Sunday, July 26, 2009

Duck Two, Watch the Awkward

It was once said in the wrestling community that the bad guy wrestlers are decent, human beings, who go home to their wives and families after the show while the good guy wrestlers with their egos are the once most likely to get out of control.

Whoever said that never met Heavy Metal, and the tag team of 1 and 2 (not their real names). Bad guys all and, well...interesting chaps to hang out with.

Here's a story.

It was after an OSCW show. Like most OSCW shows, after the show we went to a karaoke bar. From there we moved to a bar called the Purple Onion. For those of you who don't know, the Purple Onion is the bar where self-respect goes to die...naturally, it's Heavy Metal's favorite place in the Whole Wide World.

There were five of us there, this night. Myself, Heavy Metal, 1 and 2, and a woman we'll call Miss Elizabeth.

Of the five of us, 1 is the most dangerous partier, because he is a devoted, married man. So when he does get a chance to "play in the off-leash park," he tends to get out of control. He also has a bizarre habit of vanishing like a ninja(*) when he drinks. Tonnight he was amusing himself by lifting me onto his shoulders and giving me airplane spins in the middle of the bar...probably not a good idea considering how much we'd both had to drink. Meanwhile, a drama was playing out at our table involving...

Miss Elizabeth. She is a fascinating woman, combining the qualities of 'total sweetheart' and 'complete trainwreck.' On this particular night, she was in the midst of a falling out with...

...Heavy Metal. You've met him in this blog before. For today though, all you need to know is that he was not speaking to Miss Elizabeth, making for some extreme social awkwardness. Fortunately, Miss Elizabeth had some comfort in the big-hearted form of...

...2, the tag-team partner of 1. Tonight, he was providing both a ride home and a shoulder to cry on for Miss Elizabeth as well as being a good friend of Heavy Metal. His loyalties torn, he was an unhappy man.

At the end of the night, we stumbled out of the bar into the Alberta night. At that point two things happened.

I said something I intended to be sweet and supportive to Miss Elizabeth. She responded by bursting into tears and running off down the street. Whoops.

At that moment, 1 decided to pull his ninja vanish. He loped off in the other direction.

2 went after Miss Elizabeth. Heavy Metal and I set off in pursuit of 1.

We caught him, frog-marched him back to 2's car, and shoved him inside. Miss Elizabeth was already in the back seat.

Now 2 was going to be stuck driving a drunk 1 and a distraught Miss Elizabeth home. And he knew exactly who to blame.

"I don't know what you said to that girl, but thanks for coming out, Dan," he told me. "And thank YOU, Heavy Metal, for this enchanting evening. I'm going to remember it--and your part in it--for a long long time. I only hope one day I can somehow repay you for it."

2 isn't sarcastic often, but when he is, he lays it on pretty thick.

The words were barely out of his mouth though when 1 exploded out of the car. I caught him and tried to muscle him back inside, not easy considering he's a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier than me.

"I can't go back there, man," he exclaimed, like a Viet Nam veteran who had hit his breaking point.

"It's okay," I told him from beneath two-hundred-plus pounds of rubber-limbed behemoth. "2 is just going to give you a ride home."

"Yeah, but...some chick is in the back seat crying."

I folded 1's legs back in the car and reached for the door before he could pop out again.

The last thing I heard before the door slammed shut was 1's voice.


Good times.

I guess.

(*) I actually followed 1 after he vanished once. In twenty minutes, I had a rape whistle blown in my face, my crotch grabbed, and a chill run up my spine as 1 turned to me at one point and said completely matter-of-factly, "I want to punch a cop in the mouth."

Upcoming Comedy
Tuesday, August 4 - New City - Edmonton

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Saturday, August 22 - OSCW August Action, Hazeldean Community Hall - Edmonton

Dan Brodribb's Geek Love appears every two weeks at Current article is here.

More of Dan's musings on dating and relationships can be found on his Hot Chicks & Strangers blog.

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