Friday, March 11, 2005

February headLINES

Tue, 1 – The Karate Kid Collection is released on DVD. It’s times like this I miss our old mayor. If Bill Smith were in office he’d be wearing a faux-Japanese headband and declaring today Ralph Macchio Day before you could say “illegally parked SUV.”

Wednesday, February 2 - In the wake of the controversy following the nipple-gate incident and the Terell Owens/Desperate Housewives skit, the NFL vows to get away from sex and put the focus “back on violence where it belongs.” This year’s Super Bowl halftime show will feature death metal bands Cannibal Corpse, Dimmu Borgir, and GWAR and will end with the on-air beheading of Janet Jackson.

Thursday, February 3 - World Wrestling Entertainment now offers WWE 24-7, a digital cable channel featuring nothing but wrestling 24 hours a day. I may never leave the house again.

Friday, February 4 - Women’s groups are outraged when the NFL reveals the Super Bowl’s second half will be played using Janet Jackson’s head as the ball. “Janet Jackson is saying it‘s okay to objectify yourself to end up in the arms of the captain of the football team,” one spokeswoman complained. “Is this a message we want to send to young girls?”

Sat, Feb 5 - ed writer Dan Brodribb prepares a ‘sting’ operation against the Edmonton police by leaving an anonymous tip that he plans to drive drunk. His plan is foiled when they run his name through the computer and learn he doesn’t have a car.

Sun, Feb 6 - No news today, it’s the SUPER BOWL, BABY!! Instead enjoy this Headlines classic moment from ancient Rome: “Anthony and Cleopatra have broken up, the gladiators and coliseum owners are no closer to a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, and Greek theatre has been replaced with “lions vs. Christians” reality entertainment. Anyone else feel we’re on a downhill slide?”

Mon, Feb 7 - Stopping into the office, I discover while a picture of a naked male backside in ed produced a firestorm of controversy, my two jokes about severing Janet Jackson’s head passed with nary a whisper. Then again, she wouldn’t be the first Jackson to survive a head transplant.
COMMENTARY: Or maybe no one’s reading.

Tuesday, Feb 8 - My Dad weighs in on the war of words between the police and the media. “I’m sick of it; both sides are scumbags. The cops are corrupt, and reporters will invade their own family’s privacy to fill space.” I wonder if he was talking about me.

COMMENTARY: I had to double check with my dad to get permission to attribute this quote to him. I guess he thought I was kidding, because he was pretty surprised when the quote showed up in the paper.

Wed, Feb 9 - After watching four hours of reality television on the same channel, I have to ask: Remember when MuchMusic used to play music?

Thu, Feb 10 - North Korea denounces long hair on men as being against the ‘socialist style.’ 9000 aging, bald-in-front-ponytail-in-back liberal arts university professors beg to differ. “It’s called the Marxi-mullet. It’s the People’s Haircut.”

COMMENTARY: I don’t know if a joke can be considered ‘cute,’ but if so, I think this one fits the bill.

Fri, Feb 11 - MuchMusic plays an actual music video. Watching a lingerie-clad Britney Spears slither through “My Prerogative,” my father turns to me and says: “When she was a little girl and her father was paying through the nose for dance lessons, do you think this what he had in mind?”

Saturday, February 12 - World-famous magician Jean Chretien is back. First he made $250 million disappear; now he’s pulling golf balls from behind Justice John Gomery’s ear. This sponsorship scandal is like performance art--it never ends, and I still don’t get what’s going on.

Sunday, February 13 - And the Grammy for Best Female Vocalist goes to…that blonde gal who sings weekends at The Melting Pot. You read it here first.

COMMENTARY: For the record, this woman is named CHRISTINA SCHMOLKE, and she is truly fantastic. A great songwriter with a great voice. Her song “Maybe” brings a tear to my eye each time I hear it, though I’ll never admit that to anyone.

Monday, February 14 - Valentine’s Day brings the usual round of calls from busybody relatives, asking: “Why aren’t you married, Dan?” There was a time I could get around this by pretending to be gay. Thanks for nothing, same-sex couples.

