May headLINES and Comedy Idol report

UPCOMING DATES:
Comedy:
Thursday, June 8 - Fairview, Alberta w/KERRY UNGER
Saturday, June 18 - Gigglefest 2005 - Waugh, Alberta
Sunday, June, 19 - The Comic Strip (guest spot)
Wednesday, June 22 Comedy Idol Finals at Yuk Yuks-
Tuesday, July 12 - Lethbridge, Alberta
Thursday, July 14 - Fairview, Alberta

Writing:
-Columns appearing through June in the Sunday Living section of the Edmonton Journal.
-Dan Brodribb's headLINES appears every Saturday in the Journal's ed magazine (except this Saturday for space reasons)
-My short stroy "Glass Houses" appears in the zombie anthology Cold Flesh. For information on getting a copy, check out www.hellboundbooks.com


-MARK SALAMANDICK and I advanced to the Comedy Idol finals, which will be held on June 22 at Yuk Yuks. I decided to try Angie Ismond's way of preparing for a show--working myself into a frenzy of near-hysterical terror and hoping it comes off on stage as 'intensity.' The good news is I won; the bad new is my set was fundamentally sloppy and I had worked myself into such a fever pitch it took me until five o'clock the next afternoon to actually start relaxing again. I suspect any short-term benefits of the Ismond Method are outweighed by the long-term side-effects, at least for me.

-In a weird way, the highlight of the night was CECIL GARFIN's set. Say what you will about Cecil's future prospects in comedy (which are--to put it mildly--rather dim), I learned something from him. He might be the most technically horrific comedian in human history, but he remembered to have a good time on stage and he got off when the light started flashing, so judges choice aside, he still finished way ahead of me in my book.

-At the last minute I got asked to go to Fairview with Kerry Unger. I've spoken about him in past posts. He seems to be a great guy and I love the cut of his joke-writing jib, so I'm looking forward to picking his brain.

-I've begun work on the script for the zombie film. I've been bouncing ideas off the director and producer, and am starting to massage the story into shape. Ahh, preproduction. Funny that all the glitz and glamor in the movies starts with one guy sitting in his sweatpants swearing at a blank Word document.

(Added June 10) Comedian TODD KREPAKEVICH made a nice mention of me on his website (www.toddk.ca) when he said "that Dan boy, he just gets better and better all the time." I'm not sure if he was referring to my comedy or the my high scores on the games section of his web page. Check out the Memory Game and see some funny faces--score a Yahtzee and get a cool surprise.

on to headLINES:

Sunday, May 1 - One of my friends was appalled to discover that his new almost-girfriend was wearing a special bra that mimics implants. "I thought she had fake breasts, but she was only pretending," he complained. "If she can't afford the surgery, there's no way she can pay off my MasterCard. Next time, I'm asking to see the scars first."

COMMENTARY: This was inspired by an article written by the great Misty Harris.

Monday, May 2 - Like hockey? Enjoy drowning? Check out www.edmontonunderwaterhockey.com. What's next: Curling in space? Why not? Ferbey's already beaten everyone on THIS planet.

Tuesday, May 3 - Hard to believe this is Reggie Miller's final NBA play-offs. Retiring or not, if the fate of the world ever hinges on a last second three-point jump shot, I know who I'd call.

Wednesday, May 4 - One of my friends is taking karate classes and isn't sure she can handle it. This is the same girl who joined a hockey league and started a fight in her first game. Too bad it was with a member of her own team. She said, "The bitch was wearing the same outfit as me."

COMMENTARY: Believe it or not, this joke took me months to write, and I’m still not completely satisfied with it. Also, for someone who writes topical material, putting out a hockey joke in spring might not be much of a testament to my skills.

Thursday, May 5 - Looks like we may have an election this spring or summer. Now all we need is someone worth voting for.

COMMMENTARY: Bleh. This joke is as old as democracy. It was a ‘filler’ line I forgot to replace. I take a lot of pride in writing my own material, so seeing this in print was tough to take.

Friday, May 6- Paris Hilton is in a movie called 'House of Wax' about a bunch of people trapped in a museum with some wax statues. "They're so life-like," coos one of the characters about the statues. Too bad we couldn't say the same for Paris' acting.

Saturday, May 7 - After learning that I'd never seen the movie Dirty Dancing, a woman I know forced me to watch it. I did NOT have the time of my life.

Sunday, May 8 - Steve Nash becomes the first Canadian to win the NBA's Most Valuable Player award. As one of only fourteen basketball fans in Canada, I hate to be an I-told-you-so but...who am I kidding? I never saw this coming.

Monday, May 9 - During game 1 of the Pistons-Pacers NBA series, Ron Artest--who was suspended for his role in a brawl between the two teams back in November runs out of the stands and attacks the Pistons, using a chair to knock out Tayshaun Prince and then choke-slamming Rip Hamilton through a table. Now that's basketball.

Tuesday, May 10 - Lots of exciting stuff happening in a couple of weeks. Local zombie movie "Kill & Kleen" opens, Comedy Idol gets underway...and Boston Rob and Amber are getting married on TV. Looks like I'm going to have to take time off work.

Wednesday, May11 - Members of the Texas House of Representatives wave pom-poms to celebrate the passing of the 'Sexy Cheerleader Bill.' No word on how they're going to celebrate the passing of the 'Naughty Schoolgirl Bill' later this week, but I don't like the look of those plaid skirts.

