The Mystery Of The Moment

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Sunday, January 31 - The Druid - Edmonton
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Saturday, March 20 - OSCW One Year Anniversary

Sometime in the night, I open my eyes to find find myself face to face with a cat.

The cat vanishes into the darkness before my muscles finish twitching, but already I’m reaching out with my senses, circulating my awareness, in that indescribable way that feels to me like ceaseless, shark-like motion, but produces the optical illusion of stillness to anyone watching.

I feel my body, settling into an unfamiliar mattress. I feel my skin and muscles, clenched against the cold.

There is another person sleeping behind me. In another moment, I felt nails on my skin, movement beneath my body, gasps and moans. And of course, leading the way, my heart, savoring the blend of emotions that makes every encounter feel like the first time. There was surprised delight at her aggressiveness; the joy of give and take; a flicker of performance anxiety; a glow of healing and being healed; the expansive sense of awed wonder at how each woman is so different from every other; the reverence and gratitude for being able to share this moment with this person.

But that moment is gone. Now there is this only this one.

The breeze from the fan. My shoulders and chest note the presence of the blanket, comfortable, but not quite thick enough to fully warm me. In my throat, rawness from a cough I picked up last week. In my heart…

Access Denied

In this moment, my heart is unavailable. It resides in what the Vipassana folks call a dead zone, a temporary blind spot in my awareness. Whatever‘s there, I can‘t pick it up.

I probe again, but the blind spot remains. The darkness is impenetrable, but gentle--there are things here you are not yet ready to see.

Troubling.

But some moments are. Each moment will be as it will be--some filled with joy, some with pain, some with mystery, some with unfathomable sadness--and they are all equally precious.

I close my eyes and await the next one.