Monday, April 04, 2005

march headLINES

Upcoming Shows:
Sunday, April 17 at the Comic Strip
Wednesday, April 20 at Yuk Yuks
Tuesday, April 26 at Yuk Yuks

-Well, only two more columns before my LIVING section six-parter with the Journal is finished. If you liked them, let the good folks at the Journal know--It's been an awesome experience, and I'd love to do more writing for them. The next column is on dating, and I must confess: having the whole city find out about my romance skills or lack thereof makes me nervous.

-I ran into Bartosz Boz of 990 Productions a couple days ago. "Kill N' Kleen" is moving into post-production, and they're looking at screening it at the Paramount. I hope everything goes through. They're a great bunch of guys (and gals--horror is an equal-opportunity business)

-I got a chance to see MITCH FATEL at The Comic Strip on Sunday. It was a humbling experience--the guy is phenomenal. Watching him, half of me wanted to quit right then and there, and the other half wanted to go home and write and rehearse some more material for my upcoming dates. To let you know how into the show I was: there was a rumor that some of the guys from Motley Crue, who were in town for a concert, were supposed to stop by. I used to be a huge Crue fan, so I would have loved to meet them, but I got so absorbed by the show, I didn't even look around for them. I can't say enough about Mitch's Mad Comedy Skillz, so I won't even bother--check out his website, listen to his Muffin joke, and see if he's your cup of tea.

-PAUL MYREHAUG hosted his first workshop at Yuk Yuks on Tuesday. It was different from the typical workshop in that Paul tackled a subject that few pros discuss but all aspiring comics want to learn about--getting girls on the road. I have to admit, Paul's tips sure beat my current strategy of standing next to LARS CALLIEOU after the show, and hoping the ladies swarming him have friends.

Anyway, without further ado, here are:

March headLINES

Tuesday, March 1 - The final 'NYPD Blue' episode airs, and not a moment too soon for television critics who are sick of having to consult the ABC website every time they have to spell 'Sipowicz.'

Wednesday, March 2 - PM Paul Martin is also doing his part for senate reform, by refusing to appoint new senators. Senate reform is like the new Guns N Roses album: They say it's in the works, but I'll believe it when I see it.

Thursday, March 3 - Our provincial education system is under fire again. “Over half the students we surveyed misidentified the capital of Newfoundland as Charlottetown,” one critic alleged. “The correct answer is, of course, Ft. McMurray.”

Friday, March 4 - Meanwhile, the missile defense debate continues. Whatever--the U.S. missile shield doesn't even work. Right now, we'd be safer taking cover behind Toby Keith's belt buckle.

COMMENTARY: Although this was the original joke, it was not the one that ended up running in the paper. The joke we used was written by Warren Murray, an Australian ex-patriate, who wanted something to go along with the picture he used of a hockey player shooting down a missile with a hockey puck. Some more of Warren’s humor can be found at

Saturday, March 5 - ed writer Dan Brodribb misses his chance to cover the regional finals of the CanSpell Spelling Competition, after misspelling the word missile four times in a single paragraph. Let that be a lesson to you university students--Less class, more Wheel of Fortune.
Sunday, March 6 - Kirstie Alley debuts a new TV series, Fat Actress. It will be sandwiched (ha-ha) between the new Shannon Tweed series, Bad Actress, and the new reality show, Whiny Greedy Stupid People Looking for Fame.

Monday, March 7 - Laser tattoo removal businesses are booming, principals are in bidding wars for substitute teachers, and the entire Harry Ainlay science faculty is trying to find their way home from Singapore. Must be the Monday after Teacher’s Convention.

COMMENTARY: My mom’s a teacher. I’m not sure she was thrilled about that one.

Tuesday, March 8 - With only one month until the wedding between Prince Charles and Lady Camilla, Queen Elizabeth is still refusing to attend the ceremony. Be careful Chuck. It doesn’t matter if you live in the Taj Mahal or the trailer park, the number one rule doesn’t change: Don’t mess with Mom.

Wednesday, March 9 - Shania Twain is releasing a disc of smells for Scentstories, an air-freshening machine that ‘plays’ different scents instead of music. Motley Crue will also be releasing a disc featuring the aroma of cigarettes, Jack Daniels, and “over two decades of decadence”--the same smell as the inside of the provincial government’s private jet.

Thursday, March 10 - Speaking of the Crue, I can’t believe the Motley Crue concert falls on the same weekend as Wrestlemania. This could be the guy weekend of the year.

Friday, March 11 - ed writer Dan Brodribb gets a visit from a group of bat-wielding phys ed teachers. He broke the first rule of teacher’s convention: “Don’t talk about teacher’s convention.”

COMMENTARY: Sean Lecomber and Lars Callieou had been trying with limited success to get a "Fight Club" joke to work . This is me trying to join the fun.

Saturday, March 12 - Hip hop artist The Game is back in 50-Cent's posse after a squabble that resulted in shots fired outside a radio station. The reason for the spat: The Game didn't support 'Fiddy' after other rappers were mean to him. This is why we don't allow grade six girls access to firearms.

COMMENTARY: I had a follow-up to this joke that talked about 50-Cent’s posse having slumber parties where they made fun of the other rappers, braided each other’s cornrows, and put glitter on one another’s Glocks. Michael Jackson was invited, but he only likes sleepovers with little boys. It was wordy at the time, but I really wished I could have made it work. After all, the world is really crying out for more Michael Jackson jokes.

