Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Dan vs. Dan's Brain

The last time I hooked up with a woman something interesting happened. The moment she made it clear she liked me, Dan’s Brain piped up.

DAN‘S BRAIN: She thinks she likes you but really she doesn‘t. She’s just lonely. This will never work out.

Now that isn’t so interesting by itself. Except that I remembered something. The last time I found myself hooking up with a woman, the moment she proved beyond a doubt she liked me, I had this thought:

DAN‘S BRAIN: She thinks she likes you but really she doesn‘t. She‘s just looking for a reason to justify breaking up with her long-distance boyfriend. This will never work out.

And the woman before that, after she had made an impressive sacrifice on my behalf:

DAN‘S BRAIN: She thinks she likes you but really she doesn‘t. She just doesn’t want to hurt you. This will never work out.

And the woman before that:

DAN‘S BRAIN: She thinks she likes you but really she doesn‘t. She’s looking for someone to rescue her. This will never work out.

Which brought us to this conversation between me and my Brain.

DAN: So just to recap: I have never hooked up with a woman who actually liked me. They all just THOUGHT they did. And every time they did something to show they liked me, that proved the DIDN’T like me.

DAN‘S BRAIN: Exactly. Aren‘t you glad I was there for you?

(DAN stares daggers at DAN’S BRAIN)

DAN’S BRAIN : Would you believe I did it because I love you?

(DAN’S BRAIN edges for the door)

DAN’S BRAIN: Come on, man. We still got each other, right? Lobes before hoes.

DAN (chasing his brain around the apartment with a rolling pin): Lying, conspiracy-theory motherfucker, I‘ll kill you! I could have been MAWWIED!!!!

EVERYONE READING: Does Dan even OWN a rolling pin?

3 comments:

sistasage said...

i side with dan. sorry, dan's brain. but your logic is fallible.

Poetry of Flesh said...

Lobes before hoes? Did you really just do that?

Megs said...

I just had this conversation with myself the other day. Brains really need to mind their own business. I think I need to chase mine around with a sledge hammer.