Yes means No

Crosssing the border...

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: Does anybody in this car have a criminal record?
EVERYONE: No.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL (to me): Sir?
ME: Yes?
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You just said 'yes.'
ME: Yes.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: So yes, you do have a criminal record?
ME: No.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You don't have a criminal record.
ME: Yes, that's correct.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You said 'yes' again.
ME: NO!
CUSTOM OFFICIAL: You didn't say 'yes?'
ME:  Yes, I didn't. I mean, No, I did, but that was for the other thing you asked.
CUSTOMS OFFICAL: Do your or do you not have a criminal record?
ME: No.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You don't.
ME: Yes, I don't.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You said 'yes' again.

Really, we should take this show on the road.