June headLINES

Ta Daa!

Wednesday, June 1 - Ex-American Idol contestant Corey Clark is upset at an SNL skit spoofing his alleged affair with judge Paula Abdul. He doesn't think people are respecting his accomplishments. What accomplishment? Most people have 'losing a talent show' on their resume by sixth grade.

Thursday, June 2 - Women are reporting that birth control pills are lowering their sex drive. At least that's the excuse they're using when they don't want to say anything bad about their husband's new moustache.

Friday, June 3 - Meanwhile, men are reporting that Viagra is causing blindness among some users. At least that's the excuse they're using when their wife finds them in bed with the woman next door.

COMMENTARY: There were no headlines for June 4-12. I got squeezed out due to lack of space.

Saturday, June 11 - Bad news for Esks fans as Ricky Ray will be sidelined for a game with a knee injury, meaning the team is down to just 1 604 quarterbacks.

Sunday, June 12 - Russell Crowe signs an endorsement deal with a famous phone company. They're even bringing back their old slogan: "Reach out and Touch Someone."

Monday, June 13 - The EPS chief has vowed a crackdown after a racist e-mail containing "10 Ways to deal with natives" circulated through the department. Normally I'd recommend police to leave the top-10 lists to ed and concentrate on doing what they do best, but I want to be able to drink at Overtime in peace.

COMMENTARY: If you’re a police officer reading this…sorry. I recognize it’s a tough job, but you guys have been making yourselves easy targets lately. Still, I should probably stop doing the same.

Tuesday, June 14 - Since every other article in this issue is about the Edmonton Eskimos, can I write ONE NBA joke? Just one? You see, there's this thing going being decided in basketball right now called a "championship..." Sigh. Why do I even bother?

Wednesday, June 15 - Apparently U.S President George W. Bush had better
marks in college than the Democratic challenger John Kerry. That was close--the last thing the U.S. needs is a stupid president.

Thursday, June 16 - In Detroit, during the NBA finals a fan throws a half-full cup of beer at San Antonio Spurs' guard, Tony Parker who hails from France. Parker immediately surrenders.

Friday, June 17 - My native friend's message to the police re: the
infamous top 10 list: "E-mail jokes to each other all you want, just stop SHOOTING me already."

Saturday, June 18 - Flooding is the latest natural disaster to hit Alberta, leaving most of Calgary submerged. The Calgary Stampede will go ahead as planned, although this is the first year participants and horses in the chuckwagon races have had to be equipped with snorkels.

Sunday, June 19 - NBA officials deny that their referees are either incompetent or out-and-out biased in favor of the home team. To ensure that game five in Detroit is called squarely down the middle, they've even appointed a special guest referee--Kid Rock.

Monday, June 20 - How come Edmonton Pride week is ten days long? I don't mind our mayor signing off on gay pride, but a ten-day week? This metric system is getting way out of hand.

Tuesday, June 21 - I don't want to say NBA referees are bad, but the guy working game 6 of the finals is the only ref ever kicked off of Wrestlemania for incompetence. NBA Commisioner David Stern counters allegations of referee corruption, pointing out, "If the playoffs were fixed, do you think we'd be watching a Spurs-Pistons finals?"

Wednesday, June 22 - Between the forest fires, floods, and droughts that have plagued this province over the past few years, I'm beginning to think Mother Nature is trying to tell us something. If a volcano erupts and buries Spruce Grove under a sea of molten lava, I'm moving.

Thursday, June 23 - According to a new study, exposure to sunlight helps reduce the risk of prostate cancer. But how do you tan where the sun don't shine?

Friday, June 24 - I think the show Celebrity Boxing would be a lot better if they only had one celebrity...against one real boxer. I'd like to see Sergio 'The Latin Snake' Mora take on Bob Saget. That would be a funny home video.

COMMENTARY: This is a variation of a throwaway line I came up with in Fairview. KERRY UNGER told me it would make a good joke. I tried this one live, and he was right…but that’s why he’s Kerry Unger.

This week, in honour of Canada Day, we take a look back at some great headLINES moments from Canadian history.

Saturday, June 25 - (1001 AD) Vikings arrive on the coast of Nefoundland. They are unable to find work, and immediately move to Fort McMurray.

Sunday, June 26 - (1836) Aspiring lawyer and politician Sir John A. MacDonald is admitted to the bar of Upper Canada. It takes the bartender, two waitresses, and six bouncers to get him out again.

Monday, June 27 - (September 9, 1972) Maybe the reason the Canadian hockey team has played so poorly at home against the USSR is the dollar bill we buried under the ice is getting all soggy. Next time, maybe we should try a coin or something.

Tuesday, June 28 - (July 14, 1985) Boy, that Live Aid show was one for the ages. I wonder if they'll ever do something like that again only with Canadian acts.

Wednesday, June 29 - (December 13, 1985) Platinum Blonde is the raddest band ever. In thirty years, we'll still be talking about 'Alien Shores.' It's 'The White Album' of our generation.

Thursday, June 30 - (January 31, 2003) Say what you will about the EPS, they're way tougher than the Collier County Deputies that arrested Alex Lifeson on New Year's. Six officers with tasers and truncheons to take down the lead guitarist for Rush? That's not a story I'd be telling back at the station.