On Shmeshression (The D Word)

I am experiencing mono no aware, which is a beautiful, poetic way of saying existential angst which is a more intellectual way of saying pouting.

This has been going on intermittently for a while though I'm not sure when it started.

You'll noticed I didn't use the D word up there. Part of it is because I don't think I really suffer from shmeshmression in the clinical sense, but mostly because I don't feel I've earned the right to be shmeshressed.

My life is fine. The worst I can say is that there was a time when I was writing regular humor columns, appearing on television, touring as a comedian, and had several (though not at the same time) Super Awesome Girlfriends and now I don't have those things anymore. I feel as though I'm not quite as cool and interesting as I once was.

Which makes me mad. There are plenty of people who haven't had the opportunities I've had. I should be feeling grateful for what I've experienced, not pissed off because it has gone away.

And that, to me, is the frustrating thing about angst. It isn't the angst itself. I can tell myself I feel this way because of the comedy-writing-television-girlfriend thing, but the truth is, I was just as prone to this stuff then as I am now.

The truth is, I have a tendency to feel sad, lonely, and vaguely incomplete, regardless of my life circumstances

The loneliness and sadness and Eternal Brooding of the Spotless Mind isn't the problem. The problem is that I feel angry and guilty about it. What have I done to deserve to feel schmeshressed about? Heck, even writing this post makes me feel like an attention-seeking drama queen. Talking about these feelings feels a bit like talking about masturbation--sure, lots of people do it, but not in PUBLIC, and we certainly don't talk about it.

At which point, the angst ridden part of me digs in. F**k you, it tells me. I can be as shmeshressed as I want to. It's my constitutional god-damned right.

Okay, but keep your voice down. You're making a scene. And please don't use that word.

What word? Shmeshression? Is there something wrong with the word shmeshression. Hey everybody, Dan has a problem with shmeshressed people.

We don't have shmeshression, we read the symptoms on the internet and we're fine. Besides, It will go away if we ignore it.  You're imaking us look like fools.

(dancing in circles and singing) Shmeshression. Shmeshression. Dan has SHMESHRESSION.

Actually, now that I think about it, I feel better. Must have been the singing.

You're welcome.

There are times I wonder about myself. I really do.

We'll continue this discussion another time.

 Dan's writing on Dating and relationships can be found at thegatewayboyfriend.blogspot.com

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