COMMENTARY: This is the only joke that I’ve used both in the paper and in my live comedy act. How’s that for a little bit of Dan Brodribb trivia?

Tuesday, February 15 - The search for a new police chief continues. Candidates include actor David Caruso, the blonde who sings at the Melting Pot, and retiring Indiana Pacers guard Reggie Miller. So far, Miller is the front-runner because “he never lost his man in overtime.”

Wednesday, February 16 - Ten days until the Oscars. Wouldn’t it be great if the Academy Awards were like wrestling? Laura Linney could club Natalie Portman over the head with a chair and walk out with Best Supporting Actress to a chorus of boos. Plus, the speeches might be shorter.

COMMENTARY: More women and violence, this time with some girl on girl action. I must be more bitter about Valentine’s Day than I thought.

Thursday, February 17 - A pretty girl mistakes ed writer Dan Brodribb--who can’t even get tickets to Motley Crue--for sportswriter Dan Barnes--who got to cover the Super Bowl in Florida. Can Brodribb be blamed for not rushing to correct her?

COMMENTARY: It turns out that Dan Barnes is my editor’s fiance. Oops.

Friday, February 18 - Justice John Gomery makes his wrestling debut under the alias “Justice” John Gomery. Also, Dan Barnes checks his e-mail. He looks confused.

Saturday, February 19 - The video game industry reports profits of over $600 million dollars in Canada, thanks to games geared towards adult males like 'Grand Theft Auto' and 'Halo 2.' Divorce lawyers aren't doing too badly, either.

Sunday, February 20 - Watching Alias, I have to believe Jennifer Garner is the worst spy ever. Explain how those outfits will help her remain unnoticed.

Monday, February 21 - This month in Edge, a men's magazine: "A Guide to Hassle-Free Relationships." If 'hassle-free' is really what you're most looking for in a relationship, buy a goldfish.

Tuesday, February 22 - The Backstreet Boys are back with a new single scheduled for release in March. Say what you will, they outlasted Limp Bizkit.

COMMENTARY: Ah, Fred Durst, we hardly knew ‘ye. Fame is fleeting, my friends. Fame is fleeting.

Wednesday, February 23 - It's been a few days since the NHL season was officially cancelled, and I'm overwhelmed by a strange new emotion. What stage of grief is 'indifference?'

Thursday, February 24 - The Catholic Church is facing a shortage of exorcists and no one who saw the movie The Exorcist is surprised by the news. When you're asking people to face the Forces of Primal Evil, you need to offer more than partial dental benefits and a group RRSP.

Friday, February 25 - Officials enter a West end apartment and are shocked to discover the body of a four month old goldfish. When asked why he didn't feed the animal, the fish's roommate, a 25-year old male, looked up from his game of Halo 2 just long enough to say: "Hey, man. I didn't need the hassle."

Saturday, February 26 - PM Paul Martin announces he will wait until incoming missiles are actually in Canadian airspace before 'consulting' with the U.S. on missile defense. "I won't be rushed into making a choice without the facts," The PM insists. "We must know for certain that death in nuclear fire would be bad for Canadians." This is not a man who likes to make decisions.

Sunday, February 27 - Another Academy Awards and once again, ed writer Dan Brodribb walks away with nothing despite his compelling, layered performances as ‘Nameless Thug‘ in Idiom Films‘ ‘Reroute’ and ’Janitor Zombie’ in 990 Productions 'Kill N' Kleen.’ Maybe next year.

COMMENTARY: And both movies were a blast to work on. I got a good article out of the 'Reroute' experience (if you want to pick up a copy on DVD, check out I'll also be touching on 'Kill N' Kleen' in one of my upcoming EDMONTON JOURNAL articles.

Monday, February 28 - On the subject of Hollywood, an ethnic actor friend of mine moved there and said it’s impossible to find work unless you’re white. He tried out for a Coke commercial and for the TV-series Lost, but both times the part went to a CGI polar bear.

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