Sunday, March 13 - Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki has an advice column on for those questions that can only be answered a German basketball star, questions what? The German word for H-O-R-S-E? How to invade France without getting into foul trouble? I'm baffled.

Monday, March 14 - After a tough court battle, Jay Leno is allowed to tell Michael Jackson jokes again. This just shows how important Michael Jackson jokes are to comedians. The Michael Jackson one-liner is to a comedian what the little black dress is to women's fashion. Except for the black part.

COMMENTARY: Happiness is a new Michael Jackson joke. Forget what I wrote before.

Tuesday, March 15 - The proposed smoking ban passes a second reading in the Alberta legislature. The proposed bill would outlaw smoking province-wide in all enclosed spaces...except for the provincial government's private jets.

COMMENTARY: A friend of mine had her first child this day, and I wanted to run a joke that made fun of that ‘new parent smell.’ I didn’t get it in on time though, and so this joke ran in it’s place. I’m not happy with it; if I had a do-over, I’d have run with the 50-Cent follow-up I talked about.

Wednesday, March 16 - A fly-ku
Flights for a dollar?
My, what a bargain.Alas
Jetsgo is jets-gone

COMMENTARY: The great thing about this kind of feature is you have room to try different things. Like many of these jokes, it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to anybody who doesn’t live in Edmonton (or at least Canada)

Thursday, March 17 - In honor of St. Patrick's Day I wanted to include a joke by local comedian and full-time Irish person Steve McCarthy, but he isn't talking to me after I tried to pick up his sister by pretending to be sportswriter Dan Barnes with an extra Brier ticket. Dear Dirk Nowitzki, what should I do?

Friday, March 18 - Spike TV announces it will be dropping WWE wrestling from its schedule as part of its plan to move away from reality shows and towards scripted programming. Television executives must be the only people in the world who still use 'pro wrestling' and 'reality' in the same sentence.

Saturday, March 19 - As a sign of unity, federal conservatives Peter MacKay, Scott Reid, and Stephen Harper karaoke 'We Are A Family' while dressed as pirates. "I think I'm at the wrong convention,' one right-winger remarked.

Sunday, March 20 - ed writer Dan Brodribb attends the Toy and Comic Fair with his brother-in-law and age-regresses to thirteen years old. Of course, his allowance went a lot further back then. Two hundred and fifty dollars for a Skeletor figure--oy vey!

Monday, March 21 - My friend's daughter is raising funds for her school. It's a win-win situation: she learns about free enterprise and I learn how many chocolate almonds I can eat in a single sitting.

Tuesday, March 22 - The results of the great chocolate almond experiment: I finished just under a kilogram's worth in slightly more than seven hours. Twenty-one dollars well spent, although by the Batista/Kane match on WWE Raw, I was feeling a little queasy.

COMMENTARY: But not queasy enough to stop eating them. I just finished a box while writing this commentary. After the money I’ve dropped on those almonds, that school should name a gymnasium after me.

Wednesday, March 23 - UN courts officially rule figure skating 'not a sport.' The proof: EA sports has not released a figure skating game for Playstation since 1999.

Thursday, March 24 - Worried the debate over the smoking bill will divide the Provincial conservatives, one backbencher suggested, "Let's dress-up and sing 'We Are A Family.' And after, we could have a parade." Party plans are scrapped after the Premier's office invokes the notwithstanding clause.

Friday, March 25 - Another clash between city police and the media leaves Journal writer Todd Babiak recovering from taser injuries after writing a 'machete-like article.' I guess the EPS really like 'Corner Gas.'

COMMENTARY: The ‘machete-like article in question was Babiak’s hatchet job on the Canadian comedy, ‘Corner Gas’ which resulted in some angry readers. Still, jokes like this make me feel like I’m doing the writer-ly equivalent of working the back of the room.

Saturday, March 26 - No pre-nup for Chuck as Prince Charles declares his marriage to Camilla will be based on 'mutual trust.' Prince Charles talking about marital fidelity is funny. Even Bill Clinton laughed at that one.

Sunday, March 27 - J.P. Fournier performs at The Comic Strip in West Edmonton Mall. He's unique because he's the only local comedian whose name I misspelled in a previous article. That's right, folks--I got "Krepakavitch" right and screwed up "J.P." Point and laugh; I deserve it.

Monday, March 28 - Two Edmonton women are appearing on the latest installment of The Bachelor. We're exporting our beautiful, single women now? Funny how the U.S. border stayed open for them.

COMMENTARY: I’m working on an expanded version of this joke for my live performances. I’m going to try it out for the first time April 17 at The Comic Strip. If you like this joke, come down and show it some support.

Tuesday, March 29 - Did you know..? One of the helicopter pilots in the 1998 movie Godzilla was played by the same actor who was Joey on DeGrassi. Why don't they teach this stuff in school?

Wednesday, March 30 - On a related subject, how much harder would it be to play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, if he'd never appeared in "A Few Good Men." EVERYBODY's in that movie.

Thursday, March 31 - Thanks to the new PlayStation Portable, gamers can finally leave the house again. But why would they want to?

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