Thursday, August 21, 2008

Dan Kisses A Heckler. Neither of them Turns Into a Handsome Prince

I guess this is my week for stories about women.

The story I REALLY want to tell happened this week involving the Seether concert and a lot of booze needs to be 'aged' so I can tell it without damaging any personal or professional reputations.

So you'll have to settle for the one below, plus another tale from my sordid past on my shyness blog. Neither of them make me look like a very good person, but I stopped worrying about how other people saw me a long time ago (and by a long time ago, I mean "April.")

Let's do the self-promotional stuff first:

Upcoming Living Columns in the Edmonton Journal
Friday, August 22
Friday, September 5
Friday, September 19
Friday, October 3
Current Living article is up here.

Dan's musings on shyness and relationships can be found at

Moving on...

I don't understand hecklers. Generally, the type of person who would disrupt other people's entertainment because they need attention all of the time is not the kind of person I want to hang out with. In fact, I think they're kind of pathetic.

At a recent show, I had to deal with a woman in the front row. I didn't get a good glimpse of her face because a) she was wearing a low-cut top and b) because her behaviour during the show was so obnoxious that looking at her pissed me off.

Most of her comments were the worst kind of heckles because it wasn't so much "heckling" as it was "spitting out random sentence fragments that would make no sense in a regular conversation, much less a show."

This is the only exchange I remember because it was the closest she came to something resembling a coherent idea.

WOMAN: You're quiet and shy.
ME: I wish I could say the same about you.

I settled in to a rhythm of completely ignoring her, and the show ended up going quite well. I can tell how well a show went by the amount of people who come up afterwards to talk to me. This one was a gooder.

Anyway, I ended up going to the pub next door with a few other comics and a couple women who came to the show, one of whom was a cutie in a low cut top (You can probably guess where this is heading). One thing led to another--and by one thing I mean her pressing her leg to mine when we talked and by "another" I mean her pressing warmly against me and touching her lips to my ear when she murmured into it.

At this point I decided it was time to go for what we in the business refer to as "The Pull." Unfortunately, there were two obstacles.

a) her friend
b) We're in a freaking mall--a closed mall--and neither of us are driving anywhere.

I dealt with a) by just being honest. "I want to go for a walk with your friend. Will you be okay hanging here with these guys?"

Honesty is good. I highly recommend it. I actually got an email from her the next day thanking me for including her. As far as being a good person goes, it was one of my better moments.

Followed shortly by one of my not-so-good moments.

Me and low-cut shirt woman went for a walk in the mall. All the stores were closed, the security guards were out, and there was no place even remotely private.

So I took her to the whale.

A particular feature of this particular mall is a statue of a whale (duh) in the middle of the mall. There is a bench inside the whale's mouth.

And that is where I ended up kissing the softest lips I have ever tasted. They were truly remarkable. I have never kissed lips like it before or since.

On the way back to the pub, holding hands, she told me, "I loved you onstage. You were so quiet and shy."

And there--finally--the penny dropped.


Worlds Collide.

One world is: she seems cool and she's a great kisser and I really like the way she looks at me. The other world is: She was super-obnoxious during the show, and those types never turn out to be good people.

So who was this woman? Which world did she belong to? A world of fun and awesome-kissing. Or Planet A**hole.

I found out a few days later.

But that's a story for another time.

1 comment:

Trevor said...

Dan, that's a terrific story. You certainly have a way with words.