This is a new low for me.”

Andrew shook his head. “Not for me. It’s just the same low over and over again. Somehow that makes it even more depressing.”
That was one of the most agonizingly uncomfortable nights of my life.

Yet I’m glad the memory came back. It shows how far I’ve come as a performer (I’m now a comedy Sex Panther (**)--sixty percent of the time I get laughs all of the time) and as a shy person (I’m a lot less self-conscious these days, and better able to get into the spirit of things when encountering a new social situation).

Besides, as my brother once said, “Good stories don‘t grow on trees, so you need to appreciate the ones you get.”

I’ll drink to that. But if that drink happens to be Jell-O shooters, you’re buying.

(*) More accurately, Kathleen and I were just starting out. Andrew was a few years in, but is not known for turning down opportunities to perform.

(**) If anyone out there would like to start calling me “Sex Panther” as my new nickname, I wouldn’t object. Just FYI.

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, February 24 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton
Monday, March 30 - The Comic Strip, Edmonton

Writing
Dan Brodribb's Geek Love, a column on relationships appears in the culture section at www.suicidegirls.com. Check out the latest column here.

Dan's Wrestling writing appears at worldwrestlinginsanity.com Check out his current article here.

Other Appearances
Saturday, March 28 - OSCW Wrestling - Hazeldean Community League, Edmonton