Friday, August 12, 2005

July headLINES (somehow these never got posted)

Upcoming Events
Thursday, August 25 - Yuk Yuks
Friday, September 2 - Yuk Yuks
Saturday, September 3 - Yuk Yuks

-Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the Edmonton Journal's ed magazine.

Friday, July 1 - Now thanks to new provincial labor laws, when people say a 12 year old could do your isn't just a figure of speech anymore.

Saturday, July 2 - What a wonderful Canada Day celebration. Using red and white colored tear gas to disperse the rioters on Whyte Avenue was an especially nice touch.

Sunday, July 3 - Oh wait, those weren't rioters, they were people looking for a place to smoke. No wonder the tear gas didn't bother them.

Monday, July 4 - With the NBA draft over, I can't do anymore basketball jokes. In order to fill our weekly sports requirement, it's on to professional wrestling: Ric Flair is so old, when he started doing the figure-four leglock, it was only a figure-one.

Tuesday, July 5 - The Edmonton Public School Board announced the impending closings of three more schools. Apparently, thanks to new government regulations, all our twelve-year olds are at work.

Wednesday, July 6 - Critics are sick of Bono and his meetings with world leaders, claiming, "no one wants to hear what a singer has to say." The 916 viewers of reality shows from "The Osbournes" to "Nick & Jessica" say otherwise.

Thursday, July 7 - Tom Cruise continues to deride the psychiatric profession, which is ironic, because if there's anyone who needs a good shrink, it's him. Even Michael Jackson described Cruise's recent behaviour as "a little over the top."

Friday, July 8 - Summer's here, and everywhere you look, kids are out playing in parks, running through sprinklers, and biking. Why can't they just get jobs?

Saturday, July 9 - A pair of immigrants are suing the Canadian government for false advertising because they couldn't find the jobs they wanted when they moved here. Does that mean I can sue the makers of Irish Spring? I bought their soap based on an ad with an Irish guy surrounded by beautiful women. I've been using the soap for months and I still don't have an accent.

Sunday, July 10 - Calgary Health Region reports that a computer error caused the medical records of 2000 people to be filed under the wrong names. They discovered the error when Calgary radio personality Red Dawg tested positive for pregnancy.

Monday, July 11 - After blasting the Comet Tempel 1 with the Deep Impact probe, NASA. has decided to go ahead and fire probes at more comets. When asked what scientific purpose the blasting serves, NASA spokemen replied: "None, it's just a lot of fun. It's just like shooting Stop signs on a more cosmic scale."

Tuesday, July 12 - The price of oil is so high right now, The U.S. needs find another country to invade, preferably within walking distance to save on gas. It was a nervouse couple of minutes for Canada, but the Americans don't like the cold so they're going after Texas.

Wednesday, July 13 - No word on whether Toronto Argonauts Robert Baker and Noel Prefontaine have fended any fences after their sideline scuffle a couple weeks ago. This is why the CFL is looked at as a second-rate league. In other leagues, athletes know who to take that aggression out on--the fans.

Thursday, July 14 - Georges Laraques is giving out relationship advice on the Bounce. His first callers were 'Rob and Noel from Toronto.'

Friday, July 15 - The war in Texas is not going well for the U.S. Apparently, Texans have weapons of mass destruction. The 131st Airborne was held off by a pair of Houston eleven year olds with My First Magnum starter kits.

Saturday, July 16 - The said to ed mailbag overflows with complaints about the scantily clad Grand Prix girls on the cover of a recent issue. It wasn't our fault. The original plans were for a cover featuring the 'Men of the Gravel Trucker's Union,' but at the time they were still on strike.

Sunday, July 17 - The Black Eyed Peas' Fergie shows off her dance skills at a concert at Rexall Place. She looks like a bee showing the rest of the hive where the honey is. In other entertainment news, Eminem is rumored to be leaving rap to pursue other interests--as long those interest don't involve Katie Holmes or Scientology, that's fine with me.

Monday, July 18 - Senator Collin Kenny says Canadians are unprepared for a terrorist attack. I think he underestimates our mental toughness. We didn't even blink when the NHL held hockey hostage for a year.

Tuesday, July 19 - According to rumor, Brad Pitt could be in Fort Edmonton RIGHT NOW working on a movie, but everything is being kept top secret. Don't worry though--I'll have all the answers once I confirm a couple details with Karl Rove.

Wednesday, July 20 - Amazing how our culture has changed. Fifty years ago when an unmarried woman got pregnant, she had to leave town to have the baby. The other day I saw a girl with SLUT written in rhinestones across the front of her maternity dress.

Thursday, July 21 - The Catholic Church claims reading the Harry Potter books makes it hard for children to distinguish between good and evil. I guess they should know--a few of their priests face the same challenge.

Friday, July 22 -
Okay, maybe I have a LITTLE Sudoku problem.

Saturday, July 23 - Telus says despite recent labour troubles, they'll maintain the same level of service that we've come to expect from the telecommunications company. Do I even need to add a joke here or does that sentence pretty much speak for itself? That's what I thought.

Sunday, July 24 - Some guy called Canadian males apathetic. Whatever.

Commentary: Sorry, Lars. You know why.

Monday, July 25 - My message to Telus. "Your labour problems are important to me...Please stay on the line an wait for the next available operator. Your labour problems are important to me...Please stay on the line or wait for the next available..."

Tuesday, July 26 - A couple of B.C. men dug a tunnel beneath the U.S. border so they could smuggle pot into the U.S. "Hey, there was no hockey," one of them said. "We had to fill the time somehow."

Wednesday, July 27 - Bands coming through town over the next few months include: System of a Down, Queensryche, Motley Crue (again!), Judas Priest, Megadeth, Anthrax, KMFDM, and Nine Inch Nails. It's a great time for metal fans...and a terrible time for metal fans' credit cards

Thursday, July 28 - With all my metalhead buddies off to watch the Sounds of the Underground show at Rexall and my goth posse attending the Pocket Universe show at New City, it's a great night to dust off the old Kylie Minogue albums.

Friday, July 29 - I'm still upset that guy called me apathetic. There are lots of issues I care deeply about--such as the Klassic Kung Fu Kollection on DVD and my Big Brother 6 Fantasy Team.

Saturday, July 30 - The Danish are coming! The Danish are coming! I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm willing to fight with every drop of blood in my body to defend Hans Island's exalted shores...too bad I have no idea where it is.

Sunday, July 31 - We'll fight them on the beaches. We'll fight them on the landing grounds. We'll fight them on the mainland, in the bars, and by the foosball tables. We'll defend our island. If the Danish invade, they'll face the toddler of all battles.

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