Thursday, June 04, 2009

Cereal Monogamy

Have I mentioned how much I adore my day job co-workers? They certainly keep things interesting.

While making the arrangements with Someone Special--whose anonymity we will preserve by giving her an every-day, ordinary, generic female name, say, Bastet) to drop of the cereal at work, one of the women in my office overheard the conversation.

OFFICE WOMAN #1: Is your girlfriend coming here?

ME: She's not my girfriend.

OFFICE WOMAN #1: If she's dropping things off for you, she's your girlfriend.

I should pause to explain most of the people at this office are women. And they love stuff like this. Another male co-worker of mine is getting married and the Girls have taken it upon themself to make a countdown calendar for his impending nuptials and update it daily.

OFFICE WOMAN #1: I may have told Office Woman #2 about your girlfriend coming to visit. But just her.

OFFICE WOMAN #3: (coming up out of nowhere): Hey, when does this girl we've all been hearing about get here?

OFFICE WOMAN #1: Well, you shouldn't have told me if you didn't want people to know.

I shouldn't have been surprised. These are after all, the same women who upon hearing some of my woman troubles last year, considered the idea of turning my personal dramas into a skit and performing it at the company Christmas party.

It was an interesting feeling: three parts mortified and one part loving all the attention.

Then again, I write stories about them on my blog, so I guess we're even.

Still, I felt I needed to get a little emotional revenge on Office Girl #1

ME: Now, I'm worried she's going to stand me up.

OFFICE WOMAN #1: And if she does, the whole office will know about it! Ohh that would be so horrible. I would feel so bad for you.

OFFICE WOMAN #3: (from across the room) Hey, I'm on your Facebook right now. What's your girlfriend's name? I want to creep her pictures.

ME: She's not my girfriend.

OFFICE WOMAN #1: Hello? What part of "bringing you cereal" did you not understand?

ME: I don't really see how...

OFFICE WOMAN #1: It's an emotional commitment! When a woman brings a guy breakfast products at work, that's a sign that she's investing herself in him and he should appreciate her effort by not spending his entire Friday night playing video games with his STUPID LAME FRIENDS, when he knows it's the only time he and his girlfriend will have together for the whole weekend, because she's spending her only free Saturday this month helping HIS mother plant a vegetable garden. Hypothetically.


Bastet showed up and I went to reception to meet her....while a few doors away half the women in the office were watching on the security monitor, yelling instructions at the screen like football fans at a Super Bowl Party.

"Public display of affection! Yes!"
"Relax, you'll sscare her off!"
"No, you jackass, walk her to the elevator as she's leaving..."

At this point Bastet and I stepped into the camera's blind spot. Ten seconds later the reception phone rang as one of the women in the office phoned down for an update. Which was awkward for the receptionist since we were standing right beside her.

RECEPTIONIST: Mmm-hmm...Oh, interesting...Yes, that would be fine.

Afterwards, the ladies debriefed me--I was thoroughly chastised for not walking her to the elevator. OFFICE WOMAN #3 was most excited as she actually saw Bastet in person ("I walked PAST her on the way to get photocopies!")

I love my job.

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