Thursday, May 12 - My friend's on vacation in France, but the language barrier is causing problems for her. Someone asked how she was doing, and she couldn't remember the French word for 'comme-ci comme-ca.'

Friday, May 13 - They say Friday the 13th is bad luck, but so far it's been great. I spent all day getting ready for a date with a very special lady this weekend. I'm very excited. Last year, I completely forgot about Mother's Day.

Saturday, May 14 - Local band Mammoth plays their last show. They didn't get the same send-off as Everybody Loves Raymond, but their fans will miss them all the same.

Sunday, May 15 - On Survivor, firefighter Tom escapes the Ghosts of the Ulong with a million dollars. His co-workers are happy to have him back, except for the fact that every time he's on shift, the temperature drops and the firehouse walls start bleeding.

Monday, May 16 - World Hockey officials discover the reason the Czech Republic won the gold-medal game is because they had buried a 50 Koruna bill beneath centre ice. Even the hockey gods are all about the money now.

COMMENTARY: The Czech Republic currency is called the Koruna after the Czech word for Crown. I like to educate as well as entertain.

Tuesday, May 17 - CSIS warns parents that al-Qaeda is scouring the internet recruiting disaffected Canadian teens. It's a short step from downloading MP3s and shoplifing AFI hoodies to fighting a holy war. Think of all the weapons they could hide in those baggy pants.

Wednesday, May 18 - The Jennifer Wilbanks story continues to capture the public imagination. She was the 'runaway bride' who led investigators on an amazing race. Boston Rob and Amber are furious, claiming "That's our gimmick!" They're planning on suing Wilbanks for stealing four of their fifteen minutes of fame.

Thursday, May 19 - Conservatives are angry they had to come in today to vote on the government's future. "It should have been decided last week," one Grit said. "Now we have to rush to be ready for the Star Wars premiere. Stormtrooper helmets don't paint themselves, you know."

Friday, May 20 - Hollywood released a movie called Alien vs. Predator a while back under the tagline: "No matter who wins...we lose." Who knew they were talking about the Canadian Federal Legislature?

Saturday, May 21 - Saddam Hussein: Lousy leader...worse underwear model. If that's Victoria's secret, I wish she'd kept it.

Sunday, May 22 - This has been one of the most exciting NBA playoffs ever, and it's only getting better. The NBA plans to take advantage of their momentum this summer with a fast-paced and electrifying LOCKOUT! The NBA has many charms, but learning from other sports' mistakes isn't one of them.

COMMENTARY: I don’t know why, but these playoffs have been electrifying. Reggie Miller’s retirement, the Bulls comeback, the Nash/Shaq MVP controversy, the four-way dance between the Heat, Pistons, Spurs, and Suns…any one of which could conceivably take the gold…it’s been fantastic.

Monday, May 23 - A black bear is filing suit against the city after being taken down on the way to his job doing voice work for radio station 1000.3. EPS deny the charges, claiming they tasered the bear because he was resisting arrest and not because he was black.

Tuesday, May 24 - The Royal visit was nearly a disaster as the Queen was completely unprepared for her meeting with Ralph Klein. She had to borrow Rod Love's fishing rod.

Wednesday, May 25 - Metal Edge, a heavy metal magazine, is celebrating its 20th anniversary this month. It's too bad glam-metal is over. Don Dokken would look very pretty jumping out of a cake.

COMMENTARY: You all remember Don Dokken, right? Right? Sigh.

Thursday, May 26 - Website of the Week: Check out www.nathanchase.com to hear the new Nine Inch Nails single remixed with Ray Parker Jr.'s "Ghostbusters" and Britney Spears "Toxic." Some people have too much time on their hands--and without them the world would be a much duller place.

Friday, May 27 - Don Dokken and Saddam Hussein were unfortunately unavailable to jump out of the cake at Metal Edge's anniversary bash. They tried to get Bo Bice as a last-minute replacement, but when they called, Paula Abdul answered the phone.

COMMENTARY: My first heavy metal album was Dokken’s ‘Tooth and Nail’ on cassette. I wish more people remembered them. It’s a funny name.

Saturday, May 28 -- At the Monster Pro Wrestling show, local boys Kris Knight and "Allstar" Tom MacDonald put on one of the best matches I've ever seen. The best part: Meeting Knight's mother in the hallway outside: "I can't believe he smashed the toy truck I gave him for Christmas over 'Allstar's' head." Next time you decide to try a DDT through a chain link fence, young man, maybe you should think about what you're doing to your mother.

COMMENTARY: True story. Also a great match, and a good bunch of guys. Show them love at www.monsterprowrestling.com

Sunday, May 29 - France says rejects the EU constitution, throwing the European bloc into chaos. Canada offers to send Brian Mulroney to help mediate the chaos. I hear Meech Lake is beautiful this time of year...

COMMENTARY: History repeats itself. It’s a good thing I paid attention that day in Social Studies.

Monday, May 30- A U.S. research vessel reports they've discovered the remains of the lost island of Atlantis off the Atlantic coast. Apparently the capital of Atlantis is 'Halifax.'

Tuesday, May 31 - As a cost-saving measure, the federal government announces plans to replace our military personnel with clowns. That way all our forces can fit into one tank.

COMMENTARY: I like this joke enough that I coupled it with my other military joke from way back on January 18 and included them in my stand-